With another married man at work? I want to quit my job, but I'm staying there because I need the health care and money and I can't afford to find another job right now. But I keep missing and longing for someone else who is not my husband. This other man at work, I think he no longer cares for me, but I still do.
What should I do? I don't want to hide it from my husband, but if I tell him the truth, I don't know what will happen.
2007-11-23 14:27:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Stop ALL contact with this other man. No personal conversations, messages, lunches, emails, NOTHING. Keep it strictly business. Completely withdraw yourself from him. Those feelings will fade and you will see him for what he is, a man who was willing to destroy your marriage. This other man has been a fantasy, he had no real responsibilities, he didn't really have to meet any of your real needs, just the romantic game away from all the real life issues. Your husband has been at home, loving you and dealing with real life also. If you were single, would you tolerate the type of relationship you had with this other man? Most likely not, but because it was forbidden and had to be kept secret, he didn't have to provide much. Maybe you started requiring to much from him and he withdrew. Some men seek out married women because they know they will not have to do many things for her.
Honor your husband by doing this. Work on building stronger personal boundaries. Work on understanding what you need from your husband and meeting each other's emotional needs at home.
In the mean time, keep looking for another job. You can get health care elsewhere. Get busy and start at least looking.
Your husband will be hurt, very hurt. He will have trouble trusting you, especially while you still work with this man. You will see his hurt and anger, it will be difficult to have to face your own actions. So often, affairs tend to come to light. Someone gets careless. Other people at your work notice, you may think they don't, but it's usually obvious. Someone tells. Your husband may require you change jobs. You will have to earn trust again.
Work on you. Work on your marriage. Consider finding a counselor certified in marriage/couples counseling. Use this to motivate you to build a stronger marriage.
Some books:
"Falling in Love, Stay in Love" by Dr. W. Harley
"Hedges, Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It" by J.Jenkins.
A yahoo group site with lots of helpful links and article in FILES about affair recovery. Simple to join, then look in files.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html
2007-11-24 06:19:08 · answer #1 · answered by joyh 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What good would it do?
The other guys doesn't care.... why torture your husband with something that is only in your mind... it's not like you were acting on your thoughts were you?
Imagine how will he feel... specially if you still work there... best move?... find another job, when you have the new job then you tell him and tell him that's the reason you quit, because it made you feel bad to have those thoughts.
Anyways... you could lose his trust and may not be able to get it back.
2007-11-23 15:12:34 · answer #2 · answered by BitterSweet 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you haven't done anything have you? You let your feelings go and thats it?
I think maybe mention to him you feel like somethings missing in your life because you recently caught yourself wanting the attention of another man, nothing happened but you kind of wish it could have? If you think your lonely or missing something and you have a good strong open relationship with your husband I think you two can work through this together, unless you would like to try fixing this feeling without telling him and just not allow it to happen again.
It sounds like you may have a good solid open relationship with your husband and maybe your in your late 30s or 40s and you want to feel attractive, like your not old, but still very much full of life. You desire the attention maybe? Other men can fill that void, but I doubt you will agree after you have the other man, I think you will probably regret it, and wish you had worked on your exsisting relationship.
The fact that you want to tell him the truth shows your bond is strong just has a missing link, and that can easily be revived so to say. I wouldn't give up on the two of you, thats for sure. I would also let go of the feelings for the other man and spark the fire you had with hubby again.
Maybe have more special moments together, more memorable moments. You ever hear this?
"Life is not measured but the breaths that we take but by the moments that take our breath away!"
Create those moments with your hubby. Have more intimate times, find time, be creative.
2007-11-23 14:43:10 · answer #3 · answered by darlin 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
OK, fantasy is normal - and I am glad for your sake and the sake of your marriage that you and this other man never ended up acting upon anything. You state yourself that this other man no longer seems to have feelings for you. So let it go and this is how: All the energy and fun you thought about having with this other person - now put all that into fantasizing about your husband....like remembering the butterflies in your stomache when you first met; your first kiss together, first date, wedding day, first anniversary.....Just a few things to get you started.
Marriage these days is taken soooo for granted. If you don't want to become just another statistic of divorce, you CAN grow new and exciting feelings for your husband again.
2007-11-23 14:38:18 · answer #4 · answered by Dana C 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No. What would be the point?
Here is what I would suggest. Keep yourself out of any situation that might end up turning physical (no dinners after work alone with this guy, etc). You might think he no longer cares for you but given the right situation ...things could get hot and heavy.
Now think about the hurt and pain on your husbands face if he ever found out that you betrayed him..do you have that image in your head? Close your eyes and feel his pain for a moment. Now open your eyes..
That should be enough to keep you based in reality for awhile.
2007-11-23 14:47:56 · answer #5 · answered by A M 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
So, what are you going to tell your husband? That you made an *** out of yourself at work by flirting with and longing for another guy who ended up rejecting you? After your husband laughs, then what are you going to do?
2007-11-23 15:17:35 · answer #6 · answered by Sondra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No matter how much you need the job you need to put in your notice now. You need to find another job.. you need to get some counseling to get some help for you problems with being faithful.... and you need to try to make sure you husband never finds out about this.
Then focus on being the wife you promised him you would be and become someone you can respect.
2007-11-23 14:52:25 · answer #7 · answered by az_mommma 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I do not think you should tell him,but if you are stuck in the situation that you are in then you should really think about getting some counseling.Who knows,maybe you and your husband could be happy again. Just give it a try!
2007-11-23 14:37:55 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
Its really hard to say weather to tell you husband. but if you really made a mistake, he needs to know. I t sounds lilke the other guy had no love for you What does this other guy have to offer? I would stay where I am if I am happy.
2007-11-23 14:50:08 · answer #9 · answered by mybudnoobs 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You have to live with the consequences of messing around be it physical or emotional your husband deserves to know you owe him that much. Grow up and realize that you may have just destroyed your life and your marriage for nothing.
May God forgive you.
2007-11-23 14:37:29 · answer #10 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋