Critique ze poem please!?

Question

please tell me what ya think? whether or not it makes any sense to you... whether u can relate to it?
to me its about that hidden burden all of us bear behind our facade. I was actually hoping i could get your interpretations
of bits that maybe mean something to you...

Abyss

The blistering sun shines endlessly on
Stretched out as far as my tired eyes can see
The wind blows swift, the willows yawn
As silence echoes through the chasm deep

I see reality through a haze
My thoughts are painted black
The carefree world outside’s at peace
I can’t go forward, nor turn back***

Opaque and battered the walls enclose
The familiarity intact
Sealing off Life’s precious offerings
Yet Hope seeps through the cracks

Whispers and voices resonate through my prison
Pierce through with searing pain
Showers of blessing turned dust, blur my vision
The cold truth falling on me like rain

We’re more than friends… we’re brothers”
he said And held me in a cold embrace
A sacrificial lamb for another
Blinded by its fall from grace

That elusive light at the end of the tunnel
So close, yet so far astray
Instead of her soft touch, all i feel is the gravel
an inkling of hope leading me astray

The jeering laughs and fingers point
With strong accusing glares
The silhouette of the silver lining
Turns grey, the colour of despair

The endless abyss we travel through
Life’s uncongenial ways
Scream lashing out towards our walls
Until the break of a new day

Answer 1

ze critique:
It could be converted into a nice piece of poetry, but as is the poetic value is low, although the subject is beyond average. The meter tends to jump from long to short and back several times with no particular iamb count or rhythm. The rhyming needs some work also, and it may be a typo, but astray shouldn't be used as a rhyme for astray. I feel you meant to say 'so far away' instead, but maybe not. Your words paint a picture in my mind, but I had to work to form it due to the nature of the rhythmic randomness, and I feel you can convert this into something very good with a little editing to get the meter and flow, and rhythm back into sync. Good luck.
Dondi

Answer 2

Very good imagery.
I would leave off the first part and start with

I see reality through a haze.
My thoughts are tinted black
A carefree world outside at peace
Restricts my passage back
Whispered voices throughout my prison
Stir with searing pain
The distant blessings blurring my vision
In showers of disdain

Answer 3

I agree with the previous post. It need some work but has potential to be a good poem. My poems are never done, I am always changing them. Keep it up.

Answer 4

Your iambic pentameter is far off. Too wordy and breathy. Are you looking to get a message throughout or appear shrewd? (P.S. - If you desire to appear shrewd, drop phrases like iambic pentameter in to the combination) PPS - Just learn the assessment above me and virtually died choking on my possess vomit. Ugh. Are you this woman's boss or what? Does she get the lift?

Answer 5

Well I really like it and think it is Very good. You should have it published. good going