Should I get a divorce?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have very little intimacy in our marriage. He seems to be bothered by me showing affection to him in most ways. Sometimes, when I try to hug, kiss, or snuggle with him he will pull away from me. He also has a low sex drive and turns me down often. I feel like he just doesn't love me the way that I need to be loved. It hurts my feelings so much. I have tried over and over and over to explain how I feel and express that we need to work on our marriage. I honestly think that he is incapable of connecting with me on such a level. I think that I looked past all of this while we were dating. I think I thought that the intimacy would come with time. If we did not have children I know that we would divorce. I have overwhelming guilt when I think about divorce because he is a good man. I am also in the middle of college with two years left. I want to make the best decision regarding taking care of my two boys also. They come first.

Answer 1

"If we did not have children I know that we would divorce."

You are staying for the kids and the kids only. This is no reason to stay. In some cases, it is the best reason to leave. Whether or not you should get a divorce is your decision towards the future of your happiness. Outside influence will do nothing but complicate an already difficult enough situation. If you feel that a divorce is best for you situation, then get a divorce. If you honestly feel like he is a good man that may just have some under-lying issues that are causing his low sex drive and lack of intimacy, then you need to resolve those issues and look at where your marriage stands afterwards. Don't let instant emotion effect long-term decisions.

Answer 2

No, that doesnt make sense to get divorced.. Most men feel they have to work and take care of a family , which drags you down. Is he the only one working? Has your body changed alot after 2 kids? These are things you should consider. Sometimes you have to see things from someone elses perspective, to get a better understanding.You are in school which means you're still kinda out there in the younger environment, so you probably see alot of younger men that you view as better prospects. This can cloud you judgement. He is working at trying to give you the best life by lettting you better yourself in school. Most families cant afford such luxuries. Besides do you want intimacy or lust? Once people get married most of there intimacy is derived from helping one another and being there for one another, see if that is present in your relationship. Do you feel he meets your needs as a mother and a productive member of society. If so just let him know you need some together time. Time to be just you and him, things will get better it just takes time. Most people look there whole lives for someone to be with. You already have someone, so make the best of it while you can.

Answer 3

there are a few things that you need to consider when making this choice! One, why is your husband not showing any affection towards you? is there a health problem involved, ar is it a problem with his self-esteem or something, or is there another woman? Two. Your children come first! and that is why you have not yet filed for the divorse, but if your children live their whole lives with mum and dad together, how badly will it affect them when you divorce later down the track, if your marraige is not working, it wont get better by staying together for the kids, and they will sense that neither of you are happy and it will effect them worse when things suddenly change when they are older, the longer they are used to you being together, the more it will effect them when it goes bad!
i am 24 years old, and my parents have just announced that they are getting divorced after 25 years of marriage! my brother and sister and i are all devastated, yet when we were children, all our friends parents were divorced, so it was something we always considered might happen to us. But after 25 years, we considered our parents to be one of the special ones, we stopped considering it about 5 years ago, and now we are totally shocked! i am married myself, and since my parents announcing their divorce, it has left me questioning the strength of my own marraige, as it is only new!
If you are not happy, and you are sure there is no way of fixing the problem, and talking with your husband doesn't work, then it is probably for the best! But make sure you have exhausted every other option first, divorce should always be the last step! And you never know, you may announce to your husband that you are getting a divorce, and it might snap him out of it, and help him to open up to you about the problem! but try and see if there is maybe something that you are doing (or not doing) that is making it hard for him to approach you!!!
i hope things work out for the both of you, and for your children!
Good luck!

Answer 4

You say he is a good man but doesn't like sex or showing affection. Have the two of you and him especially seen a counsellor? There may be issues growing up that is causing him to shy away. I would give him an ultimatum of counselling and changing with a time limit or you will have to file for divorce because you can not live this way or don't want to live this way. You deserve to be able to pursue your happiness. You wanted to do it with him but he is not cooperating. Make the time limit 2 years to give the counselling a chance. (amazing that you should be finished school at the same time) It would make perfect sense to give him a chance to prove he has changed. Also, when you graduate you will be in a better position to support the children. You need to sit him down and explain his options and your needs. BUT be ready for him to tell you to find a friend and stay married to him. I have a friend at work in your situation except she works and no kids. Her husband didn't even blink an eye when she said she was moving out because of the same reasons. Good Luck in school.

Answer 5

Go see a therapist first of all. Together. Explain all of your problems and they will help you. Think about how this will affect your children. What they will go through etc.. You should not have to suffer from someone elses trait/condition. Mention to your hubby that you don't feel loved and you don't think this is going to work if he does not put in some effort. A relationship is not easy. You have to work for it your whole life. A relationship is a two person ordeal, not just for example you, putting in all the effort trying to make it work and getting no feed back. Whatever happens will happen for the best. Good Luck with college and this situation. I hope you work it out.
Lauren.

Answer 6

This is going to sound horrible but...if you are in the middle of college with children, it would be very, very difficult to be a single mom. I know because I did it and it sucked. It is very expensive and even with child support, it barely covers all that kids need. If you don't work, you'll have to take out so much in loans, you'll spend years paying it back once you start working. You are going to be tired and you will probably short change your kids (time wise). I would have stuck it out until after college if I had to do it over again. It would be much easier to start fresh when you have post college options. Perhaps things will change in the mean time, but I doubt it. Your relationship sounds doomed to me. Just think about what is best for you and your kids and do what you have to do to get there. Even if it means staying put for a little while.

Answer 7

Hmm, in all reality if talking about your personal needs doesn't do anything to get his attention, then nothing will. Hanging around for the kids is not a good idea, as it will make yourself miserable. Yes, you love your kids, and the best for them is what happens. However, being raised in a home with miserable parents isn't necessarily the best thing, and if your personal needs aren't being met, then you won't be happy in the end. Think of every possible decision, and your actions in each...Such as if you leave. How will you continue to go to school, and pay your bills? If you stay, how will you be happy? Think things through, and plan things out before making any decision.

Answer 8

Was he this way when you were dating? I have a friend who thought her husband had a low sex drive.. turned out he was cheating with anything that walked. I'm not saying yours is. He could simply not be that into sex, etc. I strongly suggest counseling. He needs to know exactly how you feel. You both need to be able to communicate. I wouldn't waste too much time on a relationship that isn't working because it will only reach an end sooner or later. Address it now as much as you'd address any school project or need of your boys because it is that important. Good luck!

Answer 9

Has it ever dawned on you that your husband may have something physically wrong with him that makes him feel 'non-sexual' and that he does LOVE you. Try getting him to see the doctor and have a 'full examination' to be sure he's not sick. THEN, if he passes every health test, you should try going to counseling first, and ONLY after that may you consider getting a divorce. Your husband may just need help in dealing with this ... and you getting HURT because he 'doesn't want you' is YOU thinking WAY TOO MUCH about YOU and NOT ENOUGH about HIM. So, be a GOOD WIFE and see about HIM and his needs and feelings first ... you may be VERY surprised at what may happen!

Answer 10

Try really hard to stay with him - divorce is devastating for children. But don't stay until you die an emotional death, either. Is he on any meds that could be causing this? Does he say he still loves you? Do you think he's cheating? Tell him what you need & tell him that if he doesn't start at least trying to provide you with those things, then you can't stay. But, I hate to say this... stay until you get out of school & find a stable job. At least if your life is more stable by being finished with school & having a job, their lives won't be COMPLETELY turned upside down. Aw man, I feel your pain- I hope your husband steps up!!! Good luck.