my husband has left again for the 3rd or 4th time again. this time he got mad because he said i lied about working on the day after thanksgiving. first of all i did not lie i had to work but a few days later my boss said i didnt have too. but i needed to go in to finish a project i need to work on so i didnt tell him. but on thanksgiving evening i told him i might get off early and then he said oh you really dont have to work. and i said no but i need to go in and finish some work. he got mad and said i lied and all i needed to do is tell him that i need to go in for a special project. but that is a lie when i tell him the truth he gets mad and when i dont he gets mad. i damned if i do and i damned if i dont, he i just real controllling and has trust issue. i know that i dont need to be with him because he has been abusing me the whole time we have been together. but can he change, is their anyone who understands how i feel?
2007-11-25 13:36:01 · 15 answers · asked by shelly 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
hedda the reason I didnt tell him right away is because i knew he would get mad and my thanksgiving would have been ruined. this has happened before so i was just trying to wait until the right moment. but why should i have to do this. why can i just tell him things without him getting angry. i am a 42 year old woman and if i want to go to work that is my perogative, he does not own me and he should respect me.
2007-11-25 13:55:52 · update #1
Your husbnd will probably get worse in the future.
Your life will probably become more miserable.
The years pass by quickly .. so decide if this is how you want to live your life forever.
2007-11-25 13:44:25 · answer #1 · answered by Tara 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I was abused by my now ex husband.. and in most cases, no they cannot change.. I saw counselors and doctors to ask the same question. I was told that if it was a one time thing, if he immediately realized it and sought help himself immediately, and recieved long term treatment, it might be possible, but as they said, "you'd spend the rest of your life wondering when it will happen again.., not if.." If your hubby has done this in the past, did not immediately seek treatment for his own needs, etc.. I'd say highly unlikely that he will change.
You hope he can because it's also part of the abuse cycle.. you want the fantasy that you have built for yourself because the reality of what your relationship is scares the he!! out of you... look at the reality.. all of it... not just when he "loves" you..
Seek counseling through a domestic violence service .. I know, I've been there. ... email anytime..
2007-11-25 21:46:07 · answer #2 · answered by Wildflower 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He can change only if he wants too. However, you don't need to be with an abusive man. No man should be abusive to his wife, PERIOD! There is no excuse for his behavior. Next time he leaves, change the locks and don't let him back in. I get tired of seeing women put up with **** like this and they think they have to stay. Trust me, you don't. What does he say when you go shopping, or, run an errand, or, go visit people? You see what I mean? If he gets mad about you going to work, what about the other times you walk outta the house? Come on. Open your eyes and listen to your brain.
2007-11-25 21:52:47 · answer #3 · answered by scicodawg 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only on a very rare occasion, and only if they recognize it is THEM that is the problem and THEY seek help. If they are forced to get help, or just do it to shut you up, then no, I don't think they can change. In your case, your husband feels you are the problem and I really don't see him coming around to him seeing the real picture. If you know you don't need him and he has been abusive the whole time you have been together, it is now time for you to do something for you and leave him. You will be so much happier without the dead weight pulling you down.
2007-11-25 21:44:51 · answer #4 · answered by ♦justme♦ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was with a guy for 3 years and for 1 1/2 years of that time he spent most of it abusing me. I dont think they can change while in their current situation. People are creatures of habits and honestly why fool yourself into thinking that even if he changed you wouldnt resent him in some way for treating you as he has. I suggest you take the pain of leaving and walk away.
I talk to my abuser frequently and we are very good friends. I can't imagine him being the way he was with me now but at times I still resent him for it. Now he isnt like he was with me with any of the women he is dating currently. People have different reactions due to certain interactions.
2007-11-25 21:49:00 · answer #5 · answered by Iamscaredformylife 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
not without some serious counseling and a lot of time. but you also have to consider some things. 1) are you both committed to communication? 2) how much time are YOU willing to devote to this relationship? 3) have YOU prayed, soul-searched, meditated on or thought long and hard about what to do?
abusers rarely change but love really does conquer all.
2007-11-25 21:51:56 · answer #6 · answered by freeD 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think an abuser can change if they really want to, but most of the time we want them to way more than they want to. Why give up control of someone if you dont have too? Even if they want to it is a behavior that is instilled in them, meaning no matter how hard they try, years later if they get mad enough at something, thier gonna go right back to that behavior. My advice is to get counciling if hes willing, or to try to leave and find someone thats better to you!
2007-11-25 21:43:00 · answer #7 · answered by crzyldy3 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
first of all i did not lie i had to work but a few days later my boss said i didn't have too. but i needed to go in to finish a project i need to work on so i didn't tell him.
If you knew ahead of time that it wasn't necessary for you to go in, you should have just said so in the first place.
But then you procrastinated until Thanksgiving evening to tell him......
So was there a reason you avoided telling him the truth in the first place?
Sorry, but I think you brought this upon yourself. And if you do this a lot, I can see why he has trust issues with you.
2007-11-25 21:47:21 · answer #8 · answered by Ella 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
i was with an abuser for 4 years living with him and his mom. I didn't realize how physically, emotionally abuse he was until I moved in with him. Big mistake, I was trying to get out of the relationship but he kept begging to keep me and promised that he would change...he didn't. Especially when drugs came involved, I've just had it. I packed my things and lived with my sister. So its not even worth trying to make the relationship work.. Your just going to make yourself even more depressed and unhealthy.
2007-11-25 21:50:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think he will change. Having to go in to finish a project is working. Let him go and don't let him come back. He needs to grow up. He just walks in and out and you are suppose to jump to his whims? You don't need that.
2007-11-25 21:46:04 · answer #10 · answered by kim h 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋