Should you stay in a sexless marriage for the kids sake & if so is it okay to have an affair?

Question

I am asking for ....a friend , yeah thats it a friend

Say the friend is in a long term marriage that has gone sour. His wife stopped having sex with him 10 yrs ago but manages to squeeze in a 1-night stand herself every 6 months or so. The kids are 11, 13 & grown

statistics say that children from broken homes have an increased risk of abuse so my friend doesn't want to put them at risk

Should he stay? How long? or until how old? Should he pursue meaningless affairs to sooth his manly lusts?

My friends wife refuses to attend any type of coupels therapy and has backed out of several appointments. My friend has attended some of this couples counseling sessions without her but feels taht further visits are futile as long as she refuses to participate

Answer 1

What's good for the goose is good for the gander...or vice versa. If you're SURE that she's having one night stands every 6 months or so, then I would tell "your friend" to do the same thing. There should be some sort of agreement between "the couple" however to make sure that they understand each other. Because I think legally, "he" might be able to file for divorce...but he hasn't. If she catches HIM having one night stands, she can file for divorce and seek full custody of the kids, which I'm sure "he" doesn't want.

Is there anything that can be done to save this relationship? What is the companionship like? "He" would need to find out what the wife would want in order to have sex with him again. What will it take? She needs to be asked specifically, because any answers that the rest of us can give won't make sense to your wife.

Or you just need to masturbate like crazy and know that that will be the nature of your relationship until you determine that the kids can handle it. Just another few years. If you've gone this long without sex in your marriage, why don't you think you can last another few years? Have you explored the world of porn, magazines, and strippers yet?

I wouldn't give up if I were you.

UPDATE: If she's not willing to go through therapy, you can really benefit from it yourself. Just to give you a sense of self without letting it all get you down. It's relaly very helpful!!!

Answer 2

To me, it makes no sense to stay in a marriage where one is thinking about a meaningless affair, and needs to pursue his lustful path. Having an 'affair', will not make things better at this point. The children who are 11 and 13 most likely will not go off the edge should the parents separate or divorce. There are are plenty who have come from broken homes, unfortunately, but the love must stay intact for the children. Staying in a relationship for the sake of the children when a parent is thinking about seeking other means of satisfaction is not something which was thought through.

Answer 3

if you are just there for the sake of the kids and are not showing any love toward one another. what are you teach your kids. boy i dont know if that came out right. i guess it depends on what is most important. if your fighting all the time the kids dont feel secure. if your divorced , you might have other problems like financial or new boyfriends all the time. either way you have too work on makeing sure that the kids feel secure and that they grow up learning how to love. this is most important live well laugh often love much

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Answer 4

Is having affairs included in your moral values? One should never compromise your personal moral beliefs or you'll lose yourself.
Having one night stands shouldn't really be okay for any person married or not. How does that look the kids?
The person can be honest with themself, their wife and their kids by choosing an affair, not choosing one, or divorcing.
I would say that "the kids" are an excuse to have an affair and not do the right thing by getting out of an already bad situation.

Answer 5

Just leave...it's not fair to anybody to stay in a relationship for the kids' sake. they're already in a broken home. kids are very perceptive. and statistics don't mean a damn thing when it comes to real life. just leave. it's not worth anything to stay at this point.

Answer 6

I think the days of sacrificing oneself for the family are long gone, and there are other things to consider.

If you are unhappy with your marriage because of the lack of sex, or for any other reason, then it is probably spilling over into your behavior toward each other. Kids aren't daft....they can probably sense that it is not a happy union. There are worse things than dealing with divorce, and if every child of a broken home grew up to be an abuser then the majority of the population would be one.
Plus if you want to be a little selfish about it, you have an unfaithful wife, and you may be missing out on a happy life by staying with her. You will have to do what your conscience tells you is right, maybe some counseling would help you gain perspective.

Answer 7

No and no. Stay in the marriage if you goal is to teach your children that it's OK to be miserable and that cold relationships are normal. But there are no circumstances that make cheating right. Be a man and be honest, starting with yourself and do the right things in the right way. Everything else will come back to you.

Answer 8

It is not any better for the kids to stay in a home where the parents do not have a relationship and there is cheating. The kids are not blind and they know that there are problems. They see and hear more than you think they do. Do you think it is better for them to grow up and think that this is normal? Life if too short to be unhappy and I would get out. I would have done it long ago.

Answer 9

Should leave now if his spouse is cheating on him then the marriage is over she cares nothing for him and well if the affection gone then the marriage is gone. I think the kids are old enough for them to realize that mommy and daddy do not see eye to eye anymore and that theire marriage is DEAD.

Tell your friend time to leave find someone that will be in his life and that enjoys having him around and likes having a sex life with him.

Answer 10

I think your kids are a lot smarter than you give them credit for, and Im sure they can feel the unhappiness around them. I think they are old enough to understand that sometimes its better for certain people to just not be together. She doesnt want to go to counseling so obviously its not that important to her to save the marriage so it shouldnt be for you either. If you do choose to stay however, maybe its not right to have affairs, but sometimes you have to do things you would not normally do when you are put in situations you would not normally want to be put in!!! Maybe while doing that you will find the right woman for you!