Am I being taken advantage of?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for 21 months, living together for about 14 of those months. Every time the subject of marriage comes up he blows it off just as quickly, saying "I'm in no hurry.. not for me.. etc"

I know right now it is not a good time, he is going through a hard time financially. And I am in no hurry either, but it seems like he's saying it's never going to happen. I am good enough to spend all my hard earned money paying the rent, buying the groceries, etc. But not to ever make a commitment to? I feel almost as if once things improve for him, he'll be gone.. to find someone better. I feel like I am being used! I just want to know if it's ever a possibility, or if this relationship is simply going nowhere.

I am not willing to make a compromise on this, and I won't force him to do it if it's something he doesn't want for his future. If I compromise, I will simply be filled with resentment and that won't make the situation any better.

Answer 1

Hope your not Cindy and living with Jim. If so, I have bad news. He told me about 6 months ago that he does not have to buy milk because he owns a cow

Answer 2

I think that he may just be going through a hard time right now. But that doesn't mean that he isn't using you just because of that. But if he has ever said that marriage is not for him, then that means that he just doesn't see himself ever getting married. Or maybe it is you. I have heard of guys saying stuff like that to one girl and then marrying another. He just may be afraid to hurt you by saying one way or another. If nothing else exists between you there should at least be a strong friendship from being around each other for so long. Maybe he just doesn't want to risk losing that. Or maybe he is afraid that you will kick him out on his sorry butt. You should talk to him about it though. Use caution. There is a strong chance that you might get hurt.

Answer 3

You've lived together for 14 months without a committment for marriage - not a ring as much as a "yes, we'll get married someday".
I'd say he's not going to marry you.
You definitely should NOT be paying all the bills.
What does he do with the money he has?
You either have to accept that or move on.
It won't be easy, but you'll be happier in the long run.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Trust your gut instinct. If it feels like he might fly the coop once things improve in his life then you are probably 100% correct. So why not approach him and have a mature and open minded honest conversation. At this time you can let him know how you've been feeling and hopefully he will either commit to you for someday down the line or be honest enough to let you know that there is a possibility that he may be long gone once things get a bit better. Best of luck to you and please do listen carefully to your guy instincts as they are usually wiser then either your head or heart.

Answer 5

I don't know -- it sounds like neither of you are really ready to get married and you say he's in a "financial situation" right now. He may very well love you but a LOT of people aren't jumping into marriage right away anymore. During marriage this same situation can happen -- doesn't mean someone is taking advantage. I think he's just not ready for marriage and that you are asking him just to make SURE you aren't be taken advantage of.....is he giving you ideas he's using you other than this? There must be another reason, possibly that is making you quesiton his motive ???

Answer 6

If you are having these thoughts about someone with whom you are living I think you really need to take some time and think really hard about your relationship and whether you would be better off alone and sit him down and force him to have a serious conversation with you about the future and what his plans are. Tell him that marriage is important to you and find out if he has any plans to "pop the question". If he hems and haws you will have your answer.
Just be honest with him and let him know that this is important to you and this is how you feel and if he feels differently you need to start looking for someone more in line with your values.
Do you have someone in your family you are close to? Mom, grandma, aunt? Some woman you can share these feelings with and ask what they think?
If you think it would help you can try seeing a couple's counselor, but they are expensive and if he's not interesting in marriage there is really nothing a counselor would be able to do about it.

Answer 7

Well, If you feel this way there is a reason. So if that's how you really feel why not be the first one to walk out the door because the longer you stay the more you are compromising your values and slipping to a substandard level. You and your man are not at the same level of commitment at this time and that could be because like you feel that he is waiting for someone better to come ashore.

Answer 8

Is he doing anything at all (except breathing) to contribute to your household?

I totally agree with what you said. You have to stand by your beliefs and if you want marriage, that is nothing to compromise on and if he doesn't, don't force him. At some point, your boyfriend needs to man up and have an honest dialogue about what he wants in his future. Does he want a family, children and most importantly, does he want to marry you? I believe that men know what they want and this guy, as you said, maybe along for the ride.

If you feel you are being used, you probably are. Always listen to your gut feeling because when all is said and done, that's all you have to protect you.

Answer 9

Everything has its timing. He may want to marry you and he may not. Marriage is just one of those things that people don't take to seriously any more, so it's unwise to push him into something he doesn't want. If you can't wait then give him an expiration date. Once that date comes, there's no sense in wasting anymore time on him. But you definately need to have the serious talk and explain your feelings.

Answer 10

You have come across the reason that living together is not wise. The absence or delay of that commitment that marriage offers does not get much better, according to research.
Is moving out an option? You can do that without breaking up, unless you see the need to do so.

Answer 11

You've already compromised yourself. I've heard of love at first sight but you dated for only 7 months then figured it was time to move in together...now you pay his rent & buy him food...he won't even talk about the possibility of a legitimate life together. You're being used; get out (or get HIM out) before you're wore out, busted, heart broke and humiliated.