Ode Rewritten *suggestions, comments welcome!*?

Question

This is a revised version of
"ode to real life"

ode to a deadbeat dad

I shouldn't have to stoop to your level
My life was perfect until you reared your ugly head

I scream for salvation only I hear nothing
every time you whine you get your way

I do my best to work against the devil
Raising a child and wondering why

Why did it had to be this way?

I continue to try and make a living
while you hide and stay far away

You have all the attention while I sit along the lines
You get the answers while I still have the questions

One being why you continue to hide

I never thought that I would have to be
so hypocritical and so very mean
but life has showed me this

I was the civil one until you came along
You make me wish I never did bare you a son
My world was fine until you took charge

Why the hell do you have to make life so hard?

I pray for forgiveness every time
I feel I do or say something wrong

But now it's time I open up!
I hope you're listening to my words!

I pray for my son's future hoping that you
won't try to make him listen to your garbage

I hope that they find you and you get what's coming your way

If only you were different and didn't have your doubts
I would have been married and we would have had a life

but things just did not work that way
you took what trust I had

you took me to your family and although I feel its sad
they stuck up for you no matter what while I had to struggle to this day

sometimes I feel like you're the one who really ruined my life
but when looking back in hindsight I see that this is not true

for as it is said it takes two to tango
when I see your face I want to tell you

Screw you and all your pride
which you so shamefully show
making us feel like outcasts

is this your idea of a perfect world?

For every beginning there is an end
so here's to you and all your kind
may god have mercy on you
when it becomes your time

Danielle N Calhoun
© November 24, 2007

Thanks, RockChick, I do admit it was difficult to write, that's why it may see to you so out of order. It's a new rendition of a previous poem I posted here.

ari....not sure if I should say thanks, but oh well, thanks, lol

and

rhcpizno1 I really appreciate the comment! Thanks!

Answer 1

While I like yr subject, this ode, to me, is all over the place in its writing style, i.e. 1 line, 3 lines, 2 lines, not much punctuation, short & long lines. You start out in couplets that don't rhyme, go to a single line, then 3 lines, then couplets again. Decide your stanza length, if your rhyming, and try to get your lines in balanced rhythm.
The subject and what yr saying is fine.

Answer 2

Take a while to gather your thoughts. Brainstorm each stanza, and plan a rhyme scheme and meter (if you're brave, you can abandon those altogether). You definitely have emotions that can fuel the writing.

Answer 3

Kind of esoteric vertigo!

Screw you and all your pride
which you so shamefully show
making us feel like outcasts