Can I make it with 5 kids by myself?

Question

My husband and I continue to go through our ups and downs. I have 2 children b4 him and 3 with him. I do not recieve c/s from the first father. My husband has supported me since I became pregnant w/ our 1st. I went to school a few times for some quick certificates but have not had to work. I feel like such a burden on him and he always says he don't care about n-ething n-emore. I asked him last night what was it that he loved about me, and what made him come home to me everytime....he didnt give me a answer. he said that he supprts me and that shows his love right there.
We have gone through this so many times, I have 5 kids and I cant handle the way he makes me feel. I take it out on my kids and things have just gone from bad to worse in the past year. Can I make it on my own? Or am I forced to accept this life? I see the black clouds comeing.
How do you start over with 5 young children? (my oldest is 8)

Answer 1

yes

Answer 2

I think raising 5 kids with 2 parents is hard enough, I can't see how it would be better alone, financially or emotionally.

As a teacher, I see a profound difference in the children who have 2 caregivers vs. 1, and also between kids who have someone as a stay at home parent and those who don't.

Unless there is abuse (emotional or physical), you should try to repair things. If there is abuse get out immediately.

Maybe you haven't given enough information, but so far what you've said is:
He acted responsibly when you became pregnant
He supports you financially
You don't have to work
He says he shows his love by supporting you. (That was his answer, btw...)
He's emotionally unavailable

What you haven't told us is:
does he love the kids? help with them when he's home? does he come home late a lot and avoid you?

I think the problem is that:
1. You feel dependent and a burden
2. You are not receiving enough emotional support from your husband - sounds like he's not very demonstrative.

Both of these are curable if you both want to keep things going, and seems like your husband does if he keeps coming home...

Answer 3

That may prove to be hard but I wouldn't leave your husband. If he's not verbally, physically or mentally abusive then what you have is a rut. You feel guilty because you feel like you don't contribute anything but kids.

Find out what you can do to help out. If you think that will solve things.

Just know that there is something deeper there. So even if you got a job and helped out things just maybe wouldn't get better.

Do your best to keep those lines of communication open even if he doesn't talk. Show him he can and that you'll understand his language when he does.

You cannot take your frustration out on your children because it's not fair and it's not their fault. Your actions effect everyone in that house so think about what you do.

Maybe the thing for you to do is some introspection.

Look at you. Take some time and figure out what caused this issue. Was it gradual? Was it always like this? Have I changed? In the situation right now, what can I do to make this better.

Answer 4

It would be hart but I think you could do it. Tough with so many young children. They really do need their mommy.

I gather he is not the type to go into marriage counseling? Man sometimes feel left out after children come into the picture. Perhaps he is craving more of your attention and would like to hear a thank you from time to time. We all need that. It is easy to take someone you love for granted.

If you are not happy, work on a plan to become independent. If you don't have work experience see if you can start working part time. Perhaps that would also ease the tension on your relationship. It would make you feel more indecent and secure.

Start saving money so you have a cushion if all falls apart. Make sure your DH is not aware of this savings. He could freeze the account if he does know about the money.



Good Luck

Answer 5

Dear confused,

You're not the only one struggling to sort through whether it makes sense to stay in a relationship. It's often a big step to acknowledge to others that you're having relationship troubles, so it's brave of you to write in. Hopefully, some reflection and conversation with your partner can help you decide what to do.

Have you talked with your boyfriend about the situation? It'd be helpful to know whether you're on the same page about whether you want to keep the relationship going, whether you see that there are problems, and whether you're both willing to try to make changes in your behavior to work things out.

If you're both dedicated to making changes, you might start by practicing your listening skills. Take turns listening to each other describe what's important to you in a relationship and a partner and what you value about the relationship you have. Rather than focusing on your own feelings, take time to probe and understand what the other person thinks and feels. If you practice this skill when the topic's upbeat, it may help you be more empathetic and considerate when the going gets tough.

If you can figure out what you both want from your relationship, it may be time to move on to talking about how you want your relationship to change. Conflict isn't always negative, but it's important to find healthy ways to address it. Here are some ideas:

Express your feelings, and take time to listen to the other person's. If you let frustration fester for a long time, things usually get ugly.
Be specific about what you want, and be willing to compromise.
Stick to one topic at a time — it's not fair or realistic to bombard your partner with a whole laundry list of complaints.
Avoid accusations. Instead, focus on certain actions and how they made you feel.
Including an outside person (like a counselor or mediator) might help you reconcile some of your differences or offer a neutral perspective. It's really hard to change behavior patterns in general, and probably impossible for you to change your boyfriend's behavior if he's not motivated to change himself. If you aren't both invested, it may be time to move on.

You are alway's asking about the same thing over and over again..And I honestly can say that you are not listening or believe in yourself.Just have faith in you.And everything will fall into place.

I'm a single parent and I have 1 child and I don't make a excuse of standing still I just move forward,And you should to.This is last time I touch on this issue.


Izabel

Answer 6

Check into becoming a daycare center. Really if you already have kids you could do that and take in several more at 500-600.00 a piece a month and stay home and raise your kids. I am a single father I raised three children with the youngest being 2 months when I started. It was hard but a rewarding experience. Also, start getting child support and boot the un-feeling bum to the curb.

Answer 7

I suggest you look into counseling before deciding to start over. You say you don't feel the love from your husband but it sounds like you still love him and although it's not all that matters, he is still coming home and supporting you....that counts for something. You should give your marriage a shot! Your husband could be depressed or going through a mid-life crisis. It sounds like you too maybe suffering from low self-esteem or depression and let me tell you, even if you try to start over...the problem will not help itself and you will be acting selfishly if you make a hasty decision, especially since children are involved. Don't be so quick to throw in the towel.

Answer 8

I know a young lady, with five kids, 4 by the same father. Father was a jerk, (both fathers actually), her oldest is 10. She's on her own. The state went after the dads for support, and helped her take care of the kids while they did. It's important that you speak with a social worker and don't listen to your friends or the husband. You can make it, and you absolutely need to file for child support from both fathers. This is not being vindictive or mean. There was no issue with them where sex was involved, there should be no issue where support is involved. You are not a burden to him. You are taking care of his offspring, and that in itself should invoke gratitude on his part. Stop listening to the crap they spew about you not contributing. If you want out, get out. Talk to a social worker, talk to the state about child support.
There is a better life out there for your kids, you simply have to want it.

Answer 9

I am so sorry you have that to go through this but you can do it alone. There is other help available, don't feel trapped. If you are not happy, your kids will not be happy. Do what you think is best for yourself and them. My guess is that you still really love your husband or really want to but he is making it near impossible with his distant behaviors to you. That's not a life, I have been dealing with the same issues for the past four years, when you are ready you wil know and then you will find the strength to make it happen for you and your Kids. Good Luck

Answer 10

first of all stay focused on the big picture, your kids. they really need you right now. yes you can do it alone! it will be a challenge. this is where everybody in your circle comes together to assist you in this difficult time without pitty parties and negative male bashing conversations. everytime you feel down and sad, you hug everyone of those kids and tell them you love them and thats it not their fault. it's not fair to them and they could be scarred for life. also you can star by getting a part time job to get you out of the house to gain some perspective on the world. maybe your husband is tired of pulling all the weight for the family. do something with those certififcates you earned. your kids would be very proud of you. maybe things will turn around if you start to focus on getting YOU together. everyone is responsible for their own actions or lack there of. men love takin care of their wives and they love us more when we take care of them too. try not to have any more kids since the ones you have are so young. please hug your kids more than you have before and talk to them in a soft kind voice and tell them "we will be alright no matter what" and not to worry. hope i helped you a little bit.

Answer 11

Yes you can make it. You don't have to stay in a relationship that you basically explain is over. Find a job and if possible you can get some help from the state if necessary. Ask family to babysit while you work so you can save money on day care. It will be okay. You don't have to settle for something you no longer want. Good luck to you and hang in there.