I have been married for 6 months now and very happily at that. But I have a slight problem. My wife seems to a be a responsible robot in the relationship...
90% of the time I ask for sex although she always responds well. I know thats ok, because usually women have a lower sex drive. Me, I never had anyone to share anything with and I open my heart out to her. I want to spend a lot of time with her, I want to talk about everything with her, both good and bad, tell her my problems, share my success. And she is very good person to talk to. She listens, argues, advices and lightly disapproves.
Problem is, she hasn't opened up. She doesn't like to tell me anything about her life. She bottles them up inside her and thinks them over by herself. She tells me things, but I can feel that its all small things. She never truly shares anything. Also, she needs a lot of space. She never tells me but I can feel it. She doesn't like to be tied down to something.
2007-11-24 05:38:36 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
So I never interfere with what she keeps away from me. She spends time with me when I ask her to, and she gives her hundred percent in those times. But I never see her always pining for time with me.
She is not open with anoyone else either, even her parents. But I am her husband, right? Its like she is a wife, but she doesn't need a husband. But I want her to open up! Am I being too demanding?
I want her to scream when she is mad, I want her to argue with me not just disapprove. I want her to show some emotions! WHAT should I do?
2007-11-24 05:40:09 · update #1
I know you people must think I am wierd. Its just that I never had anyone to share anything with, not many friends, divorced working parents. And my wife is the centre of my world, and I can't help but fell a little ignored when I am not important to her.
2007-11-24 05:58:31 · update #2
You sound very caring and insightful, and I'm so glad you are asking questions after six months of marriage.
Your wife sounds very much like I was, 30 years ago as a 21-year-old newlywed. I was afraid to open up emotionally to my husband because it was my perception that males (starting with my dad and my older brother) would later use information against me that had been imparted by me in a vulnerable moment. No one likes to be held as an emotional hostage. As I began to realize this, I thought I was being unfair to my husband. I began to open up to him but sure enough, my deepest thoughts and secrets were thrown back at me when we were in an argument. It took nearly 15 years before I could learn to trust him again. Usually, during an argument I would close myself off in a room or leave the house, because I could not handle the way he disapproved of me if he were angry. One important thing for you to remember is that whatever hurtful thing you say to her hurts 100 times worse than if she hears the same words from someone else, because she loves you so much more and she cares what you think of her.
Sexually, I was very old fashioned (at first!). No matter how much I wanted intimacy and/or sex, I thought that he would feel that I was moving in on his territory. He finally told me that he WANTED me to initiate sex. Our sex life took off from there, and was "off the hook" for nearly 30 years. I adored my husband and loved sex with him, despite our problems.
The advice I give to you is to go NOW with your wife to a trusted minister who is also a licensed marriage counselor. Show your wife the question that you wrote with your concerns and tell her, in a spirit of love and concern, how much you love her and that you want more than anything to spend the rest of your life with her.
I wish I had tried harder to get to a counselor with my beloved husband 30 years ago. We started going last year, but that was 29 years too late. We passed our 30th wedding anniversary last week, and I gave him divorce papers two days later. He says that he wants to stay married to me and he says he loves me, but he has a girlfriend. I love him with all my heart, but I can't handle that. I have known for the last 15 years that my husband has childhood issues that make him act in a self-destructive manner, but not only does he punish himself, he hurts me and our (now grown) children. He is a good man, just a horrible husband, and he is hurting. He has to learn to love himself before he can love me. He says he does, but I know now that he is not capable. I've lost my best friend.
Don't let it take 30 years for your marriage to run completely off the track. If you love her, PLEASE go to a credible counselor NOW!
WITH MUCH LOVE, RESPECT, AND ADMIRATION,
Denise
2007-11-24 06:29:47 · answer #1 · answered by giwifegimom 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you take up too much space? My husband is always talking about something or another - which is fine, but when I want a turn he brings it back to himself and his issues and sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't care. Also, if I share some sort of problem or misdeed towards me he gets mad at whomever caused the injustice, and wants to fix my problems for me instead of just letting me vent.
Was she really hurt as a child - by a parent - like abandonment? Or, was her trust abused in another relationship? If So, maybe she just needs more time to really get to know you and trust you. It takes someone a long time to trust when they've been hurt.
Maybe it's just not her nature to be so open? Two people in a relationship don't have to be on the same level of openness for it to work really well, do they?
2007-11-24 05:52:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey calm down. Most Men want the opposite. Your wife will take some time to get use to a Man with a Few Woman hormones swimming around in his veins. Take it from me, My man can drive me crazy. One minute he wants me to be this mushy lovey dovy girl, the next he's thinking I'm too needy and he needs his space. I think your girl smart, She knows to wait and watch and listen. Give her time to open up. Six Months is not that long.
I mean you are not going anywhere right? So just watch and enjoy. If you sit back long enough and wait for her to say something, you might be surprised. Don't try so hard is what I am trying to say. We love a man that is relaxed and then start wondering why he is so relax. We wonder then we start asking. Let her have her turn, but wait for it.
God Bless and Good Luck!!! My bets are on you.
2007-11-24 05:49:32 · answer #3 · answered by angela d 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your wife just seems like a very reserved person, which is not a bad thing at all. If I was you I'd just tell her how you feel, thats seems like the only way she'll know what your thinking.
She will probably never scream when she's mad or show her emotions like you want her to because she may not be that type of person.
If you both love each like you seem to then it will eventually work itself out. Just be open with her and tell her how you feel. She may not even realize that she is not being very open with you.
Again just tell her how you feel and be honest, and good luck.
2007-11-24 05:46:23 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just having her "open" to the idea isn't going to work. This is something that the two of you have to be involved in. If she's not into keyholding, you're just going to end up feeling empty about the whole thing. I'd recommend spending more time educating and convincing her to play a larger role in this than accepting that you're going to lock yourself up. If she isn't going to enjoy it, then you're not going to enjoy it. It's likely to not work out and then it'll be hard to convince her to try it again after it's already failed once.
2016-05-25 05:24:00 · answer #5 · answered by bobby 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think some people are just emotionally distant. It's just her personality. I wouldn't worry too much.Perhaps she is pleased and happy with her life right now and doesn't have any earth shattering news to share. The first year of marriage is full of new feelings and adjustments. If you sense that she needs space, then give it to her. Sometimes people just need to be alone with their own thoughts... that's the way they sort things out and process situations.
2007-11-24 05:56:23 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In other words, you want to change her to be more like you. Please! Respect her for who she is, presumably the person you fell in love with, and also respect her privacy. She may have had experiences in her life that are too painful to talk about. Trust her judgment. Pressuring her and being demanding is going to be very counterproductive. Give her the space she needs, and eventually she may feel like opening up to you. Not because she owes it to you, but because she wants to. To insult her by thinking of her as a "responsible robot" is to sabotage your relationship.
2007-11-24 05:46:56 · answer #7 · answered by RE 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I had a similar problem early in our marriage. I hate to say it, but it took his mom passing away and getting grief therapy that made him realize opening up to someone would not hurt him. Maybe it won't take that with you two. Maybe you can just let her know you're hurt by her lack of openness and that she's safe with you when she does decide to open up. No judgements, no teasing. Just open, honest communication. Good luck.
2007-11-24 05:44:37 · answer #8 · answered by kristin t 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
most guys can't stand it when their wives talk back to them...
Well maybe you should try seeing what makes her happy and do those things for her...
maybe the reason she doesn't open up is because maybe at one time she did and you called her ideas and feelings dumb... most won't respond to that.
Keep being loving and ask her what would truly make her happy...and then follow through!!! GOOD LUCK
but be happy with a wife that feels like she doesn't want to cause friction...
2007-11-24 05:43:41 · answer #9 · answered by TrueBlue 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Consider yourself lucky! My hubby would probably relish the idea of me not opening up my feelings 24/7! That's just who I am and that's just who she is. I have a son that is stand offish like that. Didn't get it from me. But doesn't make them any less unfeeling. Give her a break, don't hound her to open up, she may just clam up more. She obviously loves you.
2007-11-24 05:48:41 · answer #10 · answered by zen 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋