My friend's foster dad is a PERV, and i know that he hurt her. What do I do?

Question

So my friend who just came to my school new this year, is in a foster home. And her parents i thought were nice. But one day in our group of friends for some odd reason one of our guy friend brought up a story about how some dad raped his teenage daughter. And i don't know why. But all of a sudden she just took of running like a bat out of he!!. So i followed her and she was in the bathroom just balling her eyes out. I asked her what was wrong, and she just sat their like rocking back and forth. I tried to rub her arm, and calm her down. But when I touched her she jumped and moved away. She was just having a nervous breakdown and i was so scared. Then she stopped and just left. So I gave her space and let her be the rest of the day. And this happen yesterday. She said shes going to tel me about it on Tuesday. And earlier I was thinking about it.And i have seen bruises on her arms before. But I never thought anything of It. Ugh im so dumb. Im so scared. What should and can I do.PLZ HELP

Its bad because I don't want to say anything. Only because she will have to go back to a different foster home and I may never see her again. I can't let that happen. My parents know about her just not the abuse.

Answer 1

You have to handle this situation very carefully. I know firsthand how distressing and sometimes unproductive Child Abuse investigations can be - I too was abused as a child (physically, not sexually) and in my situation the investigation made things worse. But my situation was different, when it was reported mum had already left dad and I didn't have much to do with him anymore. It can be an emotional process for all involved, especially if the father is innocent.

The bruises on her arm could have been from anything, and she could be in foster care because her REAL father abused her, or a step-parent, and that is why she got upset. I think you have to tread VERY carefully before labelling him a perv. Talk to your friend and see if you can coax her into talking about it, or take her to the school counsellor (if you have one). But by calling him a perv and assuming he is the guilty one, you can create a huge avalanche and ruin their lives. Trust me from experience, if it gets out, his career will be ruined, the family will have to move, your friend may not be able to live with them.

BE SURE before you go assuming things. But be concerned and look out for signs and red flags warning you that something sinister is going on. This is a difficult position you are in and I commend you on wanting to help your friend.

I strongly suggest you discuss this with no-one BUT your friend and a school counsellor, in case your suspicions are wrong. If it gets out it can also affect your friend, making her a target for bullying and nasty remarks. But stay alert and watch out for her.

You are a good friend.

Answer 2

I assume you and your friend are under the age of 18. If you are close to your Mom please talk to her about this immediately. Next choice would be a school counseler. Just because a family has been approved to be foster parents doesn't make them good people. Something is wrong and this girl needs help immediately. She is scared, she depends on these people for a place to live, food, clothes. She is wondering what would happen if she told on him for abusing her. Then there is shame and embarassment. All of this is normal but not right. She has nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Please talk to your Mom tonight or a school counseler first thing in the morning. Someone needs to reassure her that she can get out of that house and will have a safe and nurturing home to go to. She may get upset with you for talking to someone about this but what you are doing is in her best interest and she will eventually see that. Please contact me and let me know how things turn out or if you need some resources that you can contact in your area.

Answer 3

Go to your school counselor at once. They HAVE to report these things, but are trained that they can look for bruises and other ways to spot abuse; sometimes it is hard to detect, so a tip like yours is wonderful to help them. Your friend must not lie when asked if she is being hurt, because the dad will hurt her worse the next time. She will be afraid to say much, because she doesn't have a home and this means she will have to go to another foster home. A sad situation, but worse, one that is very prevalent. PLEASE, go to a counselor at once. Don't tell anyone else, unless you feel you can trust that adult person. Don't tell any kids, because you don't want your friends dad to hurt her because it was found out. She is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that is why she was crying and shaking, the story being told was a triggering point for her. Poor thing. Oh, please help her but use your best judgment.

Answer 4

It could be a couple of things, for one thing you said she was in a foster home, and lots of kids end up in foster homes because their family abused them, you know something happened because she is not with her family. And it could be that something is wrong were she lives now, in that case the foster home deal is run by a Child protective system in your state you can make a anonomous call to them from a pay phone if you don't want to get too involved. You should know that if she was abused at home and now she is in a foster home she is still trying to deal with what happened too her, and that takes time, She needs good friends now.

Answer 5

For the benefit of people not from Britain, I'll explain that it's okay for kids to go into pubs with their parents, as long as they stay in the family area (which doesn't have a bar in it) and they have non-alcoholic drinks. So Ellie wasn't doing anything wrong, when she went to the pub with her dad. Ellie, the next time this happens, just say "Dad, X is staring at me again and I don't like it". Your dad will then ask you what you mean and that's when you tell him that every time you go in, X seems to stare at your figure and you hate it. Of course, you could always ask X himself, "Hey do you have a problem ?" He'll say no and so you say "I thought you did, seeing as how you're staring at me again". Bear in mind, though, that maybe he doesn't even realise he's staring (though he probably does).

Answer 6

Ba Ba, this is serious. Can you talk to your parents about it? Or a trusted teacher? Does your school have a school psychologist?
You are not dumb, and you are understandably scared, because your friend is in a scary situation. She needs help, and it's too big a job for you to tackle on your own. Someone should report what you saw and heard to Child Protection Services, but they may not be allowed to accept your testimony because you're a minor. I strongly urge you to get a trusted adult to back you up and help you get your friend the help she needs.

Answer 7

Firstly, you're such a good friend. You've done everything right, so don't blame yourself.

She does need her space but she does need to talk. She is most likely just scared and it does sound like he is hurting her.

If you have a good relationship with your Mum, I'd suggest talking to her about it. She'll be able to to give you good advice because you are both very young and you can't deal with this on your own.

When she is ready to talk make sure you listen and tell her that she needs to talk to someone. Let her choose who that someone is, someone who she'll trust and can be open with (i.e. a teacher at school, a counselor, your Mum) Let her know that no one has the right to treat her like that.

If you can talk to your Mum then see if she'll let your friend stay over.

Good luck to you and your friend

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Answer 8

you have to contact an adult that you trust on...a teacher, a family member, a neightbor, etc. but make sure you talk to her before you start telling other people your theory. your friend may have some emotional trauma, and it may not be what you think...so let her talk to you..just let her know you are her friend, that you can be trusted and that you will be with her all the way.

if she is being in fact being abused, it has to be taken very very seriously and the person responsible has to pay for the vile crime.

good luck and is very commendable that you worry about this person.

Answer 9

I would tell your mum, if you have good relationship with her, and see what she thinks.. Ideally your friend could talk to a teacher ( if she wanted to ) and get help that way, but that does not always work. I think you should tell your mum really as you are so scared, or some other relative you can trust. Good luck.

Answer 10

You need to tell a teacher or another adult. If he is hurting her she needs to be gotten out of there. Get her help and do it soon. She is probably scared and does not know what to do. Since she is a foster child she probably feels helpless. Adults are suppose to help her and all they do is hurt her. See if you can get her to tell you. There is something really wrong here.