My wife finally admitted to haveing an affair w/ a married man before we were together. She could no longer deny the trail of evidence I discovered. I accept her explanation that she was in a lonely vulnerable period in her life (she was) and he made her feel good. He is extremely wealthy and seduced her to the highest degree. I am both bothered and grateful that their romance ended when I entered the picture but that they remained friends. I can't get past the fact that they shared this secret past and didn't see the harm that could come by not ending their relationship completely. I have met him several times (w/o his wife) and I feel like I have been betrayed. I know they would have both realized that it was an insult to me to sit down for dinner and have me be in the dark about their history. My wife and I are trying to work it out, I still love her dearly. I can't help but want to put a scare into this man for the disrespect he has shown me.
2007-11-26 01:12:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Most of you all missed this poor guy's problem completely. It's not that his wife got boned before he met her. It's that his wife is still hanging out with a rich good looking guy that used to bone her. So, how is he to know that if they've lied to the rich guy's wife about boning all these years that they aren't lying to him and still boning each other now.
It's not that his wife used to be a homewrecking slut. It's is his wife STILL a homewrecking slut?
Yeah, man I feel your pain. I hate it when I get done with banging married chicks and they want to just keep hanging around.
2007-11-26 01:30:02 · answer #1 · answered by kinky_scotty 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I had a similar situation with my ex-fiance. I became savy to the fact that things were going on in more than the past-tense and made the decision to end things before I had the chance to be hurt by her even more. I'm alone but I'm happier and I still have friends and other people that are important to me.
I agree that he should definitely become an item of the past but in terms of working things out with your wife the main question you would need to consider with regards to forgiving her or not is: "Can I live without her?"
Betrayal is harsh. Then again trust doesn't develop overnight, once it has been breached one can't expect it reconstitute itself instantaneously.
But in my truthful opinion, you probably arleady know what you need to do for yourself, don't listen to anyone else and make your choices.
I would advise to refrain from putting "a scare" into anyone, however. Breaks of any kind of relationship are best done without any potential complications or repercussions... that's why my cell phone is somewhere plowed into the earth of some hillbilly cornfield. ;)
2007-11-27 04:47:51 · answer #2 · answered by fklogic 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He has not shown you any disrespect. If the relationship happened after you were married, then yes, he would be showing you unforgivable disrespect. What happened before your relationship with your wife has nothing to do with you. The fact that you phrased it "finally admitted" to having an affair makes it sound like you hounded her until she broke down and told you about it. You sound like a very insecure person. It is not for you to "accept her explanation". She doesn't owe you an explanation for anything that happened before you that has no direct affect on you. You would do well to forget it happened and possibly get counseling (for yourself) to figure out why you are living in la la land and not accepting your wife as an imperfect human being like the rest of us who entered your life with a past. A past that belongs to HER and is HER business. Things became your business the day the 2 of you got serious.
Please note that I referred to it as a relationship instead of an affair. You need to stop adding drama to the situation by making it appear ugly and nasty. It happened. Get over it.
2007-11-26 09:26:52 · answer #3 · answered by Mrs. Goddess 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think you were betrayed exactly- most everyone has a romantic past before they were married, unless they married young or married their school sweetheart. I can understand to a degree that you'd be bothered by the fact that the man was married when your wife had a relationship in the past, but you've already come to terms with that. She should have either- not remained friends with him, OR (my choice)indicated to you from the beginning that she once dated this man, and they were not only friends. Keeping it a secret was unfair to you but likely she knew you'd object and insist she stop seeing him. But you as her husband have the right to say that, but she never gave you the chance. Your wife disrespected you, not him- it was her place to explain their shared past, not his.
2007-11-26 09:25:26 · answer #4 · answered by GEEGEE 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Trust should not be damaged by the past before you. You should have known but if they are friends and only friends now then it should be looked at as the past. She is with you now so that must mean something. We all have a past and sometimes it keeps its little hands in our lives. It is what makes us the people we are. If you love her then keep the trust you have in her.
Good luck with what ever you decide to do. In the end, it is up to you.
2007-11-27 02:05:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you going to dinner with her ex lover? Do you make her sit down to dinner with your ex's? Was it important for her that you meet him? That seems creepy.
I'm with the first answer though - she did not cheat on you so you were not betrayed by her. You may not like her past but you did marry her so it's best to leave it were it belongs (in the past) and if you can't move on then find a good therapist.
2007-11-26 09:21:09 · answer #6 · answered by Jen70 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure it is something that will take a while to accept, but it is a good thing that the truth finally did come out.
She never cheated on you with him... so it is something that should be put in the past.
I'm sure you've done things that you aren't too proud of. If you did something wouldn't you want your wife's forgiveness on something like this?
2007-11-26 09:17:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
tell your wife that its totally unacceptable! She would flip if you had done that to her, i know it was before you were together but that is besides the point when he starts coming over for dinner etc... You can either tell your wife that he is no longer welcome near you ( but then you have the chance she will go to him as she will see you pushing her away) You could tell the jerks wife that way he definitely wont be near your wife again. Tell the jerk that he has no business being friends with you wife and you are hurt that they both hid this info from you
2007-11-26 09:18:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
AND what did you do before you met and married your wife? Are you free of all sin? Do not judge others for it will come back and bite you in the end.
2007-11-26 09:34:16 · answer #9 · answered by cooter726 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
SHE showed the disrespect. It was your wife's place to NOT keep his company with you in the dark about their past. You can't place blame on him, it's her blame!! She married you, he didn't.
But she has came clean, so it's only simple now...........keep the man out of your lives!
2007-11-26 09:23:19 · answer #10 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋