My father was very physically & emotionally abusive. He was the kind of man they made movies about, he beat my mother and my sisters & myself. More me than my two sisters, maybe because I was a male...as I grew up he became more threatened by my size. At 16 he threw me out of the house, I lived in the back seat of a '68 Nova for 2 years. I did get an apartment and put myself through school. I am married with 3 children of my own, a wonderful wife a 2 grown children, a wonderful life. My mother did divorce my father (finally) 15 years ago. I have a excellent relationship of course with my mother and sisters...we are still healing. My father is now 70 and he never mentions the things of the past. It's almost as if he doesn't want to remember the truth of what happened. For some reason I feel a need to confront him...I wonder about my own motives, I don't think I want to hurt him...but I "NEED" him to acknowledge what happened..I don't know why.
Does he remember?
2007-11-26 00:05:55 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
My father did re-marry two different times. I speak to him often but he only speaks of sports etc., he never mentions what happened and I wonder if he is even able to take what I need to say to him..NOT in anger..NOT in revengful way...but I need closer of some type and I really don't even understand why I need this...maybe I'm crazy.
any advise
2007-11-26 00:07:45 · update #1
I think it is the Why factor? Why did you do that to me? Why did you treat me that way? It is in human nature to want to know. To have the person that hurt us acknowledge that they hurt us. It is a way of having our feelings justified in a sense. I completely understand where you are coming from but I found that sometimes wounds can not heal from that but other times it can. By opening that can of worms again you might be opening a whole new hurt. You can't change the man he was by confronting him and by not mentioning it to you he has pushed it into the dark recesses of his mind. The evil we do has a tendency to haunt us. Karma is a horrible thing sometimes.
2007-11-26 00:15:59 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mother did almost the same with me. The only difference was that she didn't beat my sister as she beat me. And she was very cruel also psychically and verbal. I cannot get over it not even at this age. I have always wanted to talk to her about it, but she didn't even want to admit that she did such things. At least if she tried to explain herself or made me understand.
I think deep inside she feels guilty for it. Or so I hope. But now it only remains the question: why? Why is a parent or the one who should protect you so abusive, so bad?
The point is I've had issues ever since: I have very little confidence in people, and it's very hard for me to get involved into a relationship. I told her, but she says she has no fault for it. But does she have a fault for anything?
I don't know whether those people really have conciseness if they were able to do such things even if long ago. Time doesn't erase everything. There are wounds that cannot be healed so easily. And I hope some day they realize how wrong they were and feel sorry for it, b/c I doubt they don't remember.
2007-11-26 00:30:56 · answer #2 · answered by AnneMarie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this IS terribly difficult.... first, because your father is not of the age that one could say 'that's all he knew'.... as in, he was treated the same way, because HIS father didn't know how to treat his family, either.... he's only ten yrs older than I am, and the fathers of that generation should have been better equiped to deal with life, family and pressures back then.... I think he had his own problems, and it's likely that he was so involved in his own life and problems then that what he did to YOU didn't register to him... he just did what they did to him, thinking it was how you do things..... in that case, no, he doesn't remember..... he may have learned differently since, but I doubt it, since two more marriages fell apart.....
since you need the closure, it's up to you what to do next.... either be the good guy and let it go, don't discuss it with him and just drop the whole thing.... or....
confront him one day with the whole ball of wax and ask for his reasons for treating you all so badly.... you may not like the answer you get... and you may not like yourself much once you see what the final realization does to him... or... you may hate that he doesn't seem to care one way or the other....
personally, dropping it and getting a little help for yourself, so you can deal better with it, is probably better for YOU..... the day may come when he needs help and then will be when you can either be a great human being or you can hand it back... another decision....
I feel for you and what you are facing now.... but in the overall, since you have risen above the troubles he caused you, I think it's better all around for YOU and YOURS if you just write him off and go live your lives...............perhaps a little time alone will bring him to realize that he didn't do right by you.... or it won't..... in which case, you've lost nothing more....
2007-11-26 00:18:57 · answer #3 · answered by meanolmaw 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Life is like a horror movie more often than you would like to think. I grew up with roughly the same script.
You say you don't think you want to hurt him but in fact you probably would like to thrash the daylights out of him for what he did to you and your mother and sisters. And who could blame you?
He remembers very well what he did. He enjoyed doing it. If he did all this stuff while he was under the influence of alcohol, you can rest assured that he got drunk to give him an excuse to become violent.
The fact of the matter is that this man who happens to be your biological father, is simply not a nice person. This is no reflection on you. I would avoid him totally if I were you as he will never acknowledge what he did to you. You are wasting your time on him.
Having maintained contact for so long, however, you are probably only likely to feel relieved of the guilt of his existence when he has died. But try not to beat yourself up about what he did in the meantime. It really wasn't your fault.
2007-11-26 00:30:35 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
For your own healing process, I would confront him, but be prepared for him to react in a way that wont help you at all. At that point, I think you should go to counseling to sort out your feelings. That would be the only logical thing to do for your wife and family. You want to work on all issues so they dont resurface at some point. Your father obviously has some personality disorder which makes him act like this. He remembers, but some people dont show remorse. They are stubborn. He probably will always be the same person, he has been for seventy years. I am sorry you had to go through that yet I am proud to hear that you managed to fo to school and get an apartment and now you have a wonderful family. Congratulations!
2016-05-26 00:02:21 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He could be very manipulative,some abusive people are very good at playing mind games. Even to the point of convincing themselves that things didn't happen. If you want to confront him it is best to do it as a family with your sisters and Mother or at least one other family member. If your father had other children by his other marriages you can find out from them if he was abusive to them. Abusers always abuse over and over. You feel this need to confront him because you need closer, he is getting older and you want him to know that you have not forgotten before he dies.! This is normal. In hoping that your confrontation is in words only go ahead. Doing so may help you to heal.
2007-11-26 00:29:34 · answer #6 · answered by Pamela V 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He does remember
Maybe some days he would not think of it and some days all off the time.
I think you can be proud of yourself and the man you became
This just shows that you have risen above the circumstances.
The reason you want him to acknowledge this is maybe for closure this has been a part of your life and as you say you are still healing so the scars are deep and it takes time to heal.
May God bless your family and your mother and sisters.
2007-11-26 00:17:12 · answer #7 · answered by janice m 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think he remembers, but he probably remembers it differently... you know how it is when you make some horrible mistake, you can always justify it to yourself as the way you had to behave, even if other people think it's crazy.
I know what you mean about needing him to acknowledge what happened... it makes it real, like you really did have something happen to you. I don't know if he will, though. Some abusive people do, some don't. They have to be able to handle the pain of seeing themselves as a monster, and he might not be able to do that. You can always try. But remember that even though your intentions are good, you might feel kind of wild with emotions when you do confront him, and it might make you feel very un-glued, if you know what I mean. I have had those moments with my own dad and I always walk away feeling manipulated, like I never did get my point across, even though I think I said all the right words.
2007-11-26 00:11:24 · answer #8 · answered by thalesgirl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your father probably does not want to remember the harm that he did to you and to others. But he does. If you need him to acknowledge it, remind him of a couple of situations with details. He might deny it or justify his actions.
My father was abusive to my older sisters. I was too young, but after the divorce, my mother became abusive with me. She was not as violent, but very random. A few years later I tried confronting her on her actions & she would say things like... " that never happened", " you were just such a difficult/horrible child" or "you are exagerating". It was not untill recently that I tried to get her to own up to her actions, when she looked at me and just said "I was doing the best that I could". I think that answer was real. She admited that she would hurt me, but I understood that she just didn't know how to survive & fell into the violence cycle.
I say try talking to him even if it takes a couple of times to get through. Try not to sound too hostil, just let him know that you need answers.
2007-11-26 02:37:34 · answer #9 · answered by glad2Bhere 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He knows exactly what he did, maybe not why, but he does know. If he doesn't talk or acknowledge it than the problem isn't there. If you need to confront him, than do so. You can bring this up just like you did here, and tell him that you need to have some closure and he needs to understand what he did and how it affected you. He might not talk about this, because he would have to admit that he was wrong, but this is about you getting through this and dealing with it. He might surprise you and admit that he was wrong.
2007-11-26 00:15:39 · answer #10 · answered by LIPPIE 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋