How far is to far?

Question

My son has a friend who likes to snuggle up to me and acts very gay. He likes to rough house with me when my oldest is there. I never am alone with him because he is not my son and there are always people who are quick to yell and accuse.

Well, over the Thanksgiving break he stayed the night several times with my oldest son and all three boys, my son, his friend and my youngest son would all sit next to me on the couch while we were watching movies. It has gotten cold so my son's friend (who is 11 going on 12) snuggled up to me and I put my arm around him like I do my son and my hand was on his thigh.

He is really a sweet kid and I don't know if I am being paranoid or what, was that inappropriate? Did I overstep my boundaries with him?

I think he may be somewhat gay or bi and I don't want to give him the wrong idea and I don't want to do anything wrong. His father doesn't have much to do with him and his mom is remarried but his step-dad isn't very affectionate with him.

I am bisexual by the way and am married. My wife is there whenever he is there.

As far as the thigh, it was on the outer legg, not the inner. I guess I should make that a little more clear.

Answer 1

It seems like he is probably just a very affectionate young man. Nothing more, nothing less. With the broken family situation and Dad not too far in the picture, he is more than likely going to look for any man to give him some love and attention.

Do be careful and ensure that you are never alone. As for the situation, I would say that so long as your thoughts were in no way shape or form sexual, you are fine. People are always looking to point fingers, so just make extra efforts to be careful. In doing so, though, make sure that you do not distance yourself to the point of stopping the affection that this young, growing and attention starved young man needs to grow correctly. You may be the only male figure showing him any really attention or care! Looks to me like you have a great opportunity to really impact this young man's life in a great way!

Answer 2

Well, he is young, so there is a possibility he's just affectionate.

Then again, I knew younger than that. So maybe he has a man-crush on you.. what's he gonna do? He's 11. If he ever actually DOES anything to you, like kissing you, just pull him off in private and have a talk with him. He's young enough for an adult's words to sink into his head.

Don't worry about what you did; if you'd do that with your son, then obviously it's not like you're hitting on the kid.

Answer 3

I don't see anything wrong with everyone sitting on the couch, but why was your hand on his thigh?

You are right to never be alone with him, for your own protection. Chances are, though, he's just a lonely little guy who is affectionate...my 11 year old nephew still likes to twirl my hair (I'm 33).

Answer 4

Showing affection to a point is not inapprpriate. But I would refrain from touching him, just to make peoples mind at ease. Maybe he is seeking out a father figure, maybe something more. But to protect you as a grown up, you will need to make it clear (without accusing him of being gay) that you have your own boundaries. If he goes past your boundaries point it out to him and reinterate that you are not the person he needs to deal with. Have him talk to his parent. If you are ok with a youth being gay, then by all means be courteous,and support him because he is your sons friend, however watch yourself. some people can, and will, mistake kindness as a way to attack a child.

Answer 5

I'd recommend that you ask this on the children section.

You should talk to his step-dad. I know how you feel, sometimes I do that with my cousins (not the cuddling bit), I'd spend more time with them rather than my youngest sister.

I think that it's nice that you took him under your wing, but remember he's got a dad, and you already have three sons.

Answer 6

The child looks to be reaching out for male attention in his life. his father isn't around, and his step dad doesn't provide any attention or affection. At this early age he is seeking strong male role model.
Placing your arm around him, similar to your own child, is ok. This shows him that he is loved and accepted. I would watch your hand placement as to not give off any wrong signals to him or anyone else.
Open up to him, and allow him to talk to you. That way it gives him an outlet, and may head off miss-communication in the future.

Answer 7

I am not sure about the hand on the thigh. I agree with the first poster, never be alone with him. He does sound like he is starved for affection. Are you yourself gay? If so tread carefully with his affections, he is WAY to young to get involved with beyond what it is all ready. Good Luck!

Answer 8

He is not gay or bi!!!!!!!!! He just needs love and most likely your hand landed on his thigh by accident and u noticed it because you are a bit paranoid and that's normal but what you need to do is to tell his mom he needs love and attention.

Answer 9

Sounds totally normal. You said that you would do the same thing with your own son, so maybe you are just being overly paranoid.

Answer 10

I don't think that's going very far. You're just trying to be a fatherly figure, aren't you? I don't think the thigh means very much. I think it's alright so as long as you're not biting his ear and massaging his crotch. He's still young, possibly innocent, I don't it means anything.