My husband & I have a total of 5 kids. We both have 2 from previous marriages & a 1month old child together. We took the kids out of town to see my husband's mom this past week. My husband's kids, now 10 & 6 had not seen her since birth and my children had never met her. My husband & I have been together for 3 years & married for a year & a half. The first night we arrive she gives my husband an envelope with an order form in it. She tells him to take a picture of his kids and the baby (his biological kids) and send in the order form. Apparently a she's having a blanket made of her grandkids...but my children will nt be included. She had tons of gifts...a landslide of designer clothes for my huband's kids and the baby, but gave 2 pair of underwear for my 8 year old & apack of t shirts and underwear for my 5 year old.She also gave my huband's kids $30 each and gave my kids $10,which of course led to his kids bragging to my kids about getting more. We treat them the same why won't she?
2007-11-25 17:14:28 · 13 answers · asked by Fire Side Water Side 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Its not about the money or the clothes!!! My husband and I provide plenty for the kids. It could have been sticks of gum instead of designer clothes and toothpicks instead of money! The point is that an adult shouldn't put kids in a situation where they they are made to feel more important or less important than the others. In my opinion an adult should know that. If I had known this was going to happen, I would have spoke to my husband about it in advance and done something to prepare the kids for it.
2007-11-25 17:48:30 · update #1
Your mother in law feels that your children from your first marriage are not her grandchildren. She is making her feelings know not only to you, her son, but to the grandchildren as well. I would talk to her about this and let her know you will not allow her to pit them against each other as that is what is going on since they are comparing what she gave them. Either she gives all the same or gives nothing to all. Her choice.
2007-11-27 03:38:22 · answer #1 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately, you don't say how your husband felt about this, so I'm going to do my best here and assume he was not thrilled. We adopted 7 children and have two of our own and I have a step daughter. Our rule is, if you want to be a grandparent, you are grandparent to all or none. Period. There is no "biological" anything. We will not have the biological children being treated like gold and the non biological hurting.
If your husband is on board he needs to call and talk to mom with kindness and respect. He needs to let her know that you sincerely appreciate her gifts, however, she will either do the same for all the children or she cannot do anything. It will be her choice. That you cannot put your family through that kind of pain.
First and foremost you are a family, just because you are blended does not mean you are not a family. If she wants to be in your lives, she will embrace all the children and treat them all the same, or she cannot have a relationship with any of the children. You need to stick to this. It has worked beautifully for us. Some of the grandparents couldn't handle our rules and just kind of disappeared, and others stepped up to the plate beautifully. Stay strong, make sure that you two are on the same page. But do not subject your children to that kind of pain. Get it handled now and give her the choice to do the right thing.
Just remember this. As your children's parents it is your job to nurture them, keep them safe and provide a loving and healthy environment. Those rules do not get thrown out the window simply because someone is a relative. In fact, we are sometimes put to the true test of our parental love when it comes to relatives. We sometimes make the mistake of subjecting our children to abuse and horrible situations (alcoholism, mental abuse, etc) when we are around parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings etc., simply because we feel we're obligated to relatives. This is farther from the truth.
The best example you can be to your children is to show them how much you love them and you love them so much you will not tolerate any kind of discrimination. That's right. MIL is discrimating against your family. For you to condone this behavior is then you doing the same as her. You simply cannot tolerate it.
Make sure mil does the same for your children or hubby needs to tell her no thanks on the blankies.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
2007-11-25 22:27:14 · answer #2 · answered by oh_my_its_linda 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't dictate the amount of money someone spends on the kids... she is taking care of HER grandkids but since she doesn't want your kids to feel completely left out, has been generous enough to give them something -- $20 and the cost of new underwear and t-shirts can be a lot for some people... depending on their income.
We need to realize that your children have their own grandparents, and your husband's children have HER... you don't have to like her, but i think there comes a time in our lives when we need to set the pettiness aside, let others live their lives in the way they see fit, and accept them at face value.
If you don't like the way she treats your kids, then don't take them to visit anymore.
2007-11-25 17:54:05 · answer #3 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, despite the fact that this appears to be unfair treatment of the two children from your first marriage, she may feel that since her son has not legally adopted these children that they have another set of grandparents who provide for them. You can explain to her in a nice way that all of the children feel like they are part of one family, namely the one you and your present husband have created. However, no matter how much wealth a person has, they may be very short sighted on how much love they can give to children they have never met. It is a bit unrealistic to think that they have equal obligation to provide financially for the kids that they have never met before and have no biological claim to. In time that may change. But I think that they were at least trying to be kind in giving the other children something at all. It is good that they were included and sad as it may be, even kids can understand that their other daddy has parents who are not grandparents to their stepbrother and sister . It may be that your present husbands parents feel unsure about how long this marriage is going to last. At any rate you can't dictate to anyone how they must behave and as long as they didn't mistreat your other children, and they rarely see them, i would just let time take care of it.
2007-11-25 17:39:35 · answer #4 · answered by Mama Mia 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hopefully she just doesn't know any better and is an insensitive clod...not that she is deliberately discriminating because she has some resentment for you and your kids. It has been my experience that this happens a lot.
Discuss this with your husband and ask him to speak to her. He can suggest that the gifts be similar and if she cannot afford to do the same thing for each child he will pick up the tab for the extra gifts for your kids. That is better than her hurting the kids with her insensitivity.
2007-11-25 17:24:03 · answer #5 · answered by ScSpec 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont agree with her 'divison' of the children at all.
My husband and I have 4 kids , 2 are mine and 2 are his, ( his dont live with us). But they are all treated equally.
My family buys for his children at Christmas and visa versa.
But I suppose in her defence if she hasnt seen her 'own' g/kids since birth, then she just might not know any better.......................and for that reason, I would ask hubby to have a whisper in her ear.
2007-11-25 17:57:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She sounds silly!!! They're just kids. They can't help the situation. Also, if she has to make a difference in them why can't she do it in privacy. Don't make the kids go against each other. I would talk to my husband about this, and possibly the MIL. That is so wrong!
2007-11-25 17:18:56 · answer #7 · answered by Hoping he will bless me with #1 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He needs to put his foot down and tell her to either treat all of the children the same or not get them anything at all and avoid going over there until she does. She is causing problems in your house that she shouldn't be causing. Good luck to you!!
2007-11-25 17:26:16 · answer #8 · answered by Al B 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well, first, its her money, she can do whatever she wants to, the point is what you going to do.
give your kids the differences, and that will solve the bragging part....
you cant change the way someone treat your kids, that is the way is going to be like it or not.
2007-11-25 20:21:15 · answer #9 · answered by Kristine 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"We treat them the same why won't she?" She's not YOU. She doesn't feel the need to treat your children as her biological grandchildren. That's life...Some people do some people don't. Either you live with that fact or stop going to see her. That is your choice.
2007-11-25 17:24:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋