How to I repair the emotional damage I may have caused my children?

Question

I have three great little boys. They are sweet, caring, smart, obedient...everything a mother could ask. Due to immaturity and a bad relationship with my husband, they have seen me lose my temper, lose control of my emotions and basically live trhough my depression.

They're 11, 9 and 8. ANd I Can see where they may be hurt by all of this, but have no idea how deep that goes. I'm at a turning point in my life where it is more impotrant to me than anything else for them to grow up to be healthy people, and am learning to simply be responsible and not blame my bad marriage for all of the things I don't feel as if I am doing for them....quality time, playing with them, listening, and just being a grown up.

Where do I start?

Answer 1

Just love them and be a good Mom.. the oldest will probably remember more than the other two. My kids saw me go through depression for 2-1/2 years and they don't even talk about it because they know I am well now. That is all what counts with them the present!

Answer 2

Start by doing the things you say you want to do. Every day. Start tomorrow. Put up reminder notes all over the house if you have to. Be an example to them that someone can go through a bad time and come out on the other side and live a happy and healthy life. Show them how you want them to live by doing so yourself. Look at the positive things that have come from your relationship issues. You are teaching your boys that women can be strong and independent. You are showing them that a bad relationship isn't the end of the world, it might just be a new beginning. Talk to them, try to get them to open up about how they feel. They might actually surprise you. Most of all, be real with them. Hope that helps, good luck :)

Answer 3

Ok, well first off relax. I know this may not help, but I personally believe that all parents damage their children in some way or another. If they didn't, they wouldn't be doing their job.

Secondly, don't start by buying them things or spoiling them. This may make them happy at first, but in the long run does nothing. My mother was a prescription drug addict as a child. Everytime she'd get really bad on her drugs, i'd get a new doll, barbie, or other fun toy. When I got it, it seemed great. It never quite made me feel better. And in the long run did nothing.

The third thing I would do is talk to them. See what they know, what they want to know, and what might have hurt them. I would do it seperatly as they are at different stages, and will have different needs. Plus, most kids, especially when they have siblings would do anything for private time with a parent. I wouldn't come straight out and ask them, but be tactful. Ask how they feel about things. And actually listen. Don't interrupt them, or tell them how they feel. With the little one, you might ask "now when that happend did it make you feel sad?" something general, but let them all tell you how they feel. Depending on the ages they were, they will have different levels of understanding.


Fourth, if you are truly worried, you could try talking to their peditrian, and ask about counceling. Councelers are good at getting things out of kids, and getting to the root of things. If meds are brought up, I would do those as a last resort. While I am not completly against meds for kids, I do not like it when people jump to them as a first resort. Even with adults they should only be used when nessary.

Finally, relax. As long as you love your boys, they will love you. Through all my mom and I have been through, we still love eachother. And your showing the best sign, but recognizing what you have done might have harmed your children. I think thats one of the things that makes a parent good. Not if they hurt their kids, like I said, even the best parent will. The better parents recognize that and try to do something about it.

Good luck

Answer 4

I am the 21 year old son of a separated couple going through a divorce. What I feel like I need to most from both parents is quality time with both of them, and that can be either one-on-one time or shared with my younger sister. Honestly, there are times when I still feel betrayed by both of my parents for failing to work things out, and even at my age, I get very upset with both of them sometimes. Case in point: holidays. Never going to be the same again, never going to have my whole family around the same table without that awkward tension, if at all. You start to notice these things after a while. Anyways, I don't think you can protect your children from all the hurt that they will experience from this, because divorce is an awful thing. But you shouldn't feel guilty, I'm pretty sure only sickos go into a marriage planning to get a divorce. Sometimes there is no better alternative, as much as I hate to admit it. Your children are already learning a lot about life from this situation, and their lessons will be painful, and will be difficult. But, if you do everything you say you want to do above, be a loving parent, spend time with them, play with them, listen to them, you can see them through this tough time. Also, respect their father, even if you can't love him anymore, and don't turn your children against him. I sincerely hope that you wouldn't feel the desire to do that, but I am beginning to learn how powerful a mother's love is from other divorces that are occurring in my family. If you feel like you want to turn them against their dad, resist, and at least try to be professional with him. I'm sorry that things didn't work out, and I hope you are able to find peace and comfort. Tell your children you love them every day, and surprise them when you can. Be respectful to their father, even when it's hard, especially when the kids are around. That just about sums it up. God bless you.

Answer 5

I feel like your boys will be fine . . . they are not showing any behavior problems, and it sounds like there there is a lot of love between you all. I would not worry so much about this, but you need to start taking care of mom . . .

It sounds like you may have a chemical imbalance. Serotonin is a chemical that aids in sending messages to the brain . In the central nervous system, serotonin is believed to play an important role as a neurotransmitter, in the regulation of anger, aggression, body temperature, mood, sleep, vomiting, sexuality, and appetite.

I suggest that you make an appointment with your regular doctor, and tell him about your depression, mood swings, and lose of control of your emotions. (You don't have to go into parenting and all of this with your doctor.) Your doctor will decide what is best for you.

There are several good Rxs out there that you take once a day. It builds these serotonin levels up so they will not be deficient, and your emotions will be on an even level. (Lexapro is an excellent one.)

I feel that you deserve to be commended for realizing that something is just not quite right, and wanting to be the best parent you can be. Please don't beat yourself up over this.

If this is a chemical imbalance, and you get the help you need in balancing the serotonin you will see such a change in your whole life. It will help in your relationships with your husband and children too.

Just remember to always make sure that you have the money to buy your medicine because it is very important to take it everyday.

May God bless and keep you in His precious care aways.

Explore this for more information:
http://www.lexapro.com/default.aspx?WT.srch=1&PlacementGUID=971BC56E-E1A9-4503-BD93-E100C0CB35A0

Answer 6

You can't "un-ring" a bell. So .. start with now.

Give them a secure home.

Guard your temper .. this is important.

Speak quietly .. don't raise your voice.

Laugh a lot with them. Laughter is important. Smile at them a lot.

If you do all the good things with them now .. you will put enough good things in their life that will help over-ride the bad things. They will have sporatic memories of the bad times .. but when they are replaced with great times .. the good will over-come the bad .. which will set as an example.

Just give them all the warm love in the world.

Don't let your guilty conscious rule you .. get way passed that.

There are so many broken homes .. and all parents are not perfect - no matter how hard we try. Just love the fire out of your kids .. and put all the negative things out of their lives.

Make them happy and secure. Let the past fade away.

Answer 7

You start with ..."quality time, playing with them, listening, and just being a grown up." You said it yourself. It'll be too late if you wait any longer, especially for the 11 year old. You need to earn their respect back by being patient and loving. That does not mean you can't discipline them, it means you must be firm and responsible without losing your temper too much. We all have off days, just don't take it out on your innocent children. Sit down and talk to them like a mother, not like a friend and they'll trust you. Good luck and I have a feeling you're going to be fine and so are your kids.

Answer 8

I would look for a good family counselor in your area. This isn't just a one or two answer easy fix. Of course grow up, of course listen and spend quality time with them. Those aren't fixes though, those are your responsibility as a mother. You could try reading a few books by Steve Arterburn like "Healing is A Choice ." The key here is you need to become a whole, healthy person yourself. Good luck, you can do this. Be proactive.

Answer 9

Well, it looks like you've already started. Acknowledging that you've not been the best you could have been is a great start. Getting things to a good point is going to be hard, but you seem like you're on the right track. One thing you need to be told though... Don't keep beating yourself up about this. You need to face things and move forward! Kids don't always need to see only the good things. Talk to them about things. They can understand, if you explain it correctly, that sometimes parents DO make mistakes and sometimes parents can act more like children than children do. Believe me, if you help them understand that parents aren't always perfect, they'll adjust better to the real world. Try talking to them and then be there for them, like you always wanted to be.

Answer 10

You should sit down with them and explain everything you went through factually and emotionally to them. Let them know you love them and you would like to abandon all the bad things that happened in the past and change for the good.
I think they are old enough to understand you, at least for a little bit. Keep talking to them as they grow up; they will understand more as they grow older, communication is the best way. Tell them Life is a journey and you would like to turn the page and start a new bright chapter with them.