My mother in law arranged my marriage with her son. After I got married she started scheming and plotting againest me, instead of helping me to adjust in the new family, she started pointing out my flaws to her son and husband. My relationship with her son was doomed from the beginning! her son used to say talk to my mother and not to me! It seemed he was not even interested in getting married! She started demanding dowry from me? I fail to understand why did she get me married in the first place if she didnt like me? Now i have a daughter and I have left my husband because he used to come home drunk and shout at me (goaded by her). We sing praises of the indian family values but I feel in this aspect its all rotten inside! Is this arranged marriage system made to torture the girls? I am at my wits end! what do I do? she has literally ruined my marriage! now she says she wants to get her son married again! probably searching for another golden goose! i want to teach them a lesson!
2007-11-25 05:23:09 · 25 answers · asked by pari 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You were smart to get out. Your mother in law is a toxic person and probably treated you the way she was treated which is a real shame. Maybe she had good intentions to start when she arranged your marriage but her insecurities took over when she saw that maybe her son could care for you and thought she might lose him.She sounds like a very insecure person on a power trip, sucking the life out of anyone who may threaten her authority or infringe on her territory or possessions(her son). Until your husband cuts the apron string with his mom, there is always going to be conflict with which ever girl he ends up with. That is unless they stick up for themselves, ignore the meaness, get away from the control zone and somehow earn mother in laws respect. Yeah but would it be worth it to put in so much effort? If you want to somehow help her become a more kindhearted person than continue to be nice but at a distance so that your child doesnt also get contaminated by her hatred. Enjoy your life and freedom with your daughter and your happiness will be the best kind of revenge towards her. Get some child support too. He sounds like a spineless victim but unfortunately is your daughter's dad so that you cannot change. Choosing to get out was a brave step in the right direction, keep going. You are the master and controller of your life.
2007-11-25 06:09:17 · answer #1 · answered by GisL4all 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not just in India LOL Mother in laws keep wanting everything to be exactly the way they want it to be and if it isn't they will cause stress sometimes to hopefully change it.
Doesn't mean you are not adequate. Arranged marriages are also not always accepted by the people in them but due to tradition they respect and follow through with it.
If may be better that you got out of the relationship if he was allowing his mom to control him so much. In America we consider that not being man enough to speak up and say "Mother, this is who and what I want so back off." I'm not saying we are perfect but we have no problem with telling family what we think LOL.
I think that teaching them a lesson sounds like revenge and in any of the spiritual teachings of India Buddhism, Hinduism etc. I don't think revenge is a way to go. You might have an even sweeter revenge finding a more suitable mate :)
HE'D HATE THAT! Especially if he was wealthy and kind.
2007-11-25 05:39:05 · answer #2 · answered by Sunstreak 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you're being very unfair, and insulting to Indian women/families in general. It's not right to assume that everyone of any nationality is the same way, simply because you've had a bad experience.
I'm not sure if you're of the same culture as they are, but I think it's fairly obvious that you knew ahead of time, what you were getting yourself into. You knew it was an arranged marriage.. with a man who showed no interest in the union from the beginning. I'm sorry, but how else did you expect things to turn out?
As for your Mother-In-Law situation, I think the main problem is that you married into a family, where they practice things a certain way.. a way that is different from your own. The whole union (not just the marriage, but the family relationships in general) was doomed from the get-go.
Instead of trying to find ways to "teach them a lesson", why don't you just take it as a lesson learned, and move on with your life.
Take care.
2007-11-25 06:21:18 · answer #3 · answered by arkiegirl 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Not all Indian Mother in laws are mean....that is the same as saying all blonde's are dumb, all black people steal, all Mexicans are illegals, white people can't dance (need I go on).
Arranged marriages can work. (I had one) You grow to love one another each day and both have to take effort.
You do not have to take abuse in any form. If you "need" to move on with your life, do so. Totally cute them off and start your life anew. Spending your time and energy searching for revenge (teaching them a lesson) is beneath you. They cause enough misery on their own for themselves. You do not want to teach this to your daughter. Leave, don't look back. Get child support teach your daughter the proper way of doing things. Their will be a good mate for you.
2007-11-25 05:33:57 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
In that culture, the "momma's boy" has big problems. There is a very co-dependent Oedipal thing happening there. No one will ever be good enough for her boy because she cannot have him. Sort of major therapy, he will only have a marriage to a very insecure and totally subordinate kind of woman. The mother may also be jealous - perhaps her mother in law was cruel, so she wants you to suffer at least as much as she did - and probably more, since we sometimes tend to think we suffered more than we did as we look back on it. But if he is drinking and abusing you even just verbally, you did need to get out of there.
Teaching them a lesson? They are already in their own little hell, there is no reason to waste anothe minute of your life obsessing about it. I know it was really intense and broke your faith in marriage for a time, but you will heal. You need to move on. If they want you to sign off on anything, be sure they are also signing off on you having full custody of your child - there is no reason for them to have rights, they want another woman! Use a good lawyer.
2007-11-25 05:38:02 · answer #5 · answered by Amy R 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Perhaps the best lesson you can teach is with your example. If you don't like this kind of perverted family values, then choose family values from another culture.
This rebellion against perverted values is what led many Indian people to convert to other religions including Islam, Sikhism, and Christianity. And at the present time, many asian women from various countries seek husbands in Europe and in USA through the internet. There is nothing to stop you from doing that too.
2007-11-25 05:33:55 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
She is acting in a way that is culturally traditional for her. You need to keep pointing out that it is not that way in this country. If she does not offer you what she offers her son, your husband, you sweetly tell her that is considered very rude in the US. Each time she does something like that you just smile and tell her that she is disrespecting you in YOUR own home. IF she does not speak to you, ignore her and be happy she has shut her mouth for awhile. Give her back what she gives you. Talk to your father in law if you want and if she interrupts with her nonsense, just tell her that women are free in this country and she should not be interrupting when you are talking. Fight fire with fire and be happy your husband is supportive of you. When you call her on her bad behavior in front of everyone just as she is doing to you. I bet she will stop it, or she will be so mad she will never speak again. Good deal.
2016-05-25 08:10:48 · answer #7 · answered by sheryl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i understand what u are going through. i'm paki. and it's the same thing with family with us. we just bought a huge house and people are being so mean and relatives secretly plot against us but are "nice" to us face to face but say clever insults as well. my own grandma is being such a jerk (she lives with us) and she keep stelling relatives how mean we are to her even though we try our best!!!
my advice to you is to divorce him and try to get full custody of your child by convincing the jury and judge that he comes home drunk and is a horrible father. (he can come to visit sometimes and has to support your kid as well)
now with your in law and husband problem, start spreading the truth about them and act like the really hurt wife who's husband is a jerk. tell them he comes home drunk all the time. make your in law look like a b*****. but make sure to ACT like the innocent girl. (i know u are innocent but to act it all the time is best)
make sure that this news goes around to make their family look really bad.
and if he DOES find a future wife then make sure to "accidently" run into her (or actually take the time to find her and talk to her) and tell her how bad her husband and her future in law is going to be.
this way you'll come out with dignity and he'll live a bad life :)
i kno revenge is wrong but this isn't revenge, it's getting waht YOU deserve. after all you're the innocent one.
i totally know what you're going through. my life kinda cuks right now as well
2007-11-25 05:35:17 · answer #8 · answered by blnrejyk 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
India is not only the source of much of our culture, it's also the source of all our mother-in-law jokes. My best friend from high school married an Indian guy, and it's been nothing but mother-in-law sketchiness since. She told me that it forced her to stand up for herself, claim her space, and not to take any ****. The transition from a girl to a woman. Which is what marriage is supposed to be anyway, no?
2007-11-25 05:29:30 · answer #9 · answered by goldblum 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Your mistake was marrying him.
Embrace your daughter, she's life, she's amazing.
But you SHOULD have married him because you were in love with him.
His mother's evil. End of story. Get away from them. Stay away from them. Forget them. Find true love, and if that's not what your life has to offer you, just focus on your child.
I wish you the best.
Some traditions are too old to follow,
such as this disgusting Indian marriage thing,
something similar happened to my friends sister.
2007-11-25 05:27:51 · answer #10 · answered by ? 2 · 4⤊ 2⤋