I want to be married and he doesn't?

Question

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years. We have lived together for 3 or a little more years. For the most part we are pretty happy. We have our problems but they are probably for the most part just the normal problems in any relationship. (you know like he doesn't do anything around the house and I don't drive the car like he thinks I should) very minor. All and all we are meant to be I'm not going any where and neither is he. I told him when I moved in that my goal in life is to be married and he said that we would look into it more as time goes on after we saw how our relationship worked out. And I agreed. now after all this time he says that he doesn't beleive in marriage. His parents had a terrible relationship and he basis alot of it on that. but he said he wants us to be together forever he even put me as his beneficiary on everything. I just want us to be married it is important my two kids even consider him as their father what can i do to change his mind?

to everyone that thinks my children are being put threw drama or what not. nothing could be further from the truth the kids love him and he loves them. he admits that he had reservations in the beginning but he does so much for them and treats them no differently then his own child that I except unconditionally as well so we are on an even playing field as far as the kids go. Without giving out any background info my kids are in SUCH A BETTER PLACE with out their natural father in their life no one knows how much better. they couldn't have asked for a better replacement

and no i'm not being used he never goes out w/out me by his choice not mine he's not out catting around in fact when he's with his friends he calls me after a while to come too he wants me to be with him he respects me enough to want to be with me it is in no way forced we are just happy together and spending time with one another as partners and friends is important to both of us

just so you know I told him that i wanted to be married and he in no way told me that he didn't beleive in marriage if he would have said that then we wouldn't be living together right now

Answer 1

Give him time don't rush him it will only push him away

Answer 2

ten questions for you to ask you-self then ask you-self why have you relinquished your dream of being married !! to be used or to be cherished.
I think you and your children should be cherished.
Good luck in your quest for true Love.

1. do you and your children feel safe & secure in this relationship.
2. Is there a "family" bond between you .
3. have you both shared the experiance of bad times & valued each others support.
4. do you have your own independance in this relationship which is equal to his.
5.do you set goal's / targets to develop the family i.e. larger home, childrens schooling, social events, family holidays,etc.
6. do you both get away for the weekend without the kid's, does he arrange supprise events.
7.Has he taken on board the love and trust your children have given to him.
8.forever together he say's? do you belive this if so why !!.
9.are you a convieneance for him ? good houskeeper, sexual partner, respectabillity amongst his peers.
10. does he have a single lifestyle out with his mates, independance..

in response to your updates .
There is no magic to convince a person to marry if it's not the desire of that person to marry, for whatever reason or past experience. I'm pleased you have many of the benefits of a good relationship, such a lot of quality there, 3 1/2 years of partnership many don't achieve what you have after 30 years. Now that magic, I fib! there is one such thing which breaks all preconception, beliefs and trauma against committing to marriage possibly in your situation Love !! Keep building a relationship on love as you both are and in time the fruit of love is commitment , I wish that for you.

Answer 3

"Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years. We have lived together for 3 or a little more years."

So you moved in within 6 months of dating?

"I told him when I moved in that my goal in life is to be married and he said that we would look into it more as time goes on after we saw how our relationship worked out. And I agreed. now after all this time he says that he doesn't beleive in marriage."

He's getting all the benefits of marriage without the messy legal entanglements. Why should he want to change the good thing he's got going?

If you want to be married, you're going to have to stop ACTING like you're married until you ARE.

That means if the legal marriage is that important to you, tell him either he legally marries you or you move out. If he wants you as a girlfriend and not wife, then you guys ACT like BF/GF (but not roommates).

Seriously - you should have seen this coming and not moved in with him in the first six months.

Answer 4

Honey that is a hard question to answer. You don't want to pressure someone into marriage, but I know you want to be a real family for your kids. I heard that when Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell were going to get married that their kids begged them not to. They were so happy living together that they didn't want to take the chance that they would mess it up. I don't think they have ever married. Maybe if you tell him how much you love him and that nothing would please you more than to marry him. If that doesn't work then you may just cut your loses and move on. Ask yourself this: is it better to live with someone that is good to me and the kids or take a chance on someone else that may not be?

Answer 5

I really hate to hear that, and I really do sympathize with your situation, so don't take this the wrong way...
My dear friend was in this same situation just a couple months ago, only she didn't have children. She moved in with her boyfriend after being together just a short time (a few months I think). They were together for a little over 2 years. In the beginning of the relationship they discussed marriage and children, but as time went on, that dwindled down to nothing. Eventually, it turned into more of a "roommate" situation than an actual relationship. She left him a couple weeks ago because she needed a commitment and he decided that he didn't.
The advice I gave her was this....
She moved in with him way too early. On things like that it's always best to take your time. Something I said that really clicked in her head was... "why would he want to go through the trouble of getting married if you guys are already living together?" More times than not, he wouldn't feel that he needs to, because he already has all the benefits, just not the "paperwork".
Obviously your man believes in marriage, because you guys discussed this earlier on in the relationship. If you truly believe in marriage and that's something you want (which most all of us gals do), I would say try your best to explain this to him and see how it goes. You deserve to have everything you want my dear, and if he truly loves you, then he should make that vow of commitment to you, but you can't force it. You can't make him want to marry you. He has to want that himself. Try to give him time. He may just be afraid it will turn out like his parents, you just have to show him it won't. Like I said though, if this is something you truly want, and he doesn't, you will be miserable if you stay in this just HOPING that he will change his mind.
Also, as for the kid situation, I think that's great. Hopefully you weren't/aren't the type of person to just bring them around anyone, but obviously he isn't just "anyone", you love him and live together. He sounds like a good man to me, especially taking on the responsibility of helping with your kids. I know from experience that's hard to find.
Best of luck dear

Answer 6

Nothing - nothing at all.

Tell him that, while you understand his needs, wishes, and goals you also have yours and the two aren't compatible. Tell him that you've begun to look for another place to live, you'll keep him informed of your progress, and you expect to be out of his home - and his life - by the end of next month or whatever.

Then do it.

That's the only way you'll ever reach your goal, because that's the only way you can find a man willing to marry you.

Answer 7

Why would you move your two kids in with a guy who isn't your husband?

I was going to suggest that you need to figure out how important marriage is to you, because this guy is telling you he ain't going there. But you are busy dragging your kids through this. What can you do? Screw up your kids anyway you work it.

Fact is most live in relationships fall apart within five years, especially if there are kids involved! Leave him now and mess up your kids with the trauma of separation. Separate from him later and mess up your kids with the trauma of separation.

Hey I know, you could leave him now because he won't marry you. Then he proposes, so you drag your kids back. Then he puts it off and you become resentful, probably leave again or get thrown out. Then heck you could move in with someone else. That way your kids get to optimize their trauma!

Answer 8

Nothing, why buy the cow when you can get the milk free? He has all the conveniences of a marriage without the piece of paper and he's pretty content with the way things are. You can try to change his mind or accept it. Good Luck!

Answer 9

OK let's see correct me if I am wrong.....
You love him
He loves you
Your kids love him like a dad
and he loves your kids like a dad
Right?
He happens to have a fear of marriage because of what he saw with his parents and you were aware of this before moving in with him.
What's the need on your part for a piece of paper that says that you're married?
How do you change his mind?
Maybe stop pressuring him and reassure him by action that you are committed to him for the long haul.

Answer 10

You can't. He is getting milk for free...why buy the cow (you know the old saying). But frankly I think its pretty irresponsible for you to bring children into an unknown situation like this.

I don't see the problem though. He wants to be with you forever and has sown it...what more could you want? I think you are asking too much from someone who never promised anything.

Answer 11

Hey Girl Let him go.I would hate for you to be like me. I WAS IN THE SAME BOAT FOR 15 YEARS.Now that the kids are grown and moved out she left. If you don't want heartache down the road I say send him down the road.Thats what I think about that.Life definitly is like a box of chocolates.