My daughter was killed in a car crash her husband was driving.He is moving with my Grandchild what can I do?

Question

My Daughter was killed in a car crash in 2003. Her husband was driving the vehicle. They had been married for three weeks and had a child of 3.5 at the time. He is now going out with the third women since her death. His current girlfriend of 9 months lives 12 miles away and has a child also. They have made the decision to take my Grandchild out of his school close to my home and move to her town and school. Relations have been strained since the death of my daughter although we have been very supportive in clearing his name following the accident and hiding the fact he had taken cannabis so it wasn't published on the front page of the newspaper. How do we maintain contact with our Grandson? Do we have rights?

Answer 1

I would recommend speaking to him and raising your concerns... I don't think it has to get to a point where you need to know your legal rights if relations with him so far have been fairly good.

It's not that you don't trust him as a parent so you're not trying to get custody of the child, just visitation rights... I am sure he will be understanding. Maybe you could arrange for your Grandson to come and stay with you for a weekend every couple of months?

I don't believe Grandparents currently have any legal rights so it's best to keep it civil http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/4556147.stm

Answer 2

I am so sorry to hear of your daughters death. You certainly were forgiving in overlooking the drug issue but i understand you did that for the sake of your grandson.
You do have rights but i think you should try and keep things pleasant if you can. Seek some legal advice by all means if you want to.
Your son-in-law does have the right to move on with his life so you cannot really stop him from moving even though i can truly understand why you would prefer him to be nearer.
I hope you are OK and coming to terms with your loss. Loss of a loved one is traumatic beyond belief. Have you had any bereavement counselling? IF not then i urge you to have some as it does bring some kind of closure and inner peace. I also think you need to try and forgive your son-in-law for taking the drugs as i am sure you may not have forgiven that??? You have to try and forgive to be able to move on. You are not a bad person so please ignore any nasty comments.
I too would find that hard to forgive.

Also agree with MarkEver
Thinking of you.

Answer 3

Sorry for your loss.You have rights as far as visiting the child. But you really have no say over where the child lives.He can move across state and you really have no say, but you will still be able to visit the child.Have you tried talking to the father and let him know that your grandchild is part of your daughter who is no longer here,and you would like to be part of the child's life and if you move can you still have visitations?

Answer 4

This situation is so sad i don't even have an answer. I will keep you and your grandson in my prayers. I think you may be trying to keep a part of your daughter by hanging on so tight to your grandson. It's only 12 miles. But if you have any other reason or gut instinct concerning you sue for visitations or custody!

Answer 5

am sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter, but you son-in-law has the right to move where he see fit, even if it means he will take your grandson with him, 12 miles away is nothing, there are phonecalls that can be made cars that can be driven etc etc, its not like you arent going to see your grandson again, me and my hubby moved nearly 50miles away from his parents, we cant drive, and his dad cant drive either, but we still make the effort for his parents to see our daughter every4-6weeks, am sure you can all be adult enough to come so some arrangements, maybe you can have your grandson every 3rd weekend or something, be an adult sit down with you son-in-law and talk it through

Answer 6

Apparently in UK law you have no rights. See link:-
http://www.grandparents-association.org.uk/resources_faq.asp
You may want to contact a solicitor to clarify this.
I find it shocking that you have no rights, this is surely wrong. Just supposing the father (I hope not ) was to die, if he did not marry this woman he is living with then she would be no relation to your grandchild so who would assume responsibility for the child then? I think there is a campaign to change this ridiculous situation
see link
http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/grandparents/
It is not good for the child at all to lose all links with his/her past and they would if you could not keep up with his movements.

My condolences in losing yr daughter.

Answer 7

Firstly I wish to express my condolences for the situation that you find yourselves in. The raw grief you feel is clearly communicated by your plea for help here, and the fact that you make mention of your daughter's husband's third girlfriend since the accident. As a traffic police officer I find it surprising that you show only a little anger towards this man over your daughter's death, particularly relating to the cannabis. Drugs destroy lives, and this is a most clear example of that. If it had been my daughter I would have found it very difficult not to be very bitter towards this man. I would say, however, that the damage caused by a big fight would mostly affect your grandson, and at a very vulnerable time for him as he starts in a new school and a new family.

It is hardly surprising that you treasure your contact with your grandson, as it provides a living link to your daughter, and I wonder whether you need some counselling as you may be making it difficult for your grandson's father to move on with their lives. Please ask yourself what your daughter would have wanted to happen if she knew she was going to die, for example, if she had developed cancer. Please also ask yourself if your son in law finds it necessary to move away in order to move on and make a success of his new relationship, and ask yourself if the two previous girlfriends since the accident may have found it too difficult having his mother in law in close proximity and heavily involved. If you have been a little too close, and that would be understandable, you may have scared off previous potential partners.

Legally I know little about parental rights, but I do know that there are issues over fathers' rights if fathers are not married to mothers at the time of children being born. You might want to explore this with a family law expert, as it may be that custody, care and control of your grandson can be shared with you involved. It would be better, however, to wish the new family well and offer support including occasional childcare, as it would clearly benefit your grandson if the move and new start, stepmother and school is a success.

None of this is your fault, so don't blame yourself. This man, however, must have loved your daughter, and therefore must have been as devastated as you at her death. He must love your grandson as much as you do, and would only want what is best for his welfare, so I can't believe that he would want him not to have contact with his grandparents. It may just be that he wants his son to be raised in a normal family environment, with a mother figure - who will never replace your daughter -, a father and grandparents that he sees a normal amount. Added to that, 12 miles is 20 minutes' drive away at the most, and modern methods of communication are better than they have ever been. My children keep in touch with their grandparents and cousins as far away as Australia and New Zealand (12,000 miles) and see and talk to them, via MSN and webcams, almost every day. And that's all free.

I apologise for the long winded answer, but your question is possibly the most difficult to answer sensitively I have ever encountered, and I wish you well for the future.

Answer 8

I'm very sorry for your loss. This sounds like a hard situation.

Unfortunately, your rights are limited as grandparents. Most states (in the USA---where are you?) do not recognize a visitation right for grandparents. The prevailing doctrine is that parents have a fundamental right to control who visits their children and may exclude whomever they wish.

Your best bet is to maintain good relations with the child's father and to rely on his goodwill in bringing the children to see you.

Answer 9

You can check with an attorney, but the child is his to raise, and I truly don't believe that you can legally do anything to stop him. You should try to get along better, so that he would allow you more time with the child.

You should not carry hate for him forever, even if he was at fault. Everyone deserves forgiveness. She could have been driving and killed him too.

Answer 10

if you have a decent relationship with your grandchilds father then id sit him down and talk with him about your concerns about staying in contact with him , and the importance of it to you , if he isnt understanding and willing to work with you on that then id contact a lawyer for visitation rights etc... but if it could be worked out between the two of you it would be best , after all 12 miles isnt like moving states away ...good luck