I recently married, moved into my husband's house, do most of the housework and more, and feel unappreciated.

Question

I recently got married and moved in with my husband. Since I moved in with him I have done most of the work around the house (wash dishes/clothes, clean, cook dinner, etc.). I feel that he doesn't appreciate that I do those things for him, like he's already too comfortable and we've only been married a few months. This is the second marriage for both of us, so I wouldn't say we have unrealistic ideals about a marriage. Anyways, also since we got married, he doesn't shower everyday, only wants to have sex when he feels like it, or do anything else when he feels like. Not that I want to when he hasn't showered, but it's the principle. Anywho...I feel like I do a lot for him and really don't feel appreciated for the things I do and put up with (his family). I want to talk to him about this but I know it will "blow his mind" and he will get extremely defensive about it and it will be a huge "discussion". How can I or should I say something to him?

I don't mind doing things around the house. It's just that I work as does he but I also take care of business when I get home too. He's in the military and about to leave to deploy without me for a year, and I think that may have something to do with and why I kinda don't want to say anything because he'll be gone in two weeks, but I don't want now to be a standard for our marriage.

I do have a job! I am a teacher and I am in school getting my masters. I'm not a housewife or a whore!

He used to bathe daily or mutiple time a day until our honeymoon.

Answer 1

i think a lotta people got through the same thing you do right now. at first it did seem to me like he`s got too comfortable with you doing most of the housework. i mean no man will say no to a clean house and a warm meal but you are absolutely right, he can do a thing two as well.
i really liked this one guy`s idea just ask him "can you help me?" it does work. of course if you fuss about it everyday he gets stuborn. just ask him nicely to take out the trash or what not. i know it can get frustrating to do most of the work but yelling at him won`t solve the problem.
now the sex whenever he wants to is a different thing. as you said he`s in the military and about to deploy.my guess is he`s really stressed with that situation,recently got married and then he`ll be away from you for a whole year. everybody copes with stress different and in his case that is how he shows it. he has other things on his mind than washing clothes etc. I`m not trying to defend his behavior but i kinda understand it. that`s where the problem starts you guys should talk more. yeah you probably heard all that before but it does help.
i guess your husband is the quiet type who doesn`t really talk about his feelings or what is bohtering him so the best approach to confront him is patience. don`t bug him about why he didn`t do this or that just have a quiet moment , sit down with him and ask him what`s on his mind. he may not wanna talk at all but in that case you tell him what`s been on yours. this is really important don`t get loud or blame him or whatever, just have a normal conversation with him and i`m pretty sure he`ll let you know how he feels about this.
tell him to see it from your point of view.
well that`s all the advice i can give you.the best of luck to you.

Answer 2

The sad thing about relationships such as this is that you had the opportunity to discuss the division of labor and everything else before the marriage and just didn't.
It looks like he has settled in because you are doing everything without complaint. Men (at least the traditonalists) often expect their wife to run the house. It seems as if he also expects to be very comfortable at home, even to the point of not bathing....
As we say ..the honeymoon is over.

If you have a career, tell him you need to talk about dividing the household chores because you are just too tired or busy to do them all, just don't do some things anymore and see if he notices, or ask him to help so that you can then have time together. The longer you let it go on, the less likely he will be to change.

My boyfriend used to flop onto the sofa when I was preparing dinner at his home, he seemed to expect me to do it all.
I just went to him, and very sweetly (with a kiss etc.) told him he didn't have to help if he didn't want to, but I needed him to be near me while I cooked. That seemed to focus him on my needing him, rather than on me telling him what to do...and men like to be needed. He began coming to the kitchen without being asked, and then began asking how he could help...we now cook every meal together, and clean up afterward too.
Good luck.

Answer 3

yes, you should say something. have you asked him to help you around the house? Don't be negative about it, just ask him nicely to help you in the kitchen when you are cooking or washing up. If he won't, then say "we have to talk" and tell him how you don't have time to do everything around there and that you would really appreciate it if he could help out as it is his house too and you both want it look nice. But you have to say it without accusations in your voice.
and maybe offering to wash his back in the shower will get him to take one, especially if it is with you and you act all sweet and sexy. I know it will probably gall you to do it that way, but sometimes it is better to compromise, and who knows, you might have some fun in there.
but you definitely have to talk to him about how you feel and you guys should sit down and have a pertinent discussion of what is bothering not only you, but him also. Maybe he is feeling unappreciated for some reason. If he changed when you got married, then there is a reason for it. And if you feel like you can live with him without seeing any changes in him, then do so. But if you can't, then call it quits sooner rather than later because if you don't you will regret wasting so much time there taking it and feeling bad about it.
I am not a marriage counsellor so I could be wrong. Do you think he would go to one, or talk to your priest or pastor or whatever?
good luck to you both

Answer 4

Sounds like his idea of what a marriage and a wife should be is different than yours. Did you discuss this before you said I do? Or were you just so happy to have someone that you kept your blinders on? Talk to him you must, angry he will be, you not saying anything will only serve to corrode any feelings you have for him right now. No one wants to be the Bad Guy, but this communication thing really works! If he doesn't know, how will he know if you don't tell him? He will get defensive at first, most do, but given time if he "loves" you he will realize that we are all imperfect and he will try to be better. Or he won't, either way you know what your up against. Ahhh, love! Why do you blind me so?

Answer 5

Are you trying to say that this is a whole new personality he has taken on since you two have moved in? You had to know that he was somewhat this way before you married him. I would say have a discussion with him, and I wouldn't even worry about him getting on the defensive. This is an issue that's bothering you and when two people are married they need to do what's necessary to keep the relationship on the "happy level". If he starts getting on the defensive, try calming him down by telling him that you're trying to talk about this now, not hold it all in and hopefully avoid a huge argument.

Answer 6

I don't believe that people suddenly "mutate" as soon as they marry....so I think you had some red flags BEFORE you married him....maybe you just thought you could change him?

For example, you say you "know it will "blow his mind" and he will get extremely defensive".....so that tells me you KNOW you married someone with a short fuse...or at least someone who doesn't like you to point out things that you don't like.

Also, you don't say who works and who doesn't. If he works full time I don't think the housework should be his anyway. If you both work, then there should be a sharing of the housework (you say you do "most" of it, not ALL of it, so he is obviously doing something). But again, you have a hubbie with a short fuse, so you obviously haven't discussed the division of the work, which is what mature couples do.

As far as sex is concerned, AGAIN......mature couples are capable of sitting down and discussing these things. I'm wondering why, if you wanted all those things, you didn't marry a guy who would give them to you.....?

Answer 7

Grins! Interestingly enough, a similar situation happened with my wife and I a dozen years ago or so, and the "ex" in question is still with us, and shares our bed regularly. In fact, we consider ourselves a triad rather than couples. I think it might be worth talking very seriously about the idea with your hubby first, and the woman in question second. If you would consider inviting her to be an equal partner, then it's definitiely something to ponder. Just a note: The sort of relationship we have requires MASSIVE amounts of communication, and a constant abiding sensativity to any jealousy, and hurt feelings. It's got some terrific benefits, too, of course, but I just wanted to warn you that it's not all peaches and cream.

Answer 8

First of all this is your second marriage and your already having problems because you should have put your foot down from day one to let him know that he has to help out and be more responsible and he needs to shower daily and if he doesnt he wouldnt be making love to you. he doesnt appreciate the things you do for him. If you feel this way why did you marry someone who is inconsiderated of your feelings. Sure i would let him know how i feel what more can you do sit around and become upset all the time.

best of luck

Answer 9

So WHAT? So what if it's a huge discussion? So you're saying you are afraid to speak up?! You're going to continue to tippy-toe around and not "rock the boat?!" No WONDER he married you! He has a built-in doormat who obliges him in everything. And ICK! Why would you tolerate even having someone in your household that doesn't bathe every day? Did you know this about him before you married him? It's disgusting!

It's pretty clear why you two got married. You married him for financial reasons (aka a whore), and he married you to have a built-in slave. Grow up! If you don't like things the way they are, then say so. If he pouts or has a temper tantrum like a 4-year old child, that's his problem! You are supposed to be an ADULT. Why are you afraid of his reaction? Is he abusive? If so, then why did you marry him? Remember, as the other adult in the household, YOU are legally and morally responsible for your choices; for what you decide to tolerate. If you don't want to do housework, then get a job and bring home your own money! But nobody gets a free ride. Everyone has to pull their own weight and "earn their keep" - except maybe for Paris Hilton with her $300 million.

Answer 10

Read the proper care and feeding of husbands. Talk to your MAN do not give up on this and do it soon or you're gonna hit him where it hurts with a lot of things he probably doesn't even know are making you mad. If you can when you do talk to him be non-confrontational with it. If something you were doing was bothering him how would you want him to approach you? You can't go wrong if you do it with love, patience and kindness and a lot of respect.