how would you handle this, if this came from your child?

Question

i told my 10 year old daughter to clean her room, she comes out about 20 minutes later and asks if she can take a break i go look and not one thing has been cleaned so i tell her get something to eat and while she is at it grab me a water..so she says the only reason i hate her and make her clean is because she is black...well it pissed me off, number one she is not black , number 2 joking or not i did not find it funny..and number 3 it frankly shocked me into silence which makes me madder..so how to handle this or am i being too harsh?

my point is she is associating cleaning with being black and makes me mad...i have no idea where she learned this, and i did talk to her and she said she was being funny, i didnt.....regardless what color she thinks she is shehas to clean her room its the comment that made me mad

LG i agree, before i came on here to ask opinions i sat her down and had a talk with her, i told her color was not an issue in work, chores , or responsablities i asked her where she heard it and she started crying, she said at school , her room is now clean and she can not watch tv for a week but instead has to read Queenie....anyway i just wondering if i over reacted given the fact i am an adult and she is only 10.

heather, goes to show with people like you..number one i do not drink nor have i ever drank. if you knew me youw ould know that or if you bothered to ask, number two what i say on here ina joking manner has nothing t do with the way i raise my children, third seeing as i have five children three tin their teens who are drug and alcohol free, never been in trouble and all five have straightA's i imagine you basing an opinion on my parenting skills over yahoo answers profile shows what kind of ditz you truly are.....you missed the point...the race card has never been used in my house, after 17 years of raising kids to have one use it was shocking.....the question was did i over react to a childs sense of humor not what kind of parent you think i am...

Answer 1

i'd say "hey cracker get back in your room and start cleaning"
just kidding.
i don't think you over reacted at all. I have a 10 year old son who's been playing the drama card on me a lot lately when i ask him to start being responsible. He thinks I'm a horrible mom because kids should be having fun not being my "slave". (my slave meaning, him picking up HIS stuff, and rinsing off HIS plate after dinner and letting HIS dog out to go potty) i'm rotten aren't I?
I think you handled it very well becuz my smart asss probably would have told him to get back in there and not come out till the carpeted floor shined, and when he was done he could start on my room if he wanted to learn about slavery!

Answer 2

Stick by your guns. Make her finish cleaning her room - without any more breaks; tell her she has to show she's done some substantial work before she's entitled to a break.

Then tell her you found her color reference offensive and are adding a punishment so it doesn't happen again, that you're still thinking about what punishment would appropriate and ask her what SHE thinks would be an appropriate punishment. That will give you some insight into where her thinking is straying. I'd deprive her for a couple of day of access to some particularly favorite possession or withdraw an approval I'd given for her to attend some upcoming event. Or require her to write you a 500 word essay on why her comment was inappropriate.

You have to start standing firm now (if you haven't already), because otherwise it will only get worse as she approaches and enters her teens. You may want to start taking a closer look at her friends and their values and impose some limits there as well.

It's never too early to try to shape a child's opinions, and making a big thing out of this will impress upon her the importance of tolerance and the right you have to expect teamwork within our family. You might suggest that she take on all of Your jobs for one day and then decide whether she's getting a raw deal.

Answer 3

You have 2 issues here....

1. Disrespect towards you, the mom

2. Unacceptable comments related to what she said about being black.


How to deal?

1. In my house, we have a zero tolerance policy towards disrespecting ANYONE.... if she were my daughter ( I have a 9 year old, almost 10, ) the punishment would be to take away her favorite past time for a week, Webkins.

2. The racist commentary. I don't think your daughter is a racist. This is learned behavior, not inborn. She probably hears it from friends, or friends of friends. This is not something I would punish my daughter over, at least not at first. I would however, have a very long, heart to heart discussion about race, religion & the differences between people...

I always tell my daughters that we humans are black, white, brown, yellow, etc.... but we all bleed the same color, red.. and we are all equal.

Lots of luck to you!

Answer 4

In my house, we have choices.

I don't tell my kids what to do, I give them two choices. I just make sure that the one I want them to choose is the more appealing of the two.

As for cleaning up, you have a choice. You can clean up your room, or I can clean up your room. If I clean up your room, it will be with a garbage bag.

You'd be amazed how wearing the same outfit to school for a week because it's the only clothes left gets a child's attention. Just make sure you give things back ONE thing at a time, over a long period, so they don't think, "I'll just wait it out". It also makes Christmas shopping really cheap!

As for the hateful remarks, I pretend I don't hear them, and go about what I was doing. Then, when they lose steam, I ask calmly, "Did it work? Did it get what you wanted?" Once they understood, all I had to do was ask "What?" and they change their tune instantly. (It's fun to watch.)

Answer 5

She is to young to know the context of what she said and most likely she heard it on TV somewhere cause as we all know TV has changed and sometimes even shows for kids can have some risque context. I think you should sit her down and explain that those comments are not nice and that she should never use a persons skin color or any other difference from her as a joke. Good Luck

Answer 6

Little girls (and boys) should clean their rooms or lose privileges. Your 10 yo found a way to get under your skin. If you let her, she will continue to pull that stuff.

The first issue is the cleaning of the room. She needs to do that or lose privileges.

The second is her comment. You need to sit her down and tell her that it was inappropriate and why it was inappropriate (remember, she's 10, you need to keep it short and sweet).

She's testing the waters and needs to find out that it's too hot for her. If there is an 'or else' from you and she does it anyway, make sure the 'or else' happens. There has to be consistent consequences for actions.

Answer 7

Hon, she 'appears' to have a note of humorous intent, but cannot judge for my NOT hearing the tone it was stated in.
I might reply, jokingly, "If you WERE black and it was 150 years ago, you'd know what it's like to be a slave! If you want to live like a slob AND a slave, maybe we can put you in a little dirt-floored unheated hut, with no running water, tv, vid games and all your other lovely possesssions! Now, Get after it!"... and say it with a hint of humor.

A side note: Have I leapt into the WRONG category? Just WHERE did all these intelligent answers come from???

Answer 8

Personally,I think you did the right thing by having her admit where she learned that,and by taking away a privilage for a week.Thats what I used to do(my kids are 19 and 22).

Shes entering those lovely tween years,and shes going to try and see how far she can go.Lucky for her,you are a smart parent and will realize this.
I know parents that would either laugh with their child(due to parent ignorance) or the ones that beat their kids.

Answer 9

Ewwwwww...She would clean her room and then she would do some lengthy research and writing on african american history, she would be grounded from phone and computer, friends-everything until i was satisfied that she got the picture. Then she'd be grounded for a week for being disrespectful and insubordinate. My kids have along leash but I have a ZERO tolerance for disrespect and consider any ignorant remark that comes from their mouths a reflection of poor parenting...Oh and something else I do when my kids are on punishment I only serve them cheese sandwiches, apples, and water...I think the thought of losing teh priviledge of abundant processed foods works way better than teh actual grounding....good luck

Answer 10

I would sit have sit in the bedroom and grabbed a book. I would have stayed on the bed reading until she was done. It's a shame society has to take the innocence out of children and poison them with hate. She is 10 and able to understand so I think everything you chose to do is correct.