Do I seperate or just go for the divorce even with us both questioning?

Question

We had been together 6.5 years before we married this past April. In August he told me he was no longer in love with me anymore. I admit we were in a rut, but who isn't after 6.5-7 years of being together. He did not want counseling. Now that I've asked him to go through with the divorce for closure, he decides that he isn''t sure. The thought of losing me forever kills him and thinks that he still loves and misses me. Deep down i want it to work, he doesn't know what he wants, but i know he needs help emotionally. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster that i just want to get off of. He deals with depression and has this "grass is always greener on the other side" attitude.

Answer 1

That would be really, really tough. It sounds like you have a very rational and realistic perspective of the situation. It also sounds like you have the necessary attitude to survive the situation, and to to keep your marraige alive if given the chance.

Who can blame you for wanting to get off the rollercoaster, especially if he is unwilling to take the necessary steps, ie. counseling.

I speak from experience, I battled depression for years (from an abusive childhood) I was constantly seeking change and always thought the grass is greener. It took me years, but finally, I sought counseling, by pure luck I found an awesome psychologist. i can't even begin to describe how much it helped me.

I feel fortunate that I never pushed my wife or marraige out of my life, as it sounds like he is doing.

My best advise is to somehow convince him to go talk to someone.

I don't know how relevant it is, but there's a song who's lyrics put it very well...

"And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But Oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............ "

It's called What do you hear in these sounds, by Dar Williams

Good luck with him... if you still have it in you, hang in there for him.

Answer 2

It seems he still has feelings for you, no matter that he is confused. It seems that marriages that do last fifty years or more seem to have highs and lows and although sometimes the love you feel for each other is very passionate and strong, at other times and during another year perhaps, the love wanes and struggles to survive. As long as it survives, then it's still worth helping along. I think he was comfortable being with you for so long, but then it's almost like he got cold feet after the marriage documents were signed in April. The first year of marriage, was to me, the toughest. There is a lot of adjustments to get used to. If he is slipping into a depression, well, then your husband needs you the most right now, doesn't he?

Answer 3

7 year itch??

They always think the grass is greener, yet to posses what they already have is also their hang up! Control.........without the control, their lost, even when they have the greener grass!
I think all men are Mormans they feel it's their right to have as many women in their control as possible.

try seperation for awhile. see if that helps with anything.

Answer 4

Tell him if it kills him that badly that you both MUST go to marriage counseling. It is worth it. He also needs to deal with his depression. His attitude may be strickly because of that. I seem to get more in a marriage funk when I'm depressed.

Answer 5

You can get really good advice at www.survivinginfidelity. com---this site is great for advice on all kinds of situations. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 6

Don't go back unless he gets counseling...

Answer 7

Listen to your heart and then just go for it.