Most tactful way to ignore other ppl's unwanted advice?

Question

How can i ignore ppl's unwanted advice wen my little baby is born in a couple of week's time?
(esp my husband's family who think tht they already own my little gal)

Also, whats the best way to let ppl know that for the 1st 2 to 3 weeks i really want no guests except the immediate family?

Yes this sounds harsh but my first little gal died of bacterial meningitis and I will die if soemthing happens to this baby?

Helen yr little note brought tears to my eyes!

The only ppl i want is immediate family.. My parents, my brother and his wife, my in laws n my hubby's bro and sister.. thts all

My firstborn died because it was her time to die.. Not because of other ppl's advice
I just dont want ppl interfering
I feel inadequate when ppl tell me how to bring up my baby
thats all

Also
I dont have a prob with my mum in law.. She's the greatest..
Its my husband's father's sisters who think they own the kid
I dont go there but they dont get the hint

Answer 1

For advice, I suggest you say to anyone right now "Thanks so much for that - I really appreciate your telling me because I respect your experience/concern/whatever. I'm so glad to know I can turn to you if I need advice when baby's born."

After she's born, say "Thanks so much for telling me, it's wonderful to know I have so much support," and do what you wanted anyway. If the person asks why you didn't follow their advice, say "(whatever you did) seemed like the best thing at the time but I'll bear what you said in mind in future."

The knack is to let them know how much you love them and respect their experience, but to make it clear in a nice way that you'll decide what's best at the time. If you can, praise them to others in front of them - things like"You know, even though times have changed such a lot I still love having Grandma's advice on xxx".

As for the visitor thing, just say it flat out to everyone. Start with why, and no-one will argue. You and your husband might want to send a note to everyone in the family, something like this:

"As you all know, we lost our first little girl and we want to do all we can to keep her sister safe. Please help us by not visiting during the first month of her life. We want her to grow up surrounded by your love and concern, but while she is building up her immune system we need to protect her, and we appreciate your help and consideration."

Be very specific about visitors - I assume you are restricting it to grandparents only? - and feel free to be assertive. It's your right to protect your baby. You can make up for it by inviting people over later and making a fuss about how great it is to see them and how much you appreciate them helping you to protect your daughter.

Answer 2

Keeping unwanted people away is a VERY good idea. Not just for infection, but after a baby you need all your strength and visitors are a bloody nuisance. I suggest you enlist the help of both grandmothers. It would be wrong to keep your mother-in-law away - so use her to sort out all the others in her family. Tell her & your mum your fears about meningitis and that you don't want anyone except (name them) visiting for the first month - but confess (confidentially) that you don't want to upset anybody and don't know what to do. They will completely understand your anxiety and will help you by telling the rest of the family to keep away. This will bond you with your ma-in-law which is a good thing in the long run. It will also allow you to get your point of view over without having to go round the family telling them all to sod off. She will do it for you. At the end of the day, she really only wants to be helpful and a part of yours and her son's life - even though she's a bit heavy-handed about it. She'll be happy being useful, husband'll be less stressed for being 'piggy in the middle' and you'll end up effortlessly controlling the situation while managing to look like Snow White at the same time. Can't be bad.

Answer 3

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be alone with your baby for the first few weeks, especially after what happened with your first child. Screen all your phone calls and don't answer the door! If you do get caught out just say you are really tired and were just going to have a sleep because you were up all night etc etc....Your friends and relatives will of course be disappointed because they want to celebrate the birth with you, but hopefully they will understand. Maybe you could send out invitations for a get together in a few weeks so you can introduce your baby to them, this might give them the hint! It doesn't matter what you do or say you will always get unwanted advice, but take some on board because you never know when it might come in handy!!!

Answer 4

Just smile and say "Thank you (for sharing/helping/offering that advice)" or "That's interesting, I will keep it in mind". Then choose which bits you'd like to follow. As long as you and baby are happy, you're probably doing the right thing. :o)

It's reasonable for you to only want immediate family to start with. Maybe you could make a small note of this in the birth announcement. If you're up to it, you could hold an open house around the 3-week mark for other visitors. Reasonable guests should call before visiting and be understanding when told you'd like to rest a while first.

When they ask to come over, say "Sure, is the new year ok? We are still settling in". If they press the issue they are being inconsiderate and you are within your rights to say you'd really like to wait a while.

Answer 5

Get some cards ready now so you can mail them the day your daughter is born.

Send a nice notice that the baby has arrived with all the particulars. Include that you will not be accepting visitors Under any circumstances until _____.

Then it's up to you to not answer the door when the people who feel that they are so much more important than the health and well being of mommy and baby try to barge in.

Good luck and stay strong. You deserve a healthy, happy baby girl.

Answer 6

im so sorry for your loss.

Congrats on the bub though, I would just say it plain and simple, maybe let your husband tell his family that you really need some space for a few weeks after your loss of your first one etc.. and they should respect that coming from him.

Most people will completely understand of your need to alone time you know? and are more than happy to respect that

And once that period is over, with the advice. politely listen i guess, but do what you think is best. if they want to be comstantly rude, you or your husband may have to say something directely

Answer 7

just let it be known plain and simply that you are not expecting visitors for the 1st month. Some people will understand, and the rest will just have to deal with it. ( If it will be easier on you, let your husband do the dirty work of passing the message--lol) As far as unwanted advice, thats hard...i dont really know how to avoid it. I'm on my 3rd child, and i still have people telling me what i need to have when the baby arrives...like i dont already know.

Answer 8

I'm planning to listen and smile, then just ignore.
It's hard, everyone knows best and thinks any other way is cruel ... sometimes making you feel like an abusive mother before you've even had the baby!!!

Explain to people the reasons behind your desire not to have visitors ... nobody will question that.

Answer 9

The question comes down to what do YOU want to do? If you are the parent of this child, it is yours to raise, no one else beyond you and the father really has much say in the matter. Be tactful or not, that is your choice, but if the advice becomes oppressive I would suggest a lack of tact might be in your best interest.

~

Answer 10

Honesty is the best policy and being open is always the best way to deal with any situation.

First speak to your husband about your concerns, and the fact that you want to do what's best for your new born, ask him for support if his family (or your family) pressurise you to do things.

Sorry to hear about your first child, but I think the way forward is to ask you doctor/GP for the best way to care for your new baby, and follow these rules. I don't think you will need to keep people away for the first 2-3weeks, but ask your GP for advice.

Don't be too closed up to advice though, as you'll be surprised with some advice that the other family could give you. After all, they did bring up your husband? :)