You're telling lies
You're twisting fate
When I try to get away you stop me
Spinning a web
Of things that you've said
And I'm trapped inside you're words
Freaking me out
Crying out loud
Wishing someone true could here me
Trying to pull through
Forget about you
But you're face won't leave my mind
Time won't dim this pain
Tears pour down like rain
Dispite the things you did
The secrets that you hid
I miss you
2007-11-23 07:27:48 · 7 answers · asked by Sarah Isn't Saving The World 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
nice stuff, could do with a better draft especially with the rhyming. two lines dont sound like two lines but rather like a reiteration so the effect of the rhyme is lost.
2007-11-23 07:32:38 · answer #1 · answered by Christopher H 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's well expressed, although if this is something from your real experience I wish you the best in working through it.
I think you've used rhythm and assonances well.
I find some misspellings jarring, though. That's a minor matter: some people are habitual good spellers, and others need to allow themselves an extra check.
First spelling problem: "you're" (contraction for "you are") and "your" (possessive). The first two lines are correct, but "inside your words" and ":your face" should use the possessive form.
Second: "despite" (not "dispite").
Third: I think you mean "could hear me" rather than "could here me" (unless I fail to catch your meaning entirely).
But aside from these trivial spelling issues, I have no suggestions.
2007-11-23 15:42:28 · answer #2 · answered by Samwise 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
And I'm trapped inside "your" words
Wishing someone true could "hear" me
But "your" face won't leave my mind
(freaking me out - try, they make me crazy)
"Despite" the things you did
(This is just misspelling.)
Time won't dim this pain
Tears pour down like rain
My heart longs to see you again**
Despite the things you did
The secrets that you hid
I want you still,** I miss you
I'd divide it into three lines, with a space and add something at these places.**
Very good. We've all been there. Thank you for sharing.
C. :)!!
2007-11-23 15:46:03 · answer #3 · answered by Charlie Kicksass 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, this is a good, loud poem. It expresses your feelings in one single thread, and then there is an anticlimax in the end. Very well put together.
2007-11-23 16:38:03 · answer #4 · answered by . 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It reads like you have promise and could do better,
freaking me out ----does not sound good in any poem.
2007-11-23 16:43:51 · answer #5 · answered by jenny 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems to justify love partners being inconsiderate jerks.
2007-11-23 17:06:54 · answer #6 · answered by krneel128 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not good...........
2007-11-23 18:34:42 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋