Forty years of marriage and getting stronger?

Question

and this applies to most of my friends of my generation. However, these days it is so different. Is it a dying art, the ability to stay married for life. What has gone wrong, perhaps we in some way are to blame.

Answer 1

Well, I just hit 48 years this past October. I believe the keys are communication, caring, compromise, and a good dose of humor thrown in.

And, as Phyllis Diller says: "Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight."

Answer 2

No rose-garden this!

To an extent - I agree with Francesca M - most people are lazy - relationships are fairly complex things that require time to develop, blossom and grow. Even after you're committed to marriage you will still be learning something new about your partner - some of which require adaptability. We could argue, of course, that people are suffering from the instant "buy it now!" marriage - if it doesn't work??? "Hey, just trade it in and buy a new one" - that's too easy. Every true relationship between two people is based on trust, communication and the ability to compromise.

We all seek happiness - for ourselves and our families. But no lasting marriage is ever smooth sailing - you have to examine it and work at it constantly. You learn to be flexible within the marriage and in relation to the marriage's interplay with the community and world around. At the end of the day - you have a commitment to each other - some people fear committment when they finally see understand exactly what it means. Throw in the variables of a dog + a mother-in-law + a couple of kids and you pile complexity upon complexity.

It is possible - I know we can all make mistakes - but these can be attributed to a lack of communication, unrealistic expectations and the understanding that a relationship is not cast in stone - but must change to survive. If you make a commitment to live together and enjoy your partner's company - be prepared to earn it.

Congratulations on your 40th - here's hoping for 40 more !!!

Answer 3

I put the blame mainly on legal issues and society itself.

One cause of increased divorce rates is the "no-fault" divorce, making the split easier on the couple. In fact, no-fault divorce legislation may have accelerated state divorce rates by as much as twenty-five percent. The easing of requirements has increased divorce all over the world.

Another is doing away with or shortening of the waiting period. In France, where the wait is 3 years, divorce rates are very low.

Then there is society's view of divorce. The greater acceptance of divorce actually contributes to the decrease in marital bliss. In a way, it IS a dying art. People marry, already expecting that they can divorce if things don't go well. Then that opens an whole other can of worms -- single parent families, along with their economic and social issues.
I'm not criticizing anyone here ... I'm in that boat, myself.

What a mess!

Answer 4

Unfortunately there is a lot of time and money put into the "big day" and not enough into the marriage. There are different fashionable bits and bobs to make the "perfect" wedding and some young couples think they have to put on a huge show for their guests. Is it any wonder when all the glitz and glamour die down that when reality kicks in they are doomed to failure. It is very sad. We have instilled in both our daughters the values and qualities needed to build a successful marriage. But even so, there is no guarantee they will follow what we've advised. We have tried to teach them by example in everything we do, especially in our relationship with each other and our married life.

Answer 5

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

40 years, that's great and I wish you many more.

My husband has 4 brothers and I have 2 brothers.

None of us have divorced.

We all have 50 years, give or take a few years.

I worked in the field of Domestic Violence for 16 years before I retired.

I estimate that I worked with about 2,000 or more victims and their children. (with help of course)

There seemed to be a pattern.

Alcohol, drugs, finances, some incest and also the example of parental abuse in their home when growing up.

I think too many kids were spoiled and now have a lack of control, when it comes to their finances.

Also it's too easy to get a divorce and they aren't willing to try to work their problems out.

They are looking for that smooth ride that does not exist.

If the going get tough, as it always does at one time or another in marriage, they just chalk their marriage off as a lost cause.

Courtship with out cohabiting is usually not an option as far as they are concerned and it is too acceptable by our society.

I could go on and on but I'm sure you get and agree with the point I'm going after.

As far as blame . . . . it came upon us so slow, that we didn't see it coming.

I fear, this is one of those problems that we can't fix, anyway, not right now

Thanks for the question.

Answer 6

My sister and her husband could ask this question. They just celebrated 52 years of marriage in October. Of their three children the oldest just married his 4th wife, second married her 2nd this year and third is divorced and still crushed by it. The family all went to church every Sunday but only my niece continues to go. Parents can try to do everything right but in the long run each person has their own life to live. The two who recently married are happy now. I believe that maybe this time they will make everything work.

Answer 7

For people that where married years ago, it was instilled in use that marriage was for ever. If you had problems,( and who didn't) you worked through them and came up with a solution. You loved that person( sometimes more than yourself) and would sacrifice what had to be, in order for things to come to a happy ending. It wasn't hard, it was love. No one today makes a commitment to make it last, "if it doesn't work out , I'll just get a divorce." is the common statement heard today. Marriage took work to make it last, and most young kids don't know how to work, at one job for any length of time, and marriage is viewed the same way. The only way we are to blame is not teaching our kids the values that we had instilled in us.

Answer 8

It is very sad, when you see the very fabric of society, breaking down. I hope that you will read the post I have just put up about Australia Elections, held today.

When the family breaks down, the very foundations of a nation stand in terrible danger. And this is, unfortunately, yes, due to us.

We can also lay the blame, on the people in Government, for not putting the family, and their needs, in schooling, funding,help for the youth and the elderly. For the control they have, even coming into our very homes, where we are told how to bring up our own children.

For taking God out of the schools, and the list goes on. It is up to the people, to stop wanting never ending possessions, neglecting what is going on in our countries, and the Media, for allowing the Government to control them, so that the people are actually allowed to hear the truth. Right now Democracy is dead. Wars are being fought under false pretences, and young men and women are dying, for a cause based on greed, the greed of the rich, at the expense of the poor. And placing such heavy burdens on the people, one can understand why, marriages are breaking down.

Thank you, for a very good, intelligent and probing post.

Answer 9

I've been married just over 30 years. One thing to consider is the ease of divorce. My U.S. state was the 1st "no-fault" divorce state and you can literally get separated, divorced and re-married on the same day. It's too easy to get out of a marriage and the Courts do not even have the power to say "no" to a request for a divorce. Second, when we were married, we had been together for 4 years; had pre-marriage counseling through the church and our parents emphasized it was forever and "for better and for worse" actually had a meaning.

Answer 10

C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S ! ! (42 here) marriage "used" to be a life commitment -- now it's a "we'll try it for awhile and see how it works out", plus the "free sex" irresponsible, inconsiderate age ushered in during the civil unrest of the 60's, and morality being thrown out the window. The wild oats we sewed have produced improved wilder hybrids.

Answer 11

In our case, I think we were meant to be, but not at an earlier age. I believe when we met and married, we had both learned how to compromise and to give and take; how to talk and how to listen; we shared the same interests, and we both are empathic to others in sorrow. We both love to cuddle and hold hands, and our physical relationship is a good one.

We've been married 25 years, and each anniversary is a blessing at our age (we are both 67, headed hard toward a new number).