My husband, and his ex have been divorced for 16 years. She has lupus, and occassionally is hospitalized. Each time this happens, he goes to visit her everyday that she is in the hospital. I told him that is disrespectful to me, he is not obligated to her, the marriage has been over for a long time. I don't mind if he visited her once, but he acts as if it's something he's suppose to do.
2007-11-26 01:41:20 · 19 answers · asked by sis-t 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am not jealous, and yes I have asked to go visit her with him, I even bought a card for him to give her, and I found it in his truck. I am a very sympathetic person, I am not cold hearted, but I feel my husband has not completed gotten over his ex.
2007-11-26 02:06:46 · update #1
How long we're they married?
Do they have kids?
You know its been 16 years as you said and I really don't believe it is disrespectful towards you for your husband to be kind enough to see a women he did love at one time (enough to get married to). Don't take this as something bad. He is obviously a very kind man who cares about the people that were in his life and the people who are in his life. Love him and next time go with him and support him in his decisions.
2007-11-26 01:49:34 · answer #1 · answered by CrazyH 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Dating a divorcee who has a daughter was never going to be easy, so you kind of have to accepted what you signed up for - I certainly couldn't do it! On the other hand, you can't let her (or him) take the p*ss, there are limits. I think this situation is fair enough though, it's not as if it is going to happen all the time is it? I mean... how often do people really visit their in laws. Ex or not. lol Just explain to him that his ex wife makes you uncomfortable sometimes and while you understand the situation, set boundaries need to be put into place. I'm guessing if she lives down the road she has been taking the p*ss a LOT by just popping in and stuff when you don't want or need her to? Also you have to understand that they have a daughter together, so they are bonded by that for life, but take solace in the fact that she is 16, in a couple of years she'll be 18 and out of the house no doubt. So he will have less and less reason to see his ex wife. It'll be a struggle but keep gritting your teeth for now, the fact that he told you means he wants there to be no secrets between you and from the sounds of things, he has done nothing wrong and if you trust him, you have nothing to worry about.
2016-04-05 23:03:34 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't see why you have a problem. Does he visit her everyday when she is well?
He seems like a good man, one whose friends can count on him when they are down. Does she have others who visit or have they dropped away over the years because they don't want to deal with someone sick?
Many hospitals are overstaffed; especially if she does not have good private insurance, she may not be receiving a lot of attention. I've spent enough time around hospitals to know that if a patient appears to have loving family and friends, the staff will be more attentive because they know someone is checking up on them. Plus if she is sick enough to be in the hospital, she may need someone to do little things for her.
He may still care enough about her to want her to have some dignity in her illness, and not to be all alone in a hospital bed. You are his wife now; doesn't it comfort you to know that even if you two do divorce at some point, he is the kind of person to be there for you no matter how bad things get?
Her illness may also cause him to reflect on his own life and mortality and visiting her makes it easier for him to deal with it. Once people are gone, you can't say I'm sorry or mend relationships. Even though he may not want to be back with her, maybe he wants to end things on good terms and right some past wrongs.
2007-11-26 02:16:19 · answer #3 · answered by magdarra 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OMG- I just went through this SAME thing. It made me crazy and it made me feel that he never really let her go. It nearly caused us to break up. She eventually died of cancer last May. I was patient and held my tongue mostly. It hurt me, though. Which sounds incredibly selfish considering the ex was terminally ill. How could I be jealous of that? ( I was jealous of the feelings I thought still lingered)
They have a 16 year old daughter and BF explained that everything he does is motivated b y their daughter. They also had a very amicable relationship and became "friends" so their daughter could be raised with love and not arguing. I dunno, it still made me feel second-rate in some ways. I had to get over it, though, I mean, the woman died and I still have life. Strange, though, most of the time BF was at the hospital, the daughter was not.
I eventually blew, though and had to let my feelings out. We are still together and working on our relationship. It did cause damage. I still think he never stopped loving her, though. As a younger guy, he had a picture of the perfect little wife and house with a white picket fence. He is a family type man. She was his first real love . Well, she cheated on him while she was pregnant and married the man she was cheating with and had two more kids and a beautiful house.
I dunno, I think there is a part of my BF, that just never really resolved his feelings for her, hence all the attention toward the end.
I sure as heck would not visit my ex in the hospital. no way. That would be absurd to me, but we do not have a kid.
This is a tough one ,sweetie.
I would nicely let him know how you feel, though. I don't think BF knew how I was feeling 'cause I was always trying to be nice and respectful of the severe situation. He would never try to alienate me. I went to the hospital several times with him; he asked me to go. I never went in her room, though.
Reading all the responses to the question actually helped me. Thanks for asking it.
2007-11-26 01:56:54 · answer #4 · answered by epsilon_theta 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They were married for 16 years and just because she has a special place in his heart does not mean that he is being disrespectful to you. Did they have children together? My parents were married for 18 years and have been divorced for 15 years and you better believe if my mom were in the hospital then he would visit her and would not care what anyone though. Lupus is a very serious disease and he just wants to be there for her.
2007-11-26 01:50:18 · answer #5 · answered by Mrs. Jack Sparrow ♥ 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If she is the mother of his children, maybe he feels an obligation to her. I think it's nice that a divorced couple can actually get along and not act like infant children. If this woman is sick( and Lupus is very serious), you should feel proud of him. I bet he'll take good care of you one day if you become disabled. Feel good about your husband, sounds like you have a very good one.
2007-11-26 01:59:27 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would be proud of him, they may have been divorced for 16 years but at one point they did have a life together, and he still cares about her, they are just not in love as you and he are, It does not seem like she is wanting to go into the hospital to get him to see her. Do they have kids together? What would you want him to do if it was you in her shoes....
2007-11-26 01:58:30 · answer #7 · answered by hollytu514 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He must still care about her. Did they have children together?
Why not insist on going on these visits? Just because we get new relationships, doesn't mean we automatically HATE the last one. I can see your point, but try going on these visits. You may find that she is a nice person. And maybe your heart may find a small piece to give her some sympathy for suffering with such a diease.
Try something other than feeling so disrespected. It could be you laying there suffering!
2007-11-26 01:48:27 · answer #8 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
o feel like there is more to this story then your letting on. because him going to see his ex wife of so many years while she is in the hospital should not make you feel threatened i mean seriously its not like he will be jumping in bed with her. i feel like you should be happy to know that you married a good man that has morals and cares about ppl cause just think if this was you were in her place im sure he would go and see you in your time of need. maybe asking him not to go everyday might help how you feel about the whole thing. maybe taking a trip up there with him to show your support would be helpful to.
2007-11-26 02:04:48 · answer #9 · answered by Boggen1210 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They may be friends. I see nothing wrong for visiting her in the hospital. It is a nice gesture in my opinion. I think you are being somewhat insecure. Why not ask to go along. I think it is concern for her that he does this, not disrespectful to you.
2007-11-26 01:58:04 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋