I'm engaged to be married to a man with a horrible ex-wife. What to do?

Question

She plays mind games with my finace. She plays mind games with their children just to get to me. She has vowed to never stop trying to break us up. She will probably never change or get remarried. I have tried ignoring her and being the bigger person. Truthfully, I don't know if I should hang in there or just get out of the situation. I put up a good front so that it never gets back to her that she bothers me. But I really can't take it anymore. It is so bad that, even though it would be the hardest thing to do, I would leave him to have peace in my life.

Answer 1

this woman is jealous of u, and will probably stop at nothing if u marry him. if u don't feel peace than your intuition is right and maybe u need to wait and see what happens before marrying him. this woman and her kids are always going to be there unfortunately. keep ignoring her and say nothing. but if your feeling uneasy it may be best to wait on the marriage.

Answer 2

I am glad you are thinking this through before marriage, many women don't and then it is really a nightmare scenario. My X has MAJOR issues. My new wife is OK with it I think because I have a couple things that I do:

1) My X wife is my problem not hers. She doesn't engage with her on any topic if she is being irrational (just says I'll tell George to give you a call if she starts up)
2) Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries --- I don't talk about anything with her unless it is important about the children. I leave her messages to further minimize the contact. If she talks to me inappropriately on the phone I hang up. I have very little direct contact with her (sit elsewhere at school event etc). At the same time I am flexible and reasonable on schedule changes if she wants them (I am primary)
3) My kids are learning to deal with her as well, therapists have told me not much I can do -- they have to learn on their own. She defers to me on most big decisions anyways and our relationship is too strong for her to alienate them from me (they are also three boys so that probably makes it a little easier).

I am not suggesting you go there if you know you can't be happy, just offering a few things that work for us.

Good luck!

Answer 3

You are letting the girl-rage kill your boy-girl happiness? Come on! Where is your game, woman? Yes, she will always be around because of the kids. But she will probably land a new man pretty soon, actually (Ewwww!). The second you are sure you are the only part of the equation that can change, usually the other parts start to move on their own. Once you are married, she should calm down, since she wanted to stop the marriage. Your fiance does need to tell her that her and him getting back together is not going to happen and he does need to be firm that the kind of behavior she is exhibiting is exactly why they are not together - that can take some of the wind out of her sails. Everytime she acts up - he needs to tell her they are not getting back together. She is trying to assert her ownership of him, but it no longer matters. Still, it will take the marriage to bring it home - and she is not to be invited! Not her or her family, no way. Yes, they are related to the kids, but this is not the kids marriage, it is yours and his and she is very toxic right now! Lay down the law that this woman comes no where near you and no where near the house. Your fiance or someone else in the family can exchange the kids when needed. You need to get Italian-tough about this! You need to be schoolyard tough. You do not need to confront her, but she is NOT coming into your space unless she learns some manners. Your fiance needs to know you are there for him and the kids but you are not putting up with her junk. So he can figure out how to keep her out of your hair and you can be calm then, since you are the one who he wants. She can just scream in the street until the cops drag her away off her cheap heels and throw her nasty rear in the patrol car! ;)

Answer 4

Let me tell you from expericence, only he can stop that that foolish acting ex. It will only get worst when you are married. It has been my experience that the reason these ex's act the way they do is because the man has not took a real stance to let the ex no he does not want to be with her anymore. They will use the children, child support, family etc.... to try to keep some kind of control over your man. If he is not willing to take a real stance, like a man who has balls, against his ex you need to get the heck out of dodge. Trust me, I know.

Answer 5

Hang in there,it will get better.First of all you need to remember that it takes two to cause a divorce.So it isn't just her he is playing a role in this aswell.You don't know what happens when you are not around.Most of all NEVER talk her down when the children are anywhere around! They DO pick up on these things and you WILL hurt them not her!You knew about the exwife when the decission was made to be with him.So it had to have been expected.Bottom line if it's love stick with him.

Answer 6

Im sorry, to be honest i was actually the horrible ex. but i had every reason to be, my boyfriend started dating this chic when our son was 7 months, and he was lying about her, and continuing the relationship with me as well. I made both of there lives hell when i found out, but they both new the entire time what they were doing to me. She thought that getting him to marry her would be the end of me and him, she was wrong, we had a son together therefore would always be in each others lives, and he still wanted a relationship. They did get married in june of 06, and he left her exactly a month later. i would say not to get married right away, stay engaged until you feel comfortable, and if he can't handle his ex, then chances are its not goin to change. it sucks that they have kids tho, if you really love this man, then try it for a while, try even being nice to her, "love your enemies, it pisses them off" if your relationship started out like my ex's did and he cheated on her with you, then you can expect for things to be bad, if not, shes just goin to need time to get over it, hopefully she will find someone else.

Answer 7

Are you the reason they aren't together? My daughter and her ex husband broke up because a woman wouldn't leave him alone. Now grant you, it takes two to tango and he is just as guilty as she, but when my daughter and her ex were trying to work things out, this woman just never let up. She left her husband after only 3 months of marriage to chase after my son in law. Well, he couldn't make the decision, so my daughter made it for him. She kicked his butt out the door. This was over four years ago...he immediately moved in with the woman (he had nowhere else to go). They are now married and she had a baby in July. My daughter is the most understanding, compassionate woman who ever walked this earth. She forgives both of them and has always been very civil because she said it is for the sake of their children.
I don't know exactly what your situation is, but it sounds like a very stressful situation you are in. Is he worth it? Ask yourself that question and if he did cheat on his wife....once a cheater, always a cheater.

Answer 8

I was recently given this profound idea, "Try to understand before being understood". I am not justifying her behavior, but maybe it will help you if you think about how insecure, jealous, sad and pathetic she is... She is probably very hurt by the fact that her ex moved on and she hasn't... continue being the bigger person, ignore her, and remember that the best revenge is being happy.... don't let her get to you, work on your relationship with your soon to be husband and try not to talk about her... you can't change the way she is but you can change how you react to her... in her mind, she is right,and there is nothing you can do about it... best of luck!!!

Answer 9

RUN run do NOT pass go DO not collect 200 dollars
There is to many flags there... if he was any of a man he would not let her treat you or the kids like that.. there are ways to document and get a lawyer and put a stop to it if he truely wanted her out of his life. The only reason he puts up with it is cause he wants to.. like i said say by and get a life that brings joy not sorrow.

Answer 10

If you are considering leaving, then you already KNOW it may not be worth it to stay. You KNOW in your heart that things will probably never change and this crazy woman will be in your lives forever. There are the children's school and birthdays and holidays that you will probably see her at. Can you deal with that for 18 years?

Answer 11

if it was me i would tell him to talk to her and tell her to put a stop to all this mess. its not good for the kids. your doing good being the better person.. i commend you on that. me and my hubby's ex got a long great.. now they didn't but her and i did.. i told her that everything you all are working to achieve is to make sure the kids are raised in a happy and peaceful environment without turmoil. they have enough hard time figuring out that mom and dad are not together they done need them and you all fighting..if you he wont tell her then send her a letter. a nice one though that has the kids as the number one priority. maybe if she knows that you guys are willing and wanting to make this work then maybe she will stop her bulling. good luck