Will you please critique my poem to my girlfriend?

Question

An even strobe a pulse of flashing
Hatelights of synthetic souls massproduced
Hammered into shape a sign of times dreams
Turn into systems a new way a new breed
Implanted in our minds

Here I am in the hand of a sterile hate the
New control I can not wake I'm not a sleep

New intelligence arise in emptied bodies
Turgid flesh tested through eternal spastic
Fits through not known codes mother
Machine in genocide now scorn a dying race

Evolution in reverse now it's time for me
Changing what am I to be contorted an
Eternity defeated

Programmed to appease you we're symbols of
Perfection humanoids runed by your laws:
Destroy erase improve lesson first: Submission
We're docile servent dogs our
Leashes are your limbs computed deep within

Remoted minds controlle our thoughts no
More doubts the new way is here disgorged
Another thousands fakes that obey to a
Circuit skein to vacuum

Answer 1

Uhm....okay
after the first line, I got bored.
Sorry...

Answer 2

You should link together the words 'a' and 'sleep', unless you really mean to say you're "not a sleep," in the same way you're not a dog.

"New intelligence arise in emptied bodies" is grammatically incorrect. It should be "New intelligence has risen in emptied bodies," but whatever.
The rest of this verse -- no, the rest of this poem to me, just comes across as word salad attempting to sound cool and profound. There's nothing I can take from it, and it's not for lack of ability to understand, but rather a lack of willingness to try. Whether that's my problem or a problem with your poem is up to you to decide.

I think your poem is grandiloquent in it's use of description, but that's all it has going for it: a grandiloquent description. What it is a description of is not apparent -- it lacks clarity and articulation, and I say there is nothing wrong with clarity and articulation.