Now she's pregnant!!?

Question

Please read my previous question for the background.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ai2WlEPEMSr1Z5wuQLuOkpXty6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071112133501AAWZH1K

My friend turned up preggo last week - a blood test at her gyno, so we know it's legit.

She told the MM (Married Man) about this, and he didn't really seem to have much of a reaction. He went with her to a Dr. appt. (her idea - to make it more 'real' for him, as it hadn't really sunk in yet), and now he is encouraging her to get an abortion. She is on the fence about this decision, and I am trying to help her make a good choice, but no resolutions yet.

The weird thing, is that MM told his wife about this, and SHE DOESN'T CARE. Not at all. She was very nonchalant about the whole thing.

I am so confused! I am trying to be my friend's support system through this time, so I am trying to get my head around it. How could his wife just have to reaction? I don't get it.

How can I be the best help to my friend now?

I told her I thought the best thing would be to end it with him, so that whatever decisions she winds up making will be for HER true motivations, for the greater good of her and the baby. I think he would just cloud her judgment right now, since he is NOT a standup guy, and won't be of any help, just a hinderance and a distraction.

Answer 1

I think what you said in your additional details here is the best advice. She should end it with him, but she should also sue him for child support (provided she has the baby). Many women don't want to do this because they say they want nothing from the man, but it's owed to the child, not to the mother, and it continues until they are 18. If she doesn't want to take anything from him, she should still do it for her child and put the money directly into a savings account for when the child turns 18. Are you sure that MM actually told his wife? He could just be making that up to down play the impact on his life while he's trying to get her to have an abortion.

Answer 2

what you have told her is probably the best advice you can give her, have you gone through with her reaons to keep the baby and reasons to get an abortion, if her reason to get an abortion is just because the MM wants her to then its not for the right reasons.
The wife not bothered though i sure would be bothered so they mut not have a very close relationship any more.
All you can really do is make sure your friend knows your there for her no matter what decision she makes. Make sure your friend knows how life changing an event it is even if she decides to get an abortion it will be will her forever just as having the child would. you seem to already being doing the best by your friend- making sure she makes the decision based upon what is best for herself and the un born child apart from that there aint much you can do

Answer 3

Holy Hannah. I read your last question
and the advice you chose as best
was indeed great.

If you followed that and she went ahead
and stayed with this man despite the
reality of the situation...how much more
is it going to take for her to realize that
she is doing something that could psychologically
damage her?

She doesn't seem to be listening to you
so much and it seems that what you're
trying to do is just make sure she doesn't
ruin her life.

If anything, I think you should find out her
intentions with this man. Does she want
to keep the baby and raise it on her own?
Because how long will this man stick around
and would he even help her support it?
I could see that if he's still with her and his
wife doesn't care, that maybe he'd stay
around and support her just until he got
bored of her and found some other girls
to screw around with. If she doesn't want
this baby, I don't think she should get an
abortion. I'm not for it, but I'm not against it
either...but this girl's got to get her priorities
straight. If she doesn't want to the kid, I think
she should give it up for adoption if she
doesn't want it.

You seem to be a good person and you
seem to really care for your friend. I'm curious
to know if this is emotionally straining and
exhausting you. This shouldn't be your burden
or your problem, but you've got integrity and
loyalty in your blood.

So to try and sum this up:
Find out your friends intentions, give her
scenarios of her choices with this man and
this baby, and try to get her to back out of
life in general with this married man.

He and his wife obviously have a very
promiscuous lifestyle, but how long can
your friend keep it up? She seems young
(but I could be wrong) and she's going
along doing things that could break her
down.

I hope things work out for the best,
especially in YOUR book.

~

Answer 4

his wife maybe used to his cheating, or is shock, or doesn't care, or he's lying about telling her so his mistress don't confront her and wife rips his nuts off.

Look your friend must have had an idea what she was getting involved in when she stayed in a relationship with a married man. It serves her right whatever crap she's goes through.

If she has the baby, have her sue his for child support or put the baby up for adoption to a better home. I assure you this guy isn't going to be a good married husband lover or father. The fun with her is over, he just wanted some putang away from the boredom and responsibility of hsi marriage.
Now your friend isn't his funscrew but is bringing on responsibility for this baby, so I'm sure ehll find a smarter, younger, hotter girl and make sure she is on the cancer causing birth control pill/patch

Answer 5

First of all, how can you be sure that the MM told his wife? He may be just telling your friend his wife already knows, so that way she doesn't show up on his doorstep screaming and crying the entire story to his wife and whomever else may be available to listen.

If your friend is going to have this baby, she needs to do so knowing that she will not be able to count on him for anything. I think this man just went along to the appointment with her in order to keep her calm and rational so she doesn't go and blow his cover with the wife---I'm serious! How can either one of you believe that what he says is the truth when he's a cheat to begin with?

There is a fine line between being someone's dear friend, and taking on their burdens and issues. Be there for her, listen to her, give her advice if asked, but don't get yourself sick over something that really is not your problem. It's the best thing you can do, trust me! Good luck to you, you seem like a really caring person.

Answer 6

Your right to stand by your friend through this and to not get a reaction from the wife (well not uncommon). My is probably fed up with hubby and it may not have been the first time he cheated. The wife aside from all of this your friend needs to make the best decisson for herself. What I mean is... is she ready to be a mother...can she raise a child both financially and emotionally by herself (even if there are people arround to help her she needs to assume it will be by herself.)
She also needs to think about the future..there are alot of great guys who are more than willing to except a ready made family and many who are not. But either way she will have to deal with the married man. Hopefully these things help in waying out the descision but have her make it for her...

Answer 7

I agree with Chelsea and Lisa D. All you can do is keep being there for her. The decision she makes will affect the rest of her life either way and she needs to make sure it is the right one for her. I do not believe that the wife did not care. I would bet he is telling her that to keep her from telling the wife. If she has the baby she will more than likely be a single mother and raise the baby alone. If she does this I would make sure that he has to support the baby. He helped to make it. She is going to need you, just be there for her.

Answer 8

Sounds like you are a good friend with great advise!! Not usre HOW his wife is just perfectly fine with it?? That just doesn't sound right?! Maybe he just told your friend that so she would never "threaten to tell her". She needs to dump the MM, and decide how she is going to handle being a single Mom. I hope she is smart enough to get Child support from MM. His wife really may know when that request come in the mail.

Answer 9

I have a hard time believing that the wife was nonchalant about the whole thing...is this coming from the mouth of the MM? His wife's reaction? If so don't believe it, I would tell your girfriend to leave him alone, be more careful about who she shares her bed with and the decision to have an abortion is up to her. No one can make that decision..for the record if he wanted to be with your girlfriend he would have divorced his wife to be with her.

Answer 10

THIS is a lesson to learn when having unprotected sex AND messing with married men..DONT DO IT! The wifey was most likely non-chalant because this is not unusual for her. THis man is most likely THE biggest cheater around and she doesnt care because he isnt going anywhere and she could care less what he does as long as he pays the bills. Yes, your friend should dump him and expect nothing from him if she keeps the baby. Sure she can get child support but thats the ONLY support she may get from this loser. Hopefully she learned her much needed to learn lesson.