I want to hear from those who have been married for 20 years or more...?

Question

whats the secret? how did you do it? I am a newly wed and it scares me to death that so many marriages fail. Mine can't be one of them. I love him too much.

Answer 1

Be committed. Falling in love is just the start, the commitment to keep loving is what makes it last.
That means you don't give up because it gets hard, or boring, or too much the same old thing. You really mean it when you say for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, until death do us part.
You don't ever give yourself permission to look elsewhere. If you give yourself an excuse - he doesn't understand me, make me feel sexy, ignores me, i need/want more, etc - you open the door to heartache for the both of you.
You learn to forgive your partner's mistakes, and your own.
You work together. No one can run a three legged race when only one person is running.
You communicate. You let each other into your thoughts. You don't hide from them, and they don't hide from you. You know each other warts and all.
There is something between the two of you that is exclusive. It goes beyond the family, beyond society, it is something intimate that only you two share. You become two halves of a whole, and can't imagine living without your other half.

Answer 2

There is no one, single 'secret'. It all boils down to one fact: people stay married because they want to.

Marriages go through a number of phases and developments, the details of which are nearly always unforeseen. What keeps two people together through all of those ups and downs is being committed to the relationship (honoring marriage promises...you know, the "sickness and health" stuff) and unconditional love.

You can't be selfish and have a successful marriage. When you marry, you create a new entity: Us. If all you care about is you, there can never be a happy Us.

I don't mean to disagree with you but loving a person "too much" is not enough. Love is essential, of course, but it takes more than love to make a marriage work well or at all. Each has to honor the promises of the wedding day EVERY day, and have a commitment to something higher than self.

Utlimately, people stay married because they want to.

Answer 3

Only 5 years, but my parents are 35 years. The secret is just being committed. If you don't believe divorce is an option, it won't be! No one should enter marriage thinking divorce is a possibility. The primary reason marriages were better 100 years ago is because they were committed to each other. Our society is too wrapped up on self-gratification and entertainment. If they are bored, they go elsewhere. Marriage can be really tough, but if you love each other and understand the sacredness of it, you'll be together until death. :)

Keep doing nice things, keep apologizing, keep making a nice home for him to come home to and being a wife he can respect and desire to provide and protect. Try not to nag (one of my biggest faults). These things will make it easier. Keep praying.

And it's wonderful to hear that you love your husband! :) Don't be scared. Divorce isn't a monster out to devour couples. It's something PEOPLE decide to do because they are don't understand what marriage is.

Answer 4

Well, I think it boils down to whether you're looking for reasons to split or reasons to stay together.
If, as the years go by, you keep doing things together, finding ways to overcome the blahs, keep involved with the children and I don't mean ways to control them and him, well, the years just pass by.
I'm not a religious nut so you will probably get a lot of that as answers. I find they are all a bunch of hypocrites anyway.
On occasion we will part and spend a week or more with the grandchildren and families individually.
You learn to compensate, I like to yak ( she doesn't want to know everything about my day! ) and she likes sports so we watch the Lakers together. We used to golf, tennis, bowl.
I'm not a control freak and neither is she.
She tells me butterflies are free and if I stand still long enough they will land on me. We can't smother what we love.
All the couples I know that are long timers, one or the other is the dominant one. It really doesn't matter which one. I pay the bills and we split what's left over into our separate accounts and spend as we see fit. We have to agree to buy large items.
She's kept her figure and so have I.
Relax and let it happen PS. I really am crazy about her.

Answer 5

My wife and I are now 25 years married. We dated for 3 years before getting married. Had marriage couselling prior to the wedding and all that. But what I think has kept us on track is DIVORCE is not a word in our vocabulary. (I had to look in a dictionary to get the spelling). You mustn't ever use that word in any conversation, not in jest or in anger!!! Keep the romance going which is tremendously difficult to do as the years go by, the kids grow up, the job responsibilities increase and all those things that put divisions in marriages. You and your spouse must always remember WHY you married and work to stay there.
In counselling we wrote 10 things we loved about the other which my brother (pastor who married us) kept for 10 years. We then did another list of 10 things we loved about the other and compared the 2 lists. Were we amazed when very few of the items matched on both lists!
Life changes, your situation changes and your love will change. Commit to work to keep it positive.

I love the response given by Oremus_f

Answer 6

We fight.. we yell.. we talk about everything and anything.
We're each others best friend. Stuff we enjoy we share with each other.
I think its good not to put yourselves in a position where something might happen like clubbing with girl friends or him bar hopping with his guy friends. Its better if you do that stuff together or with couples now. Even though your married doesn't mean your dead so why be tempted? Lots of guys don't care if you have a ring on and lots of woman don't care if he does, especially today. I think thats why most marriages fail. This whole conversation about "What? you don't trust me!? " If you love someone you don't need to even go there. We've never had that conversation but I've seen lots of friends who have and it never ends well.
Learn to forgive his mistakes.
Expect him to always respect you and you do the same.

We both believe in God.

Answer 7

The key is for both partners to take an active role in trying to maintain communication, respect, and romance.

Try to keep your expectations moderate and reasonable. Disagreements should be handled respectfully...and most of all, just staying committed and willing to work at it.

Everything takes work. You won't always feel happy, or perfectly hot for each other...but that's just apart of the growth and stage of marriage. You learn to be happy in the little things.

But don't worry over the little things. Keep your eyes on the bigger picture.

Answer 8

You don't need to be married over 20 years to answer this.
First of all, you're a newlywed. I hate to sound pestimistic, but all marriages have their ups and downs..eventually you'll discover yours.
There are countless reasons as to why marriages fail..but I know there are even more solutions to those problems..the couple just needs to work on it together.

Answer 9

Who says that after 20 years one is still married? I was married for 23 years...now divorced. Divorce doesn't ALWAYS stand for a "failed" marriage. Divorce isn't ALWAYS a "bad" thing. How did I do it? I bit my tongue, and for 17 of those 23 years I cried myself to sleep every night. When he became physically abusive I walked. Well loaded up a U-haul truck and drove away...LOL

Answer 10

Communication, compromise, and trust are key components in a long term relationship. Each person brings to a marriage an idea of what a marriage should be, usually these expectations are not completely met. You have to communicate what is important to you in your relationship and you have to be flexible to changes/compromises to maintain your marriage.