Does one mistake define a relationship?

Question

I have seen so many questions on here asked by someone whose lover has made a mistake, asking how to deal with it. The answers are always the same: Leave him/her. Move on! You deserve better!

While I do agree that this sentiment is sometimes deserved (i.e. in cases of abuse, or if it is an ongoing problem) why is it that the first advice we give is to end the relationship? Even a marriage!!! Isn't marriage "for better or for worse" anymore? What happened to forgiveness? What happened to fighting for marriage and staying together forever? Doesn't anyone do this anymore?

Is it necessary to advise someone to end a marriage (or even a relationship) based on one mistake?

I do understand that abuse and consistent unfaithfulness are definitely reasons to end a marriage. I'm talking about ONE mistake. I'm also excluding abuse here because I do believe that abuse is a situation where one mistake is enough.

Answer 1

There are a lot of younger folks in this forum and they tend to like the "dump 'em" answer. It can be easy to see relationships in black and white until you have more experience through your own relationships or those of your posse. It does not mean most people should be using this as a voting situation, they need to read all the responses and consider what is in their own heart. Even people who have separated end up in Singles & Dating asking if it normal that they still want to be with their ex. Ending a relationship is not that simple. However, our society has gotten away from the notion of a spouse becoming family to you - someone you are bound to no matter what - and drifted toward making marriage more like living together. Marriage should require trying to work through problems. You do need to understand when one spouses problems are bigger than both of you - betrayal without serious effort to change, bi-polar the spouse refuses to medicate, addictions the spouse will not fight. But most of the reasons people leave one another would be laughable to our grandparents. Marriage is supposed to make you a team, you are supposed to be working your path through the world together, not just sharing a ride. If problems come up, you need to face them together and you always, always need to have each others' back - no talking junk about each other or bashing the other in your words or your mind. If you are inseparable, you will not drift apart.

Answer 2

Mostly depends on the degree of the mistake and type of person involved. Only God can truly forgive so allthis person can do is to accept the mistake, try to forget and move on. But if the bond of trust is broken,then it becomes a whole other story. There are many many so called experts on divorces and relationships whose only education and experience is watching soapoperas on TV and who have no business giving advice, that resort to divorce at any first sign of marital trouble, but the fact is that many of us realexperts do really helpmany couples thru their challenges to go on with your marriages for some time. True,may try and do not make it for whatever reason but at least they tried due to the disagreement of their friends and family. So alot of answers on here do depend on the education and experience of the people answering and whether theiradvice is good or not an worth reviewing is up to the person asking the question which is still the constitutional right in this country

Answer 3

If you read any of my answers, I normally suggest doing what it takes to get over the hurdle and to concentrate on making the marriage work; to leave the past in the past and look forward to today and your tomorrows.

Peoples egos get in the way of forgiveness many times. They feel vulnerable to being hurt again or dwell on the negative. I also believe in forgiveness if the person is truly sorry, remorseful and is doing all they can to show you that they know what a mistake they made. One time can be a mistake, but twice is definitely an intention as you know how much your hurt your partner from the previous experience.

So, yes - I forgave and am so very happy I did so; our love is stronger than ever; perhaps even better after almost losing what was most precious to us - our relationship.

Answer 4

I think a lot of people answer these questions based on what THEY THINK they would do in a particular situation...but the truth is, nobody knows what you would actually do when faced with the situation themselves. After 10 yrs, my husband cheated. I fought for my marriage as did he. I truley believe he learned a valuable lesson and really regrets what happened, while its not easy to stay and face the hurt and pain...they payoff is well worth it. Nobody is perfect, and people make mistakes. It takes a bigger person to forgive and accept situations than to walk away. By the way...another cliche I absolutely hate is "once a cheater, always a cheater" these people that give this advice must have a miserable life if they think so negatively. If you dont have faith that people and things can change for the better, you yourself will never fully be fulfilled in life as negativity is contagious to those around you.

Answer 5

If the mistake was cheating or something like that (not abuse) then no i do not think ending it after one mistake is the answer. People don't believe that someone can change, but they can. People go through rough patches in there lives, causing then to do things they wouldnt normally do, then they realize after the mistake is made that it was wrong, or even someone who isn't sure that they want to be with the person they married (yes they probably should of figured this out before they married them) but like i said people change, and maybe they want to try new things, and then realize the person they married was the right one. if the one who was screwed over can forgive, and the one who made the mistake, can change, then i do not see any problem with working it out. Now if someone is in danger, then no there is no giving a 2nd chance, cuz that 2nd chance could be your life, or your kids (if you have any)

Answer 6

That depends on what the "mistake" is and how the mistake maker acts once they are caught in the act.

If the person continues to lie or get defensive then you can pretty much guess that this wasn't the 1st "mistake" and won't be the last.

You can't fix a relationship by yourself and if the other person won't admit to being wrong there is no chance of change.

I believe in marriage but I also believe in divorce when it doesn't work.

Having been thru the hell of a divorce I would never recommend one lightly.

Answer 7

if that one mistake is either adultry or physical abuse then yes, i recommend divorce.

look, anyone, man or woman who doesn't respect their partner enough to not have an affair or to not hit has #1 lost all respect from their partner and #2 shown their true colors.

i agree with the marriage vows of "for better, for worse" but i pose this to you, how could you sleep in the same bed again and have intimate relations again with your spouse who made a conscience decision 2 violate the other vow, which is "do u promise to love/honor/respect"? could u not flinch everytime ur spouse raises a hand 2 u after that same spouse violated that same vow?

everything else someone does in a relationship could be worked out by 2 agreeing parties, but you can't remove the past actions of your partner whom you've trusted with everything u r that broke that trust by cheating or hitting.

i'm sorry, i know where your question is coming from, but until ur spouse whom u have trusted and loved has cheated on u or taken a hand 2 u you can't really say u would forgive them just because of one of the vows u spoke...u spoke many vows, r they not as important?

what i speak of doesn't need 2 b an ongoing problem...it can only take one blow 2 seriously hurt or kill, i wouldn't wait around 4 the next one if i survived the first...same with cheating; a person who has been cheated on by their spouse isn't likely 2 b ready 2 "spread 'em" immediately, so whats gonna happen 6mths or so down the road 2 recovery when the cheating spouse cheats again.

the shelters r filled with battered women, the men whom r battered by their spouses just hide in plain sight. the courts r filled with adulterers whos only excuse is "it was only once"...i ask, y did it need 2 b that once?

u ask, "'Isn't marriage "for better or for worse" anymore', i ask what do those people i've spoken about not know what committment means to their marriage.
u ask 'what happened 2 forgiveness', i ask could u forgive ur spouse 4 cheating on u or hitting u.
u ask 'what happened 2 fighting 4 a marriage and staying together', i ask why should a married man or woman need 2 cheat on or hit their spouse.
u ask very good questions, but if you asked a woman or man who's been euither cheated on or physically abused by their spouse i bet you'd get a way different answer that you believe it should be...i should know...because u just did talk 2 someone who was physically abused by their gf, see i was beat on by her with visible bruises on 2 separate occasions. i don't hit women, its not what a real man does. after the first time i did what u suggested and tried working on it with her, it just happened again 2 weeks later. it was more violent the second time. what was i doing when this happened both times u ask...i was trying 2 walk away from an argument that she started. how long would u put up with beatings...i'll put every dollar i have on the fact that u would have been gone in a shorter time than it took u 2 print this question.

yes, one mistake defines a relationship.

Answer 8

I totally agree with you. It seems like these days people don't take their marriage vows seriously. My daughter's ex husband was a big cheater, however, my daughter tried so hard to keep her marriage intact. She insisted they go for counseling, but he lied to the counselor. He told the counselor he had given up the girlfriend, which he did not. After several months of trying desperately to save the marriage, because, two children were involved here, my daughter finally gave up. She comes from a home where marriage means forever. My husband and I are married 38 yrs, my parents were married 58 yrs when dad died...etc.. Her ex came from a background where divorce was prominent in his family, and the bimbo he was cheating with, left her husband after only 3 months of marriage...so therefore, they deserve each other.
So in answer to your question, I would NOT advise someone to end a marriage after one mistake. People should try to save their marriages. The breakdown of the family unit is the downfall of America.

Answer 9

I think part of it is that the mistake upset the person so much that they're asking about it on a public board.

Second, no, one mistake isn't always necessarily a reason to end a relationship. But many of the 'mistakes' have to do with a lack of respect (he cheated on me, he let his friends make fun of me, he openly flirts with other women in public in front of me, he has online personals profiles in which he is listed as single, he refuses to call me his girlfriend, etc), and once someone has clearly demonstrated that they don't respect you, it's hard to continue a relationship that you can't expect to be healthy. Also, if women mention abuse, any sort of actual abuse - physical or mental - is absolutely unforgivable.

Answer 10

i think this is too broad of a question to say "yes" or "no."

yes, it may be "neccesary to advise someone to end a marriage based on one mistake." it depends on what the mistake was. it's a very individual decision and a very controversial issue.

and yes, marriage is supposed to be "for better or for worse" but what if the other person isn't living up to their end of the deal and doesn't want to change? is the person doing all the work just supposed to suck it up for the rest of their lives? marriage is A LOT of work, and divorce sucks, but sometimes it's just easier and for the best.