my husband shows me no affection- is it me? very sad, please help?

Question

married 3 years, together 7. im on the brink of despair with my life and feel i can take it no more.My husband has never been interested in lots of sex or being caring towards me, we have sex maybe once or twice a month but if i did not make a fuss about it then it would probably be once every two months. When we do have sex, i feel like im stupid for making a fuss.

i thought i could live this way and accept that i made vows i should keep forever. ive tried to talk to him, cried at him, shouted, but still no passion. there have been other problems in our relationship- he is very moody sometimes and can be critical. ive given him everything in me to try and keep our marriage- emotionally and financially to ensure that i have done my best. i have no confidence anymore-i never had much to begin with. its got to the point where im crying all the time, falling asleep crying with him going to sleep next to me and dreading my life.im only 27 and want a family.should i leave or stay?

he has always been like this!! not just now but ever since i first met him!! its not a recent thing and thats why its starting to make me very sad.

Answer 1

As someone else suggested, it sounds as if you need to get some relationship counselling.
Counselling isn't guaranteed to put everything right, but it will give you a safe space to talk through how you are feeling and open up the lines of communication to discuss and work on your problems together.
It just might be that it lets you realise that the marriage isn't giving either of you the support that you need and in that case, counselling can often help couples communicate and work through their relationship break up in a civil manner.

In any event, vows or no vows, you deserve to be happy. Life is long and you are still young. Be brave...take a step towards making your life better.

Good luck xxx

Answer 2

Not all males have a huge sex drive. Although there are men who live up to the stereotype there are many who don't. Everyone is different. I read recently that the average married couple only has sex once a week.

Crying and shouting is probalby not the way to go. Have you tried just jumping on top of him and starting it? If you have, did he seem turned on and into it? If he is turned on, it does not matter who starts it...maybe the female dominance is a turn on to him.

Whether or not you should leave him is not a clear cut question. One thing that is certain is that you sound like you are depressed. You may want to go see your doctor or a psychiatrist. Also, in the meantime, try taking a balanced vitamin B complex to see if it helps improve your mood. Until you work on your confidence issues and depression, you will not be happy whether you are with your husband or not.

I had simlar feelings for years, once I cured my depression everything in my life - including my marriage - improved and I have been happier than ever.

Answer 3

Hi. First of all there is nothing wrong with YOU, I can understand you being frustrated, feeling not wanted, unloved, untouched and more or less a forgotten thing in your husbands mind. I think all the crying is acceptable when you have to cope with this problem, I personally don' think you are depressed, just undervalued and unloved. You say your situation has not changed for 7 years and yet you married him 3 years ago, did you not realise that was going to be a long term problem for you, the lack of sexual contact before you got married? There is no short and sweet answer to this as it is going to take a lot of time and patients to be able to sort this out. May be your husband has had some bad experiences with sex and feels inadequate to for fill your needs. there are 2 suggestions I can make, 1, both of you go and see a doctor, 2. both of you go and see a sex specialist, between them they may be able to come up with a solution. Good luck and I hope it eventually ends up OK (no pun intended)....David

Answer 4

Love, if you dont get out soon then you will be where you are 10 years down the line. He will always be like this to you unless YOU are the one that changes. Why does he need to change? I guess he gets everything he wants and needs on tap but without the effort!! So why does he need to put anything in. I suggest you start being the same. Everyone loves someone even more if they have to work hard for their affection and you should not have to beg for affection or be lonely. There are far too many guys out there that would die for a loving partner to treat properly. Your man is a loser and if he can't see it then you should show him Call a mate, get yourself dolled up and hit the town. when he calls your mobile, reject it. He will soon realise what he has to lose and all his 'facilities' he has will go if he doesnt look harder at your needs. Trust me.

Answer 5

Sit down and read this to yourself and then think, is this what i want. If its not then you know the answer. You self esteem and confidence has been shattered by his lack of interest in you. SOme ppl can live without passion others need it. YOu shouldnt have to ''make a fuss'' to be paid attention too. Why is he moody and critical of the very one he chose to be his lifes partner. That makes no sense.

You need to stop crying, hun its all over spilled milk. Take charge of your life and start thinking about your own future, cause its gonna be what you make of it. If after all that, you telling him what you need and still hes not responding to you and making no effort to do so I would say hes not going too.

He isnt thinking about you, he's just being very selfish. He has proved that to you, also he sees nothing wrong with his behavior. So its not going to change. If your 27 girl your just starting your life, get out of there and give life a chance. You dont have much of a life there, he isnt going to let you.

I lived with a man who was exactly like your hubby, i stayed with him until i was actually dead inside, had no self esteem, wasnt motivated to do nothing and DID not TRUST anyone. It was like day by day he sucked the very life from me. I ended up in a very bad mental and phyical state. Its taken me a long time to recover and i may never get bad to the person i once was. DONT LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU. HE'S NOT WORTH IT. Good luck hun. ill be praying for you.

Answer 6

I know what it's like - we've been married for 12 years now and my husband and I have only done it twice this year!!!! He's always had a lower sex drive than me and mostly its ok but every now and then it does my head in.
He's a lovely man, the best house mate ever but I want some passion and attention every once in a while.
If you're like this after 3 years, I think you should get out while you can - you can't stay and be miserable for ever

Answer 7

He isn't going to change so there is no point being with him if it makes you unhappy, if he knows how you feel and he isn't willing to try and make you happy, then he doesn't love you as much as you want him to. Life is too short and you are young enough to meet someone else who will love you to bits you seem like a caring person who deserves the best. Sex is a big thing in a relationship, if either one of you doesn't enjoy it then that person is not the right one for you, because sex is a beautiful expression of love, it has to be the right person

Answer 8

There are many things that affect a relationship and sure, there will be many challenges that will surface, but it should not be the basis on how the relationship should nurture from.

I would think that my 5Cs are basic in any relationships. Yes, I conjured up these 5Cs as my guiding principles of maintaining a relationship. Of course, there are other things but if you have your foundation in these 5Cs, the other things can be easily managed with the 5Cs...

Communication
This is most important. Most relationships fail because of this. Communication is a two-way thingy... speaking & listening... many people HEAR,, but they don't listen... Listening and understanding is more important than speaking... for speaking, how the message is communicated across is also important... Respect for each other then becomes a good basis of managing good communication... you said you've talked about it many times... but were you listening?

Commitment
This will determine how much a couple will go to resolve the problems that they will be faced with in life... Life is full of ups and downs... how much commitment each party has towards their relationship, will determine how far the relationship will go... couples that are committed to a relationship is likely to able to resolve differences better than couples that are not... With commitment, many issues can be (and will be) resolved.. How much commitment does the two of you have for this relationship? Is he as committed as you? If not, what do you plan to do or ask him, what does HE plan to do?.

Compromise
Life is about expectations... managing expectations is core to living a fulfilling life... a relationship is no different... Accepting the limitations and shortcomings of your partner is never easy... most people find it so easy to complain about the shortcomings of their partners but find it hard to compliment their partners on their positive attributes... one advise is to focus on the good side of things and not the bad... dwelling on the bad side of things will only bring ill-feelings, regrets, anger, resentment, etc...

Thus, the core of compromising is forgiveness... the more couples are ready to forgive, the lesser will be their problems... be it money, personality, habits... ANYTHING... Let's try to have him understand what you're going through and let him tell you what HE is going through... then work out a compromise... i.e. strike a deal and work on it together...

Care & Concern
Showing care and concern may sound easy... but to do so in trying times or in times of crisis can be challenging. Usually care and concern becomes a burden when the going gets tough... its not about love anymore... its not about obligations... its not about right or wrong... its how much you are STILL willing to GIVE for the relationship that will really matter...

It is important that your husband feels your care and concern... By you saying that you care is not enough... he has to feel it... only then will he reciprocate...

Chemistry & Connectivity
Love and affection are by-products of this... how much you feel for each other is dependent on how well you both are connected... be it intellectually, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever... every aspect of connectivity is important and lack of it in any aspect will lead to a flaw in your relationship.. and unless you have a way to deal with such flaws, your chemistry and connectivity will be compromised... chemistry and connectivity can be used very easily to cultivate bonding between couples... Thus, find time to be away from your problems... pursue common goals and interests... continue to develop those sparks that ignited this relationship... re-live those magic moments of falling in love all over again...

I hope you would find this advice useful...

Answer 9

I am sorry you are so unhappy.
It is now time to take stock of this appalling situation.
You say he has always been this way? What attracted you to him then? Also maybe he has trouble showing emotion/love in a demonstrative way?
I would try again to talk to him and tell him what you want and suggest you both attend counselling.
If he refuses then I think you need to spell it out for him. Either you both love each other and find a way forward or you end the marriage?

Answer 10

I am no expert, but it doesn't sound like things will get any better. You can do better than this, you deserve to be happy and have a man who will treat you amazing and makes you feel so special and make you happy always.

You are only 27, you have so much of your life ahead of you, maybe its time to call it a day and seek true happiness. There are millions of guys out there, don't stick with one that doesn't make you happy or treats you right just for the sake of it!