Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Question

We're in our early 20's and my boyfriend won't have sex with me. He says he doesn't want to have a kid and that not having sex is 100% the best birth control. He also has had a bad experience with sexual abuse recently. I don't know what to do because it doesn't turn me on when we do anything sexual (unless i'm doing it to him)--when it's my turm i feel like i'm getting a checkup at the gynocologist. I love him and won't leave him but i'm sexually frustrated. We've been together for a year. Am I selfish? Of course, I'll wait for him but he gets pissed when i bring it up. Any advice?

Answer 1

Stop bringing it up with him. You said he recently had a bad sexual abuse, this could be a big part of the reason for him. Give him time to come to terms with whatever happened and find a way to deal with it, therapy might be needed, perhaps for both of you. As far as the birth control issue, he's right, abstinence is the only guarantee, however, I can understand your frustration in the mean time. Try satisfying yourself when you need to, if it helps. You are not being selfish, you simply have a normal sex drive for your age, it will take a while for your boyfriend to recover from whatever happened to him, when he does, gently discuss these issues with him, but not until he's dealt with his issues. Again, therapy may be the best idea here for both of you.

Good luck and be patient, please, for both your sakes.

Answer 2

He should not get mad at you for having needs, and he should definitely see a psychiatrist about his abuse! He obviously has huge issues with sex.

Tell him you will get an abortion if you fall pregnant. Anyway you won't if you use two types of contraceptive. Go on the pill if you aren't already when you start having sex, and make him wear a condom every time.

I would probably just leave him, especially if HE had the nerve to get mad at me for asking him for sex when he should be providing it for me anyway.

I wouldn't wait, unless he agreed to go to a counsellor. He may have an issue with abuse, but that's no excuse for treating other people badly! (I have been abused too, although not sexually, and it is NO EXCUSE to be nasty to someone innocent. I've had black eye for a week, but it's not like I'd go around hitting other people, he has no right to use this as an excuse to treat you with such disrespect!).

You deserve better, please make sure he gets help so that you both have the good relationship you deserve, and if he gets mad at you when you bring it up, tell him to piss off because that is totally unfair.

I also suggest talking to him, maybe show him your question? He needs to know exactly how you feel and he needs to do it without chucking a hissy fit because your emotions do not exactly coincide with his. He is just being completely immature. IMO, If you aren't prepared for sex and physical intimacy, you should not be in a relationship.

Answer 3

I have the same type of problem... I'm a lot younger than you though... and my boyfriend is much older than me.. He kids around about having sex and stuff but when it comes down to actually doing it he like just stops.. he won't go all the way even though we get like right there where that's the next step.. it sucks =[ can't really help ya here.. let me know if you figure something out.

Answer 4

Be glad that he is a very rare person that does not just want to have sex with you. Pretty great. Wait until you two are married.
For now, work on the issues of long term importance, of course sex is long-term also, but can wait for now , like him getting counseling for the abuse so he can work past it. You need counseling for sexual frustration maybe if you can't forget sex for now.
Pray alot.

Answer 5

You either have to deal with his celibacy or let him go. Unresolved issues from the past may haunt him for a very long time. It sounds like he needs to speak to a professional concerning those issues. Stop pressuring him to have sex and talk to him about getting help to overcome the real issues he is having problems with intimacy.

Answer 6

If you love him, you will be there for him. He shouldnt get pissed when you bring it up. He is your boyfriend and communication is important. You have to understand the situation to accept it. I understand what he is saying but maybe you can talk to him about other forms of birth control or take him with you to the gyno. so a doctor can talk to him.

Answer 7

...And I thought I'm the only one having this problem...I know what you mean and you have the right to be frustrated....he actually let the past ruin your future...your future together....and he is being selfish because he trapped you and wont do nothing about it...

I don't know...I left him...it hurts I feel pretty sensitive and sad...but I need to move on...plus he had the nerve to manipulate and lie to me saying that he is not avoiding intimacy...but I'm not ready....can you believe this...?

I'm not saying for you to do the same to leave him...but you need to ask yourself do you love him enough...and how patient you are...for waiting for him to recover...and will he recover, is he willing to recover...?

Does he realise that you are innocent about all this and being selfish??? Does he realise that if he wont do something about it he might lose you???

Damn!

Good luck my yahoo friend....I will pray for both of us to find our true happiness...

Answer 8

Ok you have 2 things to do:

1) either ask him if you can have sex with other people

OR

2) Tie him to the bed and have sex with him anyways

Answer 9

Hmmm have you gain weight recently? Or did you get hit with an ugly stick?

Or maybe he is just depressed.

Answer 10

as much as i hate to tell you this , you need to be told. go get laid by the first guy you see . get the sexual tension relieved now or you'll just drive your man away . if you want to stay with him , then you need to step out on him from time to time.