My fiance talks to his ex everyday?

Question

Him and his ex were never married, but they have a son together (who just turned 2). Every night she calls him, and he always (always!!) picks up the phone, saying "It could be about my child." She and their son live in a different state.

I asked him how come he didn't just marry her. He said she wasn't the right one. But he is always reminiscing about good times he had with her, it's so annoying. I tried to break up w/him the other day, but he convinced me that he doesnt love her, he is just concerned about their child. Riiiiight. I don't know what to do... [he's 30, she's 28, i'm 22]

Answer 1

Well, I agree that he should pick up the phone because it might be about his child. However, when he picks it up, this is how the conversation should go, "Is anything wrong with my son? No? Ok, please do not call unless it concerns our son. It is disrepectful to the girl I am with now."

I would not accept anything less.

Answer 2

I feel this boils down to how do you feel about this being a part of your life with him? You will have to accept the fact that there will always be a connection due to their child together. You are and will be sharing him for a very long time....do you mind that or would you rather begin a relationship with someone where you can be the first to share these very important life experiences with? Personally, I would hate the fact that she calls him every day...that is ridiculous and she is keeping in the picture by using their child. This is all about what do you want?

Answer 3

I wouldnt worry about it if it is strictly about the well being of the child, I mean if you had a child with him wouldnt you want him to be as consciencious and active in the raising and support of the child? However, if it is beyond that and you are subjected to having to socialize with the ex, get out now! Beleive me, exes are a pain in the butt and it will be a perpetual headache if you marry him and you dont like it now. BUT, if it stays within the bounds of properly caring for the child leave it alone.

Answer 4

Hmm, that sounds tricky. It's easy to understand the closeness of their relationship, since they did have a child together.

If she is always calling him and he is not initiating the interaction, it might simply be that she is pushing herself into your relationship or worse, trying to sabotage it. You may want to bring this up with him to see if he's felt similarly.

Speaking of talking, have you talked to him about how you feel about the phone calls in general? If you're still not sure what's happening, I would see if he would go to couple's counseling with you as it seems like he is not ready to commit to your relationship.

Also, I'd be careful about agreeing to marry him either, (especially if you "tried to break up with him" just last week!) until you feel safe in the knowledge that he has put his past relationship behind him and is ready to start a new life with you. If you don't see that he does this for you, you will start your marriage on the wrong foot.

Answer 5

This can be a tough one. My ex accused me of still being in love with a previous ex during the course of our 4+ year relationship. Not everyday mind you, mostly when she'd be very upset. Of course, I never gave her any real reason to feel that way, since I cut off all communication with that ex.

So you have some difficult things to reconcile. If you are going to resolve to make this relationship work, you're probably going to have to accept the fact that she is going to be a part of his life...she is the mother of his son, after all. And that might not be okay for a lot of people.

I think it would be helpful for your to specify exactly what it is you want. I know that ideally you'd like for him to know what's already in your heart, but sometimes you gotta cut guys a break: we want to know, you just have to tell us. It could be something like asking him not to speak with her every night in a row. And if things really are over, that shouldn't be a major concession for him.

Answer 6

Why are you worried. She lives in another state and he's engaged to you. He's probably being very truthful with you. He misses his child and is trying to be a good parent and I think if both of them can talk and get along, the child wins. Don't make a big deal out of it. He loves you because if he didn't he wouldn't be with you. And if he loved her, he would be with her. It's it funny how we get insecure when our emotions are invested.

Answer 7

First, a man who talks about their ex infront of the now girl is so disrespectful. They have a kid together, fine, but if he respected you he would tell her to call only when it about their son. An everyday thing, I don't know about that, does she tell him about their sons every move. Talk to him, a lot of baby momma's get jealous and try to ruin things.

Answer 8

Talking every night is not only negligent of your feelings but it's totally unhealthy for the both of them as well. I think you need to be in counseling with him.
She also needs to respect your boundaries if there is not to be friction in the future.
Sorry to say but it sounds like you are walking into a bees nest and you better get a handle on the problems before you entertain thoughts of marrying him. He needs to set boundaries in order to show respect for you while balancing a caring attitude towards his child.

P.S. I READ YOUR LAST QUESTIONS. I TAKE THIS ALL BACK. YOU SEEK COUNSELING FOR YOURSELF. YOU ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH FOR A RELATIONSHIP.

Answer 9

trust your instinct. if you feel uncomfortable about the relationship between the two of them, and he's not understanding of that, then maybe the two of you aren't meant to be together. the fact is, they have a child together, but as far as him telling you that she wasn't good enough to marry, that's crap. apparently, she was good enough to knock up and have his kid, but not marry? what if that happened to you? hmm...

does the kid have health problems? anything that would cause him to be concerned? my thought is that if he was THAT concerned about the child's welfare, he would have stayed with the mother....but that's just me...

if he doesn't respect you enough to limit his conversations with the ex, then maybe it's time to go. he's a lot older than you, and maybe he's just not ready to settle down...

Answer 10

your fiance n u should set boundaries rergarding ex.its gud for him to be worried about son but isnt the mum gud to handle the situation unless its necessary 4 him to be involved.if he plans to marry u then there r some dos and donts and its better u lay them out b 4 its too late. i am not saying he neglect his son but the ex should know when and when not to!she should know that he is with someone he intends to make his wife and respect that.