help need advice, why am i this way and why dont i really have sympathy for my dad?

Question

only answer if you have the time with serious answers.

Well i actually i tell my self i shouldn’t because he doesn’t really need it and it doesn’t really help.
well two years ago my dad was caught having an affair and when my mum found out the first thing he did was start fake crying to get my sympathy and make her feel bad about what she was accusing him of.
he really played and toyed with my emotions and pretty much anyone in the family who spent time with him and he was really making life hell for my mum and I also went through a lot of stress because i was trying to finish at uni.
He has also been extremely selfish….
but he didn’t want to leave my mum when she told him to get out of her life because of the mess he was creating and the lady he was seeing was 4 years older than me and a beautician at a salon, he also bought her a house and took her on holiday, this was easy for my dad to do because he travels a lot for his own business. anyways i graduate in fashion

and am now doing work experience at liberty of london, my dad has never really been happy about me working or bettering myself in that way and it really hurt me and effected me emotionally, until I really felt like his opinions aren’t for my best, he doesn’t know what I want or what’s best for me and it didn’t really matter any more.
He wasn’t supportive about me finishing uni, but he has always supported me financially, especially more now because he knows I actually get disappointed in him, and don’t care while before he was very stingy and controlling.
He also physically attacked my mum with a knife and she had small bruises but she continued to want to stay with him and its been 2-3 years now both of them are very friendly with each other, go on holiday and get on well. My dad left his business abroad and has moved here permanently, but he doesn’t make the same amount of money with the business here. (I know it doesn’t really matter) but he always looks for sympathy or something

Would these details help make any sense of anything (the situation). My mum has never worked in her life and she didn’t study after high school like my dad as well. They both had an arranged marriage when they were in there early twenties because they are Pakistani. My mum was always stressed with housework and doing paper work when my dad was gone to Pakistan where he had his business, he did spend most of the year there. My mum was depressed and used to get very angry at times and when my dad came to visit he didn’t want to go out much because he was stingy and put everything down to saving. He loves preaching religious crap a lot used to get patriotic even to the point it was upsetting and he is always telling my mum to do a lot of cooking..
Now I feel I don’t really have any traditional values because the time we spent was always bad, or crap because he was stingy, im not close to Asians because they were not on the course at college or uni. Im not close to my relatives because

the family has issues. I’m completely not religious and im waiting to start doing thing I want without any worries or concerns. My parents always brag about Pakistani pride and my background pride and heritage but they really have no clue that I find them senseless and its actually ridiculous to feel any of it because it isn’t there.

looking for your perspective / advice.

i mean i also dont really trust him and i couldnt care really because its for the best..
and i have had some good times with my dad when i was young but mostly like things that might count and the big thing is that he has supported me financially.

financial support from my dad is also part of a cultural thing.

geenofreak - they pulled a one in a million situation, they are very happy my dad takes my mum on holiday often, he does the housework now and than, buys her jewels and they are really happy, it does happen...
he now listens to her every single command and joke and laugh together a lot, its weird but they have minds which are very a like and they actually are eachothers best friends especially since my dad found that he couldnt trust anyone even his ex gf and he says my mum has done a lot for him...

who is giving everyone a thumbs down!!

Answer 1

I really only have a short answer for you. I don't think the emotional scars your dad caused you will ever leave. You have every right not to truly forgive him, but I can tell you still love him. That's what matters. I think the way you were raised made you the way you were, and you were a lucky one. Why? Because you took your life and made something out of it. Honestly, it sounds like you are very strong and intelligent. You did not want to have to go through what your mom went through so you worked hard and became a success. Don't beat yourself up for thinking that way. Especially now that you have control of your life.

Answer 2

Your father has behaved despicably, is a master manipulator, and doesn't appear to have a conscience, certainly as far as your mother is concerned. He has zero respect for her, and your mom is out of her mind to have anything to do with that rat. I can only imagine what he did while he was in Pakistan 6 months a year (or whatever).
However, they are adults and will make their own choices. You, too, are an adult and as soon as you can get out of the financial ties (I understand how it's necessary right now) with your dad, move across the country. Better yet, a different COUNTRY. I realize it will really depend on where you find a job when you finish your internship.
Since you really aren't tied to the Asian community, it should be relatively easy to make the break-- at least, it'll be easier than watching your parents' sick relationship.
That stuff about "he's the only dad you'll ever had", -- who cares? I had one brother and one sister; they were the "only brother" and "only sister" I'd ever have, but as far as I'm concerned, I have no siblings. They are toxic people and I don't need that in my life. Same for your dad.
One more thing---PLEASE don't be a sucker and fall for a manipulative guy like your dad. It's easy to do, just because it's familiar.

Answer 3

What do you mean "why am is this way?" and "why dont i have sympathy for my dad". Your dad had an affair, he has been nasty and violent to your mum, he has helped you financially to make himself feel better (either because of his culture or because of guilt).

You havent done anything wrong(from what you have said here).

Pride?? I am sorry but if "Pride" is such a big thing in your parents life, then Why did your dad have an affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter? and Why is your mum still with him? You say that they are religious and their culture means a lot to them, and your dad not very happy about you going to uni, but your still there. They are not forbidding you to go, and i am assuming that they are not making you get an arranged marriage.

Why WOULD you feel sympathy for him? because he has less money? I cant see why you would want to.

Let them get on with it. They are still your mum and dad, but dont let them run your life for you, if your mum and are happy to give there marriage another go then good luck to them.

You obviously want to get a good job and better yourself. Talk to them, tell them how you feel, talk to them about what YOU want for YOU. I'm sorry but they cant come over all religious and cultural, spouting off about what they want for you, they are having enough trouble and stresses over their own lives. You are living here, a democratic country and you just want to do what the majority of people do.

YOU concentrate on YOU, and I hope you achieve all what you want in life. Good luck.

Answer 4

At the end of the day, he will always be your dad, and you cant get another one, as the same as your mum, you cant change any of that, may be be thankfull for their support no matter how much you agree/disagree with the way they coduct their relationship..........my mum is dead, and i don't know where my dad is, and i regret both scenarios deeply..............
be thank full for whatever help you get............but these things are out of our control, but at least you have some one on your side and willing to help you out.........it dont matter what circumstances there are...............
put your self in my shoes, no mother, and no paternal input, where would you really be?, where you are now or claiming unemployment benefits...........be thankful for whatever mercies come your way.............my pennies worth!

Answer 5

Well, honestly dearie stay close to your family. I know it's bad right now, but your mom needs you more than anyting. Try to console her. Tell her to be careful with your dad, it could get serious. When it comes down to it your family will always be there for you no matter what. My dad, for example: he's not a nice man but no matter what he IS my dad. :( Follow your heart. It won't be the same anymore, but don't give up on your dad just yet. Hope that helps.

Answer 6

It sounds like a huge, confusing situation. Is there any way you can help your mother? It sounds like she has the worst of it. You're getting on with your life, but she's going to have a hard time with or without your toxic dad.

I think you should have a serious discussion with her about what to do about this. She's being abused and manipulated, and I doubt things'll get better. It's good that you recognize how bad things have gotten, and I hope it works out for you.

Answer 7

It seems that your mom and dad have resolved their differences --- but where does that leave you? No one seems to care about the damage caused to you. Your father helped you because it made HIM look good. So that wasn't very satisfying.

I guess my point is that after all this dust has settled, your parents want to make it look like it's all perfect now, but you don't feel sincere going along with it. And I don't blame you.

Answer 8

I understand why you don't have sympathy. I do think though that perhaps there are aspects of your parents relationship that no one (including you) can ever understand. I don't blame him for not being in Love with your mom any more, because you can't help who you love. I believe however that he should have left her Before he ever had any one else. Because of there background (where they are from and all) that arranged marriage is common, but divorce and affairs are taboo. I feel sorry for you mom, but your relationship with you father should be seperate from your parents relationship, for your sanity and theres.

Answer 9

i know the problem is cultural barriers and that is hard for a first generation who was not born in pakistani and that are being taught diffrently by schools and society for the parents to accept changes in the way the child is and accept the things the "child" wants to do. because of the old ways. they are still stuck in and this is "new" to him if you want to do this and it makes you happy then go for it, i know you do not trust him because of what he did to your mom but that is between them and if she can forgive him and things have changed and they are happy then that is on her. as long as they are happy then that is all that matters.
so if you want to better yourself then mor power to you. you are now grown and have to do for yourself you are not in pakistani anymore. good luck and hopefully you and your family can get thru this

Answer 10

You yourself can take deep pride in your heritage. I encourage even getting closer to it. Never abandon the heritage. Its unfortunate that your family preaches it but does not live it. You don't need approval from your mom and dad to live your life to its fullest potential. The only person you need permission from, is yourself. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? A quote from Marianne Williamson. I live by that EVERYDAY. All the best to you.