My husband of two years is not interested in being intimate with me due to my weight (thats his reasoning). This and the fact the everyday he is on some sort of website looking at pictures and videos of women and trying to communicate with them via email has hurt me very much. This hurts me so bad that my self-esteem is null. I have tried to explain to him that him doing this does not help the situation, that it makes me feel like I'm nothing special to him and that it's making me so resentful towards him. He told me that the only problem he see is that I am over weight and that if I would lose the weight we wouldn't have a problem. He wants me to lose weight but he won't give up the online women. I can't focus on me because I feel like I am wondering or worrying about who he is chatting with or looking at and if he might take it further and totally ruin are marriage. Has anyone else had this problem? Help!
2007-11-25 16:41:53 · 28 answers · asked by Lori 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
11/07
It's great that you tell them all the nice things you have done. I won't go into all the mean things you have said to me or my family.
I would much rather have YOU with me emotionally, physically and spiritually than with a vacation or any piece of exercise equipment. I'm not as materialistic as some. It's what I need from you to help me accomplish what you and I both want for me. But you just can't grasp that understanding or don't want too. What and how you say things to me as well as what you do online have a great affect on me and it would any woman. I'm not talking about just looking at pictures. I'm talking about the sexual chatting, the giving out cell phone numbers, the text messeges from a woman and you texting her back and calling her, the asking of a womans address that only lives 18 miles away, the exchanging of pictures and you think you saying that you would never cheat on me should make me feel secure?
2007-11-27 02:21:10 · update #1
Your husband is a complete a-hole. Yeah, sometimes weight can turn men off, but it is totally immature to resort to porn, women and make your wife feel like sh*t. He should be loving and supporting you.
Your marriage IS ruined and its not your fault, he's not being a responsable husband. I bet if you were thin he'd still be looking at porn and saying its your fault.
Heres what I say, leave him. Get thin. Find a man who loves you no matter what.
I know youre probably thinking you cant because you love him, or I just dont understand, or whatever, but Im telling you that he doesnt care about you. Eventually he will leave you for some other girl and your efforts and youth will be wasted.
Give that love and energy to someone who will reciprocate.
2007-11-25 16:53:07 · answer #1 · answered by pumpkin head 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
One of the key components to I see in a good relationship communication, cooperation and time (for each other).
I don't know how long he's been chatting with other women online but it seems like it's an addiction or an escape. Your weight can't be the only reason to his resistance.
Confront him again and gather strength! We're talking about your happiness here! Remind yourself why you got married to him, and vice versa. You have to know if this relationship is worth sustaining; if there's still a connection between the two of you. Ask him how you make him happy, to reassure yourself that he does care about you.
If nothing works, you have to put yourself at risk and take action for your future. You don't want to be stuck in a relationship with somebody that you aren't making memories with.
You have to remind yourself that you are the person he married, and not those women online! He may be addicted or may be trying a way to escape troubles in his life. Try cutting off the internet or password protecting the computer or blocking the sites he goes on, to show that you want to change but need his help.
For less drastic tactics, you could divert him away from the computer or try to keep him busy.
You are a strong person for seeking help online. It could be that his self-esteem has plopped also, and that could be the reason for his addiction; to feel like he is a 'king' when things have gone bad.
It isn't fair to you that you have to work towards something better when he doesn't do anything to support you.
2007-11-25 17:01:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is the Looser (or try in English ,Sips [Loser]) Jerk, A-hole that is actually Married to the Lady posing the question.
That's the Lady that didn't tell you all the story, we first met "online" so I understand her concern there, but I told her then and constantly tell her that I won't cheat on her, EVER.
She didn't tell you that from virtually day 1, I had asked her to take care of her weight, she also didn't tell you that her Mother is overweight and has had heart attacks and other related problems. She didn't tell you that I moved and gave up 2 Daughters, a nice Home, my own Business, great Friends and a wonderful social life and crossed the Atlantic and over 4,00 miles to be with her.
She didn't tell you, that she lives in a House which I bought and paid for, our Wedding which I paid for, for her and her Family and Friends and she didn't tell you that she lost some weight before the wedding and told another friend in an email that she intended on losing more, yet when the ring went on her finger the weight loss stopped!
She didn't tell you her Sister has had her stomach stapled, yet still piles on pounds, smokes and is a heart attack waiting to happen.
She didn't tell you that she eats out whenever she asks. She has had paid for vacations to where 1 in 4 residents are Millionaires, where she was bought Roses for the Hotel Suite.
She didn't tell you that I joined her in the Gym, tried to encourage her at every step, bought her a Bicycle for indoor work in the winter and 1 for the streets, as well as a weight workout bench. She didn't tell you that I used to run 3 miles every day, 5 sometimes 6 days a week, yet she gave it up because this muscle hurt, or that hip was sore, or her shoes were too tight....She didn't tell you she has a membership for "Anytime Fitness Gym" yet can't find the time to go, although she only works 7 hours a week, where is she now, she's in bed, at 3.00pm in the afternoon!
She didn't tell you that I hold her hand every where we go, that we spend a lot of quality time together, that I make her coffee every morning and tell her last thing at night that I love her, oh, except for the nights when she is sat in front of the computer chatting to her ex and others online, which doesn't bother me, yet when I talk with others........
She didn't tell you that she was the one that introduced me to the website of women on cam and she didn't tell you that I told her from the outset that most Men are visual, thats where the attraction begins for goodness sake!!!!!
I am sorry that you are turning resentful towards me and also that your self-esteem is low, I love you and try to do everything for you, yet the only thing that I have EVER asked you to do,(apart from asking you to marry me, oh and tidy up after yourself) seems to be the one thing you can't or won't do.
Maybe you should follow the advice of these highly knowledgeable Shrinks on here that have opinions, like A-holes, everyone seems to have 1 and there are plenty on here, (some of which just spout hatred without knowing half the story) and just "ditch the Jerk/Loser/A-hole"
One thing I will tell you is that I love you and that I want to be with you, but for the sake of your health and our Marriage, do whats right for you!
2007-11-26 09:09:33 · answer #3 · answered by david m 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had a similar problem with my first husband after I had my first baby I gained almost a hundrend pounds and I was so depressed afterwards mind you I was 115 and went up to 205. He was so mean to me he would lay out my size 4 jeans on the bed knowing I was an 18 and I was loosing the weight but not as fast as he wanted me to. So I got to a size six and he still would not let up so I left him I needed someone who could support me and if he wanted to help me loose weight and be my rock cool but to put me down and cause me so much pain I did not need that. If he could do that to me i did not need him my man has to have my back all the time.
Now I am remarried and my husband is the best I just had my third child and yes back at 200 plus but instead of all the pain my husband watches the kids so i can work out and he cooks healthy meals for the whole family and he shows so much love. Even over weight we make love all the time, he buys me sexy nighties and still slaps my a s s every time I walk by him. This is the support I need. And believe me I know no matter what I go through he will always be there for me.
I hope you don' t allow this to much longer demand your respect or give it to yourself .
2007-11-25 16:52:46 · answer #4 · answered by My Three 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Oh man! I'm so very sorry. Your husband obviously doesn't understand what a husband should be! It may be true that he could be less attracted with weight but that doesn't mean you aren't attractive and it doesn't mean he should deny you. He is already being adulterous just by looking at other women.
Would he go to therapy with you? If it was me, I'd lose the weight as best as I could, but you need to know that he still loves you. I hope he'll go to therapy and if not, try to go alone. It will at least help you stop feeling so horrible about yourself. It is him that has the problem, not you.
You and him will be in my prayers. I'm so very sorry for your pain! I wish I could hug you!
2007-11-25 16:54:03 · answer #5 · answered by oremus_fratres 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ok sweetie, I can tell you from personal experience, yes I have lost weight, but I still have some to go. But guess what? Girl, there is just more of us to love! Just because we're big does not mean we are not adventuresome and beautiful! Go out and buy yourself a naughty nighty and parade around in front of him. If that don't work... Well, you know what to do...(kick his butt out - if he can't love you this way he doesn't deserve you anyway) I am not one to tell someone to loose weight as it always made me want to eat more, but honey, since I've lost weight, I have sooooo much more energy. But you do what you have to do. Good luck... Watch the movie Hairspray, it really gave me an extra boost!
2007-11-26 04:49:54 · answer #6 · answered by YankeeSouthernMama 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you poor thing!!!!
if i were you, i would ask myself 2 questions.
1: are you happy with your weight?
if you are, you shouldnt have to change.
if your not, you shouldnt have to change for someone who wont change certain behaviours that offend you.
2: what do you consider cheating?
from reading what you wrote, he is opbviously looking for ways to communicate with these girls so isnt that basically cheating or having the intent on doing so??
i think you should talk to him again and tell him that you arent going to lose a pound if he isnt willing to change his behaviour.
marriage is a 2 way street and he shouldnt be making you feel so insecure and worthless.
i sincerely wish you all the best and hope things do work out for you as i know you want to make the marriage work but remember that it takes 2 to make any relationship work and if he isnt willing to step up and show that he will honour and respect you no matter what, maybe you should get prefessional help.
2007-11-25 16:50:28 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I can understand where he is coming from, I'm not trying to be mean neither, he sure had more guts then I do to tell you all this stuff, I just wouldn't have said anything about any of it, especially the online women, damn he's nuts !! LOL,, but then he don't need to be having his online women neither, they are not going to do anything for him being online, find you another men, they are guys out there that will tear ya up honey !!!
2007-11-25 17:08:56 · answer #8 · answered by Eddie B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only weight you need to lose is his dead weight ***. Once you get rid of him you will be fine. If he was my husband and he didn't want me no more........I would be happy to pack his shid and send him on his way. If that is what he wants are those online girls let him have them. There is somebody out there who would appreciate you more than he does who loves a meaty bone instead of a dry bone. Tell him one last time how you feel and if that don't work tell him to get the fruck out! Because you don't need his stupidity.
2007-11-25 20:10:46 · answer #9 · answered by Bree 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, your weight doesn't give him the right to try to communicate with other women online.
Secondly, if he wanted you to lose this weight...he'd be going to the gym with you, and taking an active role in being the supportive husband. Nothing in his vows stated anything about your weight, now did it?
You should try lose the weight, and sell the computer. How's that for compromise?
2007-11-25 16:47:30 · answer #10 · answered by darkening_hope 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋