emotional blackmail?

Question

my ex is blackmailing me emotionally. he keeps saying he is going to commit suicide. I fell for it for 5 years. I talked him out of it every time - or maybe it was just a game to get my attention and to get his own way. Our relationship ended a month ago, and he is blaming me for his depression (even though he was depressed before we met (which he denied until 3 months into the relationship).I know I shouldn't be so weak. I can't be treated like dirt because he suffers from depression. my friends tell me he is bluffing and i should cut all ties. It's a bit of a gamble to take seeing as he has tried to commit suicide twice before (before we met). I found out recently he spent time in a mental institution. He has no (close) friends and no family. I am the closest to him, but i can't take it anymore. (it brings me down). I care about him yet i want to break free - but how would i feel if he did hang himself? i wish i'd never met him. i don't know what to do. what would you do?

Answer 1

You are NOT responsible for him being a loser. You are enabling him to use you and have control over your life. He does not want to lose his control over you and he knows that if he tells you he is suicidal you will respond. A person who wants to commit suicide will just do it, they won't neccesarily call for help, that is a game people who have fear of losing someone play. You have to understand that if he does make the decision to end it, that it is indeed his decision. You cannot control him and I don't think you really want to. You will not be responsible for HIS actions, only yours. I wish you hadn't met him either, but, you did. Now is the time to let him go and if choice is to end it, then so be it. Stop being the patsy, take back the control of your life and ignore him. If he "tries" to commit suicide and ends up in the hospital, by no means are you to go and see him. It will be another step in trying to regain his control over you.
Quick story, my Uncle is a retired cop in Detroit. I stayed with him for 6 months in the early ninties, one day my cousin(his daughter) called up and was telling my aunt how she was going to kill herself, after a while of this my uncle picked up the phone and yelled at her to just do it then! And hung up. Imagine my shock!! She is still alive today. He told me many stories about people like this. They desperately want someone to come to their rescue because they are unable to develop meaningful relationships in their lives. They live for the drama and the last second good feelings they get from doing this. This man is not mentally healthy. Let him be and he will either come around and get help or he will find someone new to use for awhile. Life is a blessing, but it is only a short time we have to spend living it, why waste your time like this? If he doesn't value what a gift he has been given then that is his problem, not yours.

Answer 2

Do not listen to your friends, he is not bluffing,he may be manipulating your emotion,but he is not bluffing ,You are right to worry about your own feelings if he succeeds in committing suicide,especially if you have children.Talk him to seeking professional help and if necessary have him forcibly committed, he needs help,and, HE NEEDS IT NOW, but you cannot take all this on your shoulders, believe me I know what I am talking about, if there is no family then MINISTER, PRIEST, DOCTOR , SOMEONE SHOULD TALK TO HIM , good luck
I have just read the answer to your question from other participants, and I feel I have to add a bit more to this story,although I agree with some of the things that the others have advised, I also know that they have never been in a situation were they have experienced the real thing , yes,a lot of people will open their big mouth and cry wolf,as a mean to get their way, but going as far as saying that those that threaten will never do it is a fallacy, they will do it , so I have learned with much regret and believe you me the police could not do any thing either, so get him help. fast because believe you me , regardless of the advice you will receive you will feel like crap, if he does do it

Answer 3

Last time I checked, everyone was responsible for THEIR OWN actions! YOU are allowing him to so called "emotionally blackmail" you. If he was any kind of man he wouldn't be doing this to begin with. He is a weak minded individual so why would you want anything at all to do with him? Sounds to me like he needs to man up and be responsible for his own unhappiness and stop blaming others. It's called ACCOUNTABILITY. Maybe he should get some. If you find yourself unhappy and miserable over this it's because you are giving him the power to make you feel this way. Nobody can make us feel a certain way without us allowing it. So stop playing a victim and cut all ties with this loser! My ex husband played the "I'm gonna kill myself card" when I didn't want to be with him anymore. You know what I did? I LEFT HIM! And to this very day I see him still alive and well. Your guy is bluffing. And if he's not, oh well. Suicide is a cowards way out. Maybe you should let him know that. It might just change his tune!

What a WUSS!!!! If you cared about him you'd call the cops on him and they can do an intervention on his weenie a.s.s.

Answer 4

HI,

I can understand how you feel. My ex husband pulled the same bit on me. The big difference being he had never attempted suicide so.....

You can't accept responsibility for the choices other people make, so PLEASE don't do that to yourself.

Best advice I can give up would be to look up the phone number for a local mental health clinic or hotline.
Write them down on a piece of paper.
The next time he tells you he's going to commit suicide, hand him the paper, tell him you think he should call and speak to a professional but whatever he chooses to do, YOU are not going to take the responsibility. It is HIS life and HE must do whatever he thinks best, although you would like him to seek help.

Then walk away and don't look back.

If he is depressed and suicidal there is nothing you can do but tell him to get some professional help.

You have to move on with your life.

If he should commit suicide you have to realize it has nothing to do with you. And if you can't get your mind and heart to accept that, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to go talk to someone yourself.

Please don't let him destroy your life.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

I think you need to talk to someone that is a professional. If you do call his bluff he could take you and himself out. My cousin had a boyfriend that took his life over the same thing. She was just tired and just couldn't take it anymore. She lived in fear that he would come after her that it took over her life. I think you really need to talk to a hospital person and if he doesn't have any family act as is family and have him committed again. Now if you can move and don't leave a forwarding address that is something you might want to do. I just really want you to take steps to protect yourself. Just her a year ago a man walked into his ex wife work and poured gas all over her and set her on fire. He then just watched her until people had the courage to try to put her out. She pulled through but without giving part of her away. You need to start preparing yourself for this and just tell yourself that you done everything you can to get him help. So when you get the call that he has done it you can tell yourself I did everything I can to help him. Just remember some people we can't fix so we have to just turn them over to the lord. I will pray for you and you pray for yourself.

Answer 6

Just tell him that if he is stupid enough to kill himself over a woman, any woman than you were smart to make the decision that you did and break it off with him. I had one that threatened suicide too and that is what I told him. It let him know 2 things. First, that I was not falling for the ploy. Second, that it made him look worse in my eyes for even considering it. He was trying to get me back so he dropped the whole suicide thing because he was trying to impress me and that would not impress me. It worked and I was able to ignore him and move on. He too moved on and is alive and well and now married to someone.

Answer 7

you can spend the rest of your life trying to appease a mentally ill man who is manipulating you like this. Keep records of his threats, record them if possible.
when he pulls it again, call the PD/911 and tell them he is threatening suicide if you leave and tell them he has a mental health record with severe depression problems.
*If you can, tell them you have it written/recorded and has been ongoing.

In general, talkers dot do it. My uncle and half-bro killed themselves but they didn't talk about it. My mom, sis, and I talk alot about it b/c we really do feel it, but don't do it.

My mom is in the middle, she talked quite a bit and is borderline whether she'll do when papa dies.

Anyways if you live for another decade for him so he doesn't do what most likely he won't do...then you're basically committing emotional/life/happiness suicide but slowly...

Maybe if he gets hospitalized they'll help set him up in a house with others so he doesn't have to be alone. Then they help him get a roommate, maybe he finds a new love? We have agencies here that help with that.

Answer 8

Call the police the next time he threatens suicide. They'll take him in for observation and he'll be offered help. The rest is in his hands. You can't control him, and you can't be responsible for him. I dated a guy who used to do the same thing. I was miserable trying to get out of the relationship. I called the police when he threatened suicide and lo and behold, he never did it again. Interestingly enough, he's still alive.

Answer 9

Your ex needs medical treatment for depression. By "being there for him", you are meeting your own need to be a "good person"--not his need to get help. You are putting a band-aid on his very serious mental health issue.

I think maybe a mantra might be a good idea for you.

I am not a resource for this unfortunate person. I cannot help him. Only a doctor can. I care about him, and that is why I cannot get between him and the medical help he needs.

I am not a resource for this unfortunate person. I cannot help him. Only a doctor can. I care about him, and that is why I cannot get between him and the medical help he needs.

I am not a resource for this unfortunate person. I cannot help him. Only a doctor can. I care about him, and that is why I cannot get between him and the medical help he needs.

Answer 10

So are you prepared to live the rest of your life as his emotional hostage?

It is a sad story, but you are not responsible for his well being. He is. If he is blaming you for his depression, then you need to tell him that he needs to seek professional help.

I pray he doesn't do anything drastic, but even if he does, it is not your fault. You have the right to live the rest of your life pursuing a more stable relationship, if that is your desire.

I wish you well.