What do you think of my poem?

Question

This is about hobos. My mom said it was very cliche and disconnected. I'm 14. What do YOU think? Please be honest. Harsh, even. TELL ALL. Also, what should I call it? Pennies on the track? Gum on a sidewalk? Thanks for your time.

Here it is:
You sit on the sidewalk, reflecting in your isolation
People toss pennies on the tracks
They flatten out, and small children are amused
Oh how you wish that they were yours.
Not a glance comes your way as your heart begins to ache
Excruciating pain, and nobody can see
You grip your chest with weathered hands
But still it does not ease
And people pass and laugh and joke
But you are left unnoticed
Like a discolored peice of gum on that sidewalk
People walk over you
And They simply think you're gross
The cardboard signs, the rotten meals
But still you have your tears
And you are human just like them
But all they see is grime
All they see is broken bones and hopelessness and stubble
Eye contact is something unspoken of

And speaking is unspoken of
You pine for conversation
And You never quite understand
How people commit such heartless acts
How people are immersed in their own lives
And how they forget that you are life
They watch you but don't see you

Answer 1

Wow This is the best poem i have seen for quite sometime,You expressed his feelings just like he would think; and do,You have a big future in poetry; and i salute you .Here is a star ; for this piece of art..I cannot believe by your writing's that your only 14 ys old,., Keep writing poems your wonderful. edit; a lot of people like this jerk above me thinks that if someone is outside with a sign ; and dirty asking for money; there a bum; no.I know several people that are homeless and they got came back from iraq and they lost their will to live ; as they seen so much death and horrors of war,They are homeless; but it doesn;t give people the right to spit or beat them down' as were all human' and we all bleed red blood.Thank-you for caring.,.,

Answer 2

I have seen answers here by some people whom I have admiration for their opinions, but in this case, we have to disagree just a bit. I like what it is you are saying here, it's something that needs to be said. Now, since you have the basic subject down so well, try to give it a flow and rhythm so that it will have a poetic 'bounce' when being read. Rhyme isn't necessary, but meter would make it 200 percent better. Count syllables in each line and set up a repeating pattern. That way the reader will be able to read it and the rhythm and flow will make the words fall together better. There is talent here, but it needs to be refined. Thanks for sharing. Also a short comment to the answerer who hates bums because they chose the life they have.... Not all of them chose to be homeless or bums. Some had it forced on them by high and mighty people who would probably die if they had to do it. People have to do what is required to survive.
Dondi

Answer 3

There's talent here and I'd encourage you to continue writing more poems.
These lines reflect a lot of creative imagination:

How people commit such heartless acts
How people are immersed in their own lives
And how they forget that you are life

And there's a lot of wisdom behind this:

But still you have your tears
And you are human just like them

You can call it "Voiceless by the sidewalk"

good luck

Answer 4

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It doesn't necessarily have to rhyme but it needs to hit my emotions. I think clarity of expression is important as well. I don't like to second guess what I'm reading about. I always look for what I term "poetic gems"in the text.

Answer 5

Not a poem sorry, its more a random choice of words, I feel like you have a targeted response, you want to be a great writer of poetry but your mis-directed, try slow down and think about what your saying within the text rather than poring your emotions onto the page.

Answer 6

It is astoundingly brilliant and picturesque! I think you should call it Discarded Souls or Dreams of an Invisible Person. Whatever you call it, keep writing!

Answer 7

I like it! It kinda shows a homeless' person side of life.

Answer 8

it seems more like a pity letter to a bum than a poem. i didnt like it and i dont like bums. its their fault for giving up on life.

Answer 9

WOW. that's all I can say. it's great.