I have been married for three years. My marriage has been one issue after another. My husband has lied about money, birthdate, phone calls, work issues, child custody issues, parental issues and many other things. My husband also starting talking with another women only after six months of marriage. He then didn't know what he wanted. He left for several days. My trust was broken and I talked him into marriage counseling. He went for awhile by himself. I attended a few times. I wasn't aware of any issues concerning our marriage. Now, the lying continues such as watching pornos and lying that he didn't do it. He has an issue pertaining to being able to tell the truth honestly. My personality is tell me and we'll work through it. I love my husband, but my self esteem is lower than it has ever been. I always wonder whether he will astray. On the other hand he is a good husband with kids and he wants everyone to see he has a good wife. Suggestions?
2007-11-23 10:02:40 · 8 answers · asked by tiger25526 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
LETTING GO
It is good to be a seeker, but sooner or later you have to be a finder. It is only then that you will be able to give the gift of yourself to someone in the world who is willing to accept it. If you are trying to change or accept anything about yourself or your life, the best place to start is to learn the art of letting go. You will need this skill every day of your life, so learn and practice; practice and learn.
Learning how to let go is the beginning of knowledge. Wisdom is found in the actual act of letting go. If you argue with that statement, think back to all the times you tried to let go and failed. Each time you failed, you learned something. When you finally made it, you were wiser, weren't you? You could know everything there is to know about letting go, but until you do something until you act on knowledge it is useless. Knowledge is learning how to let go, wisdom comes after you have done it.
This is a little story about letting go and gaining strength. I have personally referred back to this story many times over the years and it has carried me through what could have been more painful and difficult situations and relationships in my life.
Human nature can be a funny thing sometimes. You and I are so different, yet so much alike. I think sometimes you wonder if I really understand the things that you feel or are going through. YES, I've been there, usually out of fear, need or greed, nonetheless... I've been there. I have done exactly what you are doing. Like you, I usually had to be pushed out or have it become so unbearably painful that I have no other choice, then I would let go.
I am often reminded of how a Gulf Coast Blue Crab grows. When it outgrows its present shell, it has to shed this old shell and grow a new one. IT HAS TO LET GO COMPLETELY, hold on to absolutely nothing all the way down to its fingers and claws. It has to let go of the struggle itself.
But can you imagine having a choice in this situation? I am afraid I would want to hang on to the old comfortable shell until the end...wouldn't you? Just think of yourself, knowing that to live, you have to let go of your comfort. familiarity and protection. But also knowing that to stay in the old shell would limit you so to the point that eventually you would suffocate and die.
Growth for the crab is very difficult. It has to risk shedding its old familiar shell, become a soft crab again and be vulnerable. To survive, it has to go to the bottom, go into the mud and be associated with other crabs also on the bottom. The surviving crab must learn to have faith that its shell will become firmer and larger each hour. It develops a faith in its pain while it is growing and maturing and learns to believe that it will be prepared for what is currently unknown to it.
For me, letting go is an ongoing process. I don't know why it is so difficult to let go, until I begin to hold on to something or someone again. I not only hold on to people, places or things, I hold on to beliefs; beliefs that worked for years but are no longer useful to me.
The crab story helps me understand that for the rest of my life I will be growing and like it or not, there with be changes taking place and with these changes there might be pain. What surprises me is that I can sometimes let go and experience the feelings with excited about what is in the future for me.
Sometimes I can't wait to shed my shell, learn what I need to learn and get the old shell behind me. I hope that you can relate to some of this. When someone is trying to shed their shell, they are also trying to grow. If you don't let go, you may one day find yourself holding on to an empty, dying old shell. When we cling on to someone else, we slow him or her down and ourselves as well. To let go of another person, you must have no suggestions for them whatsoever; no arguments; no "if you would only"; no "someday you will"; no "nothing!" You have no advice for him/her, nothing more to teach or learn from this person. Remember, any struggle, any "you ought to‘s" any "you shoulds" any "anything" will keep you both where you are right now... struggling to get out of a shell that no longer fits. You have no solutions for anyone else at this moment in time. This is about YOU and YOUR growth.
We simply must shed our own shells and grow. Remember, down to the ends of your fingers and claws, you must release any thought of holding on. Just think of letting go, growing stronger moving on with your life and experiencing what the world has waiting for you. You may let go just so much, feel the fear of the unknown and want to cling on more than ever before. Not so, this is your time to grow and be strong. Remember, you have no suggestions on when and how someone else should shed their shells and grow. This is about YOU and YOUR growth.
When you finally let go or get kicked off enough times, you will go through the pain and begin growing your bright, clean, beautiful, new larger shell. This time you will be free. Free enough to swim wherever you choose, with knowledge enough to guide you there. You will have a shell large enough to feel confident in yourself and to grow within. You will be so beautiful that others will ask you how you got that way. They will want to learn from you how to let go of their old shells that have become too small to live in so that they too can grow and experience a wonderful life.
An important thing to remember and think about, just to keep you humble. One day you will outgrow this beautiful new shell. However, each time you have outgrown a shell, you will go through some pain, but it will never be as difficult or as painful as the first time.
I PROMISE
2007-11-23 10:08:04 · answer #1 · answered by Smart Nurse 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
wow...you sound like me...mine is good with the kids and supports us well, as long as I turn a blind eye to the lying and cheating...when he gets caught, he lies more to cover up his lies...we went to counselling and he lied there too, which showed me he had no desire to get better, or still hadn't admitted he had a problem...5 years later, I have few friends and absolutely no self esteem, spirit or identity...
we are separated now, and he still lies...so in answer to your question...you don't help him...you help yourself!
someday you'll draw the boundary and realize that it's no way to live...he is NOT a good husband, and just because he shows you off or is good with the kids is no reason to suffer through his crap...good luck to you.
2007-11-23 10:16:16 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry to read your story. You cannot help him.
A liar is a liar is a liar is a liar.
It is not your fault. Get out of the situation as soon as possible, which I fear may be awhile, as I am guessing that your children are young.
Do not let him manipulate you, like showing you off as though he cares... He doesnt. Good luck
2007-11-23 10:25:30 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How long did you date?Seems like you would have found out what he was like before saying "I DO" but as it is, tell him he either quits lying and straightens up or your divorcing.
There is a reason for all his past troubles and it wasnt the women's fault.Sounds like he is just a sex pervert who will do any girl who will drop her panties and this takes lying, a LOT of lying.
I dont think you are the problem.
2007-11-23 10:10:55 · answer #4 · answered by Joe F 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
*You really can't help him! He has to want to change! Then if he does change he will have to win back your respect* Counseling is a must if there is to be any hope for your marriage! The best of luck to you*
2007-11-23 13:34:10 · answer #5 · answered by Me 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Once he starts the lying, then you'd better believe that he would be out that door. If he is a consistent liar, it is best that you leave him. It will not get better. You will be the only one hurt.
2007-11-23 10:10:46 · answer #6 · answered by †Evonne† 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before you do anything else, fix your lack of self esteem. I recommend therapy. All your problems hing on you lack of self worth.
Good luck. I will pray for you.
2007-11-23 10:07:34 · answer #7 · answered by box of rain 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he lies now he always will! Unless he wants to be open and bring everything to the table.
2007-11-23 10:10:44 · answer #8 · answered by ZAZAMA 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He seem to be doing alot of damage. I think you might need to let go and leave him. I don't think he would ever change.
2007-11-23 15:14:15 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋