can i ever forgive my dad?

Question

when i was younger i grew up with domestic violence. me and my sister had to listen to my dad beating my mom. he would beg her forgiveness and she would always take him back. i used to hate my mom for going back and putting us through it. it stopped when i was about 14 and it seems my dad has learnt to control his anger and knows that my mom wouldnt consider going back ever again if he went back to his old ways . but even though im grown up and got kids of my own i still relive it in my head evey night in bed and even though my dad is really good to me and my sisters and dotes on us i still cant see past the violent wife beater he used to be and i try to avoid him all together. i know i should drop my guard and give him a second chance but i cant even say his name without having flashbacks. i just need some friendly advice and i cnt get therapy because i cnt afford it. please help

Answer 1

Hey Tessa! I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. My siblings and I faced the exact same ordeal. The only difference is that my dad used to beat us, also. He'd do the whole apology thing, but he'd still do it again. Finally, when I was 14, I called the police on him because he hit my mom and my brother. My entire family turned on my in court and he was set free. He never hit me again, but he continued to beat my mom and my siblings. He and my mom are still together (25 years of marriage come June 2008), and he still hits her.

I cry about it all of the time, and I'm sure you do about your situation as well. I usually go to Microsoft Word or Notepad and type up my feelings, and then delete it. Maybe this will help you, too. Or, sometimes it helps for me to just sit and think about what's more important. The anger that I have for my dad or the love that I have for him. Regardless of how bad he treated us, I know that I would go crazy if something were to happen to him. Whenever you feel yourself getting angry at him, try to think about the good times that you've had with him.

Maybe there was a time that he took you and your sister to the fair or to the movies. Try to replace all of your negative thoughts about your father with more positive ones. If all else fails, you may just have to work up the courage to tell him how you feel and why. He more than likely won't get mad; if anything, he'll probably cry. But, if it's bothering you this much you owe it to yourself to confront him about your feelings. This will probably help more than anything. It definitely proved beneficial to my situation...

Answer 2

ok. this is something i have personal experience in. The reason you stil relive it in your head is simple. It is an unresolved issue. I grew up in a smililar house an di never though i could forgive my dad. But as a got a lot older I had a good sit down talk with my dad before i went to war and told him my issue. Maybe it is too late to be a father. maybe that ship has sailed. But it is never too late to except him as a friend. Give him a chance to be a friend, tell him your issues and be honest. This does not mean you have to forgive him. you just need to get this issue resolved and try to salvage at least a friendship from him. if you need any more advise or some one to talk to. Just IM me.

Answer 3

That must have been terrible to deal with. But look, at least you have and are doing just that. Dealing with it. My Dad and Mom split when I was around 2. I am 42 now and didn't really meet him to actually talk until I was in my early 30's. There was no contact. I used to hate him I guess without even knowing him, because he was never there for me. I finally decided to forgive him. I now talk to him on the phone and we get along. I know yours is a different situation, but my sister and I went through a lot of different kind of abuse. We came to forgive him and our Mom without really knowing what happened. Sometimes people do horrible things but they change. If he has you just need to figure out how to forgive him if you want to. But don't be afraid to tell him exactly how you feel and how he made you feel. I did and it helped me immensely.

Answer 4

because you were young you did not realize there were probably circumstances that made him crazy, somehow these circumstances changed. who knows? immaturity, no money, anger at the world, who knows what set him off. it is in the past and has virtually nothing to do with you or the way or person you are today. dwelling on it is foolish. sorry. he is not that younger crazy person anymore. people change. things change. what pleasure you get holding on to this i dont know. maybe you feel he owes you an apology. tell him just that. tell him you want to have a relationship but cant get this pix out of your head. tell him you need him to own this and ask forgiveness for the stress he caused you when young. but also tell hiim you are saying this cause you want to put it behind you. i guarantee he will be surprised and will not even remotely remember these things as you do. cause he sees it all as an adult memory, you were a kid and had no control. so be brave, bring it up, get it over with and put it to rest. and resolve to never bring that kind of ugliness into your own life.

Answer 5

I will count on that the "dangerous factor" is of a sexual nature. First of all, was once it consensual? If it was once now not, then I think badly for that lady, despite the fact that you appear to be regretting it extraordinarily. Remember that all of us make errors in our lives. Some in detailed are critical, whilst others don't seem to be. Although I'm now not a Christian, do don't forget additionally that God forgives all. If, as you are saying, you had no notion that it was once a horrible sin, then now not all of the blame falls on you, despite the fact that lack of knowledge is not any excuse. I endorse you search out that lady and apologise ASAP if you have not performed so. Make certain that she KNOWS it's unsuitable, or she might develop up with this belief caught in her brain. You do not desire to have an impact on her badly simply on account that of this incident. If it's fairly consuming you up within approximately your dad, the exceptional factor to do is in most cases to inform him the reality and face the track. True, he could also be indignant, however a minimum of you have been sincere. Time heals all wounds, he's going to finally take delivery of that and simply transfer on. I desire that you simply discovered a useful lesson from this despite the fact that!

Answer 6

The fact that your dad has changed and your mom can forgive him says a lot but I'm sure she has not forgotten. Nobody said you have to forget ,but you are only hurting yourself by holding on to the anger.Could you possibly sit and discuss your feelings with both your parents?Maybe they need to know what you are feeling so they can explain and ask your understanding.Perhaps he can explain why he was such an angry person. I am not suggesting that whatever was making him angry was justification for the abuse but maybe it will help you to understand .
Remember you can't change the past but you sure can try to make your future a good place to be.

Answer 7

You DO need professional counseling, my friend. Do you belong to a church or synagogue? The reason I ask is because ministers and rabbis are wonderful counselors. That is what they are trained for. It is not 'religious' counseling, it is personal. And, they do not charge.
Also, if you live near a university which houses a psychiatric school, you can get counseling from doctoral students there at VERY LITTLE COST. The student counselors are monitored by their professors during each session.

Please consider a counseling option. If not just for you....for your father and for your children. They deserve a parent who isn't tormented every night.

I hope I've helped.

Answer 8

Did your dad drink? If so, it would be fitting for you to go to alanon for free support. Usually such abusiveness does not exist in isolation--independent of other issues. Check your local newspapers. There are probably over 500 different self-help groups that are free in your greater community. Check women's centers in the phone book and local university/community college. They are free as well. Also, if you have grief or bereavement issues call your local hospices bereavement counselor which is also a national free service that many people don't know about.

Answer 9

everyone screws up. Forgiving your father should be a slow trial and error. They say everyone can change but wife beaters and child molesters are at the bottom of the list. My mother used to abuse my brother and I and tried to give her a second chance but the new man in her life was more important than us and my kids. Good luck ,Blood relatives deserves a chance.

Answer 10

Have you talked to your mom about the sudden change? What was it that happened to make him stop? How old are you now and does he have a relationship w/ your kids? There's a lot of hurt that'll take a while to work through. But I don't see how you can completely trust him w/o professional help, or even talking to him about it all. Which doesn't seem likely (?).