I love my husband a lot. However, Whenever he does something that hurts me and I get upset, he gets mad at me. Even if he is clearly and admittedly in the wrong, he still gets mad at me if I'm upset.
Tonight he was looking for a packet of paperwork he needs for work tomorrow. He left it in the car. He couldn't find it, so I tried to help him. I found the paperwork in the trunk. I went to hand it to him and he grabbed it out of my hand and went in the house and slammed the door. I didn't rub it in his face that I found it or anything, I was just trying to help. This happens often. He takes things out on me or is ungreatful when I help him with things.
I told him that it hurts my feelings when he treats me that way and he just gave the a generic "sorry" and acted mad at me. I'm not sure of the correct way to respond to that. Tonight I told him that his apology meant nothing because he never does things differently afterwards. Was that wrong of me? What would you do?
2007-11-25 18:56:57 · 17 answers · asked by sarahbeth 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I've been trying to nicely ask him if there is something he's upset about or if something is going on, but he won't really talk to me about it. He says no and thats it. I don't want to nag him, but I also don't want him to think that snapping at me all the time is okay.
2007-11-25 19:06:26 · update #1
In my house it's not unusual for someone to hear, "Save your apology until you can say it and mean it".
Set boundaries and enforce them. If he gets irritated because you're upset then let him. He's an adult, he'll live. Just stand up for yourself.
I really suspect there's something more going on. I'd suggest trying to get him to to go marriage counseling. Can't hurt to try. If it's just this one issue it could just be how he was raised and the only way he knows to deal with. Set him down when he's calm (not right after he messed up and is embarrassed or feeling inept because he knows you bailed him out) and tell him how it makes you feel.
2007-11-25 19:04:34 · answer #1 · answered by MISS H 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's an excellent idea. It sounds like the letter is ssensitively and maturely written and could go a long way to healing the hurt that is no doubt behind the anger that he is clearly still carrying. If nothing else, it will have purged your own conscience because they you have made amends as far as you are able. What he does with your apology is obviously up to him though so if you send it, let go of any expectations. You may well never know what he thought when he read it, but I believe that any reasonable person would be pleased to receive an honest apology from the heart, and that it would help him to lay the past to rest and hopefully come to look back on you with affection for the good times you surely had together. Hand written would be best, shows care and thought.
2016-05-25 23:41:44 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would be more concerned with him being upset with you all the time then the insincere apologies... no one should need to be apologized to so much. Ask him why he is so upset with you all the time, if he doesn't give you an answer you accept, maybe counseling is the way to go. Do not let anyone make you feel like the lesser person, you should be equals in a marriage, or it just won't work. You will end up resenting him if you don't fix it now.
2007-11-25 19:15:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
My ex-husband treated me much the same way. I wasn't "allowed" to get upset or angry. Except when I did I was usually beaten. I suggest that in situations like the one you mentioned stop helping him. Just sit back and watch, if he asks you to help then happily do so. You are not his mommy and he doesn't want you to be. You are his partner.
If you feel you must express or explain how his actions and attitude hurt you, it should be done like this:
Tell him point blank that this behavior is unacceptable in a marriage. A marriage is a partnership in which mutual respect is a requirement, it's not something you are asking for it's something that you expect and demand. Do Not be a softy and say it hurts your feelings. To men like this feeling are something to manipulate and/or step on.
Do you feel that he is happy in your marriage? Now, be honest with yourself though it may hurt. You need to take a step back and observe as if you were an outsider. Hind sight is 20/20, and now when I think back to my marriage I can see that he was unhappy with me. I thought then that he was the be all end all of my life. But in retrospect I was unhappy too. I tried so hard to make him happy, to be the perfect wife, to be everything he could ever want in a woman. And all that did was make us both miserable. Me for feeling like a failure because he was acting like your husband and him I think partly because I tried to hard and doted, and simply because I couldn't squeeze myself into the mold he created for me. The best advice I can offer is objectively evaluate the happiness of your relationship, though it may hurt. Because, of my past experience I really doubt if he is happy and would venture to guess that he is cheating or going to cheat.
2007-11-25 19:37:40 · answer #4 · answered by sonkysst 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me put it this way.... u reacted.... absolutely rationally and understandably...nothin wrong bout that.
Im a guy.. and trust me, we have no clue how ridiculous, childish, petty, insecure and downright stupid we are most of the time.. and even if its being rubbed in our faces.... it takes a lot to actually see it!!!! lol... this aint no justification.. just the sad, hard truth!!
Personally, i think u shud keep doin wat u did... stand up for urself. Ur nobody's doormat, and no one shud treat u like that.. not even ur husband. It may take a while... and yeah, it definitely may not be the most peaceful approach.. but to quote a fav. sayin of mine " You cant change, what u tolerate"!!
'Sorry' and "i love u" shud be heartfelt, otherwise they have no value. If u let him feel he can walk all over u, he's never gonna respect you enuff to try to improve. You deserve to be treated with as much love, respect and care as u give him.. its a two way street!!
If ur ok with the crap that ur currently gettin, learn to deal with it! But if u feel u DESERVE more... then expect more... he'l have to come around some day.
hope things work out for u... take care.
2007-11-25 19:17:20 · answer #5 · answered by Riddler 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does he have to be "in control"? (When you are upset he gets angry because it has broken the calm of his relationship??).
Does he get very very angry with himself when things go wrong? Are you really sure he is angry at YOU when you are upset - or is he really displaying anger at himself?
Either way he needs to recognise he has a problems , if only because it is upsetting you. A good counseller will help him through all this, but only he can make the decision to go.
Maybe you can "shock" him into seeking help? There are plenty of good suggestions on how to do this in your other answers.
2007-11-25 19:11:01 · answer #6 · answered by RayT 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask him how he would feel if you treated him that way? He is probably stressed out at work. Try to find some relaxing time for the two of you. Maybe a weekend get away.
2007-11-25 19:01:38 · answer #7 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is something that apparently been going on for a while and you have ignored it. You are going to have to change your reactions to what he is doing to you. You can't change him. He had to do it for himself. What you change is the way you react when he goes into those modes. Let him look for it himself. If he asks tell him he had it and he needs to find it and to stop taking his frustrations out on you. Or just simply don't answer/help him. When he asks why tell him because you are ungrateful.
2007-11-25 19:05:32 · answer #8 · answered by tikababy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe he has some hidden issues or problems that he has buried and not dealt with and they come out as little things. You better sit him down and have a heart to heart.
Things swept under the rug can trip you up.
Dont accuse him ask him questions so you dont put him on a defensive. good luck
2007-11-25 19:03:48 · answer #9 · answered by rufstuff 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to stand up for yourself....That is not right for him to treat you like that.
He has no right be to be a smart a**, at anytime, even if he is upset about not being able to find his paperwork, he should have been appreciative that you found it and THANK YOU should have been what you got when you gave it to him.....there is no reason whatsoever for that kind of behavior.....NONE.....
You need to talk to him and if he does not listen, then you need to demand his respect.....HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU!!!!!!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
2007-11-25 19:46:10 · answer #10 · answered by Optimistic1 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋