Is it really cheating while you are just dating?

Question

My new husband cheated on me with his ex wife a few months before we were married. It rocked the very core of everything I believed him to be. Never in a million years would I have thought he would have done this. I know some of you are thinking I was stupid to go ahead and marry him but I really do love him. In my mind, I was not the first woman who has experienced this and so many other women have gotten over it so I would be able to get over it to. Well here it is almost a year into our marriage and the trust issues are still present. He says he would never cheat on me and I should be over it by now because we were not married when it happened. What do you think?

Answer 1

If you want your marriage to suceed .. and be happy daily .. you are going to have to forgive him .. and forget it.
If you don't .. then you &he will be miserable for a lot. And it will probably affect your marriage in a bad way.

You can't unring a bell. It happened. You knew it before you married him. Now you are married to him. Give him a chance.

No person who marries, has the guarantee that their spouse will be faithful .. or if the marriage will even work.

So .. make yourself forget this. If he starts cheating again - sooner or later you will find out about it. But !! .. while you are together right now .. let this be the happiest time in the world for the two of you .. "make" it the happiest time. When you do make it happy .. that is the best defense against cheating in several ways. One .. is that he will not want to do it ... and if he ever does - he will remember the happiness & love.

Forgive him ,, let it go. Stop the misery. You can't do anything about it anyway. You can't go backwards ... and you cannot control what another person is going to do ... there is an old saying (which I cannot spell correctly) .. but it is ... "kay sarra, sarra" .. it means .. "what will be, will be". And that is true.

Say the "Serenity Prayer" ... which is.....

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Answer 2

What difference does it make now, You still married him??You really love him, but does he really love you? If the trust issues are still present I'm guessing there is more to the story. Trust is one of the top 5 most important ingredients you put into your foundation of your relationship. It doesn't matter if you were not married when it happened.

"If" I wanted to, I could have easily slept with my ex husband many times over because he wanted to. But, I've never allowed him to jump into my bed ever again, not even for old times sake. And he was already married.

If this is something that has been resolved and you just can't get over it then it's your problem, then you will have to work at getting over it. However, if there is more to the story then I do suggest counseling because this will be a problem in your marriage.

Answer 3

YES of course it's cheating even if you are "just dating"!!!! He's being an idiot if he thinks otherwise. Even when you are seriously dating, there is a COMMITMENT that you've made to a person and the fact that he could take that commitment so LIGHTLY is a problem. I'm not sure who these people are that you refer to who are just able to "get over it." Cheating is very, very hard to get over whether you're married or just dating. It's a horrible betrayal! I can't believe he'd do that when you were engaged and can't understand why you wouldn't trust him now! The fact that you haven't been able to get past it means this will continue to cause problems in your marriage unless you seek marriage counseling for it.

Answer 4

You married this man in spite of his transgression. To me, that says you really do love him. There are actually quite a few issues here, really. You say that by this time you "should be" over his having cheated. Please don't try to give yourself a timetable for recovery. Everyone deals with things differently and at different speeds. Although you were just dating when this occurred, it seriously damaged the trust you had in him, and trust is very difficult and very slow to be rebuilt. Consider that forgiving and forgetting are two very different things, and that while you may forgive--and clearly have, in fact--you haven't forgotten...and you may never. And that's actually okay, as long as you don't let it color your whole life. If you throw this up to him over and over in words, attitudes, or actions {be honest with yourself, here}, eventually both your feelings could change to the point that the relationship will destroy itself. If it sounds like I'm trying to make you the bad guy, that's not the case. He needs to not TELL you that he will never do it again, he needs to SHOW you. Saying that you should be over it by now is absolutely not a good thing to be saying, and you can tell him I said that! If occasionally something is said or done that makes you feel insecure, he should reassure you in both words and actions and not get impatient with you. You deserve this from him. If something occasionally makes you worry, what he deserves from you is a calm response such as "Something is making me feel insecure. Can you help me deal with it?" Then, talk. Both of you, don't be accusatory, don't raise your voices, don't try to hurt each other. Bottom line I guess, is keep love, not this one incident, at the core of your marriage. And while I detest sounding trite, what you've undoubtedly already been told is true: COMMUNICATE. Communicate with love, compassion and patience. Have a long, happy marriage.

Answer 5

It depends on your expectations and what you both agree to.

If you both knew the relationship was open (either of you could go and play around with others) then it's hard to call that cheating.

If you both expected an exclusive relationship, regardless of marital status, then yes, that would be cheating.

Now, what this sounds like is, you expected an exclusive relationship -- but he didn't agree, though he did not tell you this. I assume you were engaged at the time, since so close to the wedding? Societal mores would tend to assume an exclusive relationship at that point, so it seems odd that he would try to rationalize his behavior (not making it clear that, unlike most people, he didn't consider being engaged an exclusive relationship; not to mention actually sleeping with someone else) as normal because you weren't actually legally married yet. I rather suspect that this is a rationalization to explain his doing whatever he wanted to do.

A couple ways to think about this. What do you think he would think/feel if you said, "Oh, good, I slept with your best man then too"? I'm NOT suggesting that you try asking him to see how he reacts, but to make you think, is he holding you to a different standard than he holds himself?

Another is, given that he didn't feel it necessary to tell you that his expectations on engagement were rather different from most other people's, and this ended up hurting you badly... what other expectations/beliefs might he have that also might shock or jar you? So, he evidently does indeed believe that sex with someone else after marriage isn't right. But what are his definitions of "sex"? Teenagers can bend over backwards and tie themselves into pretzels to convince themselves that they aren't having sex... because they aren't actually in a bed. ... because it was only oral. ... because she didn't come... because it was anal ... you get the idea.

In addition, that his reaction at this point is, "It's been a year, get over it already" instead of trying to work with you to earn your trust, feels like he's making light of your feelings -- not a good thing.

I would strongly suggest going to couples counseling... you two need to work this out one way or another.

Answer 6

Yes - it is cheating - You made a choice to stay with him because you love him. He has trust to earn back - not forgiveness. The trust will take time - He did something that you will never be able to forget. By cheating = and it is cheating - he has caused you to have some insecurities - You did not cause them. News for you - You will never be over it. He is lucky to have you. The both of you might consider a counselor to help you work through the issue. Best of luck.

Answer 7

He is a player and a jerk really you were his fiance a few months before he married you. I think you are really foolish to have married him and if he cheats on you again you have only yourself to blame. I think you should have told him it is off and told him to get out of your life and stay out.

Really you say trust is there but I can tell by you asking this your worried he may cheat again. I would keep an eye on him especially since it was his ex that he screwed around with what a dog. When your dating it is suppose to be monogamous meaning one guy/one girl he had 2 girls really do you think that is right.

He is totally brainwashing you he cheated and that is that be it a few months before or not your dating it is serious enough to be getting hitched he is scum.

I hope you can deal with it but really you should have called it off. Because truthfully how much does he care for you and really love you if he was able to do this months prior to marrying you?.

God Bless and Best Wishes.

Answer 8

If you were in a committed relationship than it is cheating. If you are dating and are not exclusive than it is not. A few months before the wedding is definitely cheating and I would not have gone through with it. Sure he can tell you that you should be over it because it did not happen to him. Any relationship revolves around trust and he ruined it. Without trust you cannot have a happy marriage. I think that he is making excuses and blaming you for his actions.

Answer 9

I think you're right to have those trust issues. Heading toward marriage dating and casual dating are completely separate things. If it was only a few months before your wedding I can see how you would be so hurt! If it were after your third date or so it would be very different. I think you should seek counseling for this tough issue. You don't have to forget what he did - but you do need to realize that if you truly love him and want to make it work, you have to work through it with him. A relationship without trust isn't healthy. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

Being an ex-wife,I know from experience that my former husband kept coming over even though he was dating and has since married someone else.At the time I allowed it because it was really a way to get back at someone I had thought was my best friend.You probably will have a very hard time getting past this,but if he has given you no reason since this happened to doubt him,go with your gut and your heart.