Most people I know with quite low self esteem believe both that they don't matter very much to anyone and also that other people must talk about them all the time (negatively).
It's a strange combination.
2007-11-23 04:16:14 · 12 answers · asked by garik 5 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Maybe I should explain the background to this. I have a good friend with quite low self esteem. I love her dearly, but I do wish she'd stop being convinced that everyone talks, in negative terms, about her all the time. #sigh#
2007-11-23 08:14:19 · update #1
Are you all talking about me?!
2007-11-23 09:37:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Guilty as charged, but then I was singled out for bullying as a child by numerous individuals and I was in fact talked about negatively a lot of the time, and I didn't seem to matter to the people I wanted to matter to at the time - namely, the girls I formed crushes on. I still do get a lot of negative attention from juveniles on the street where I'm living and if it were not for the positive relationships I have formed which help me to withstand this, I might well not wish to remain here. The word "negatively" sums it all up: The fact that those that taunt me might also be jealous of my self-contained composure, does not really make it any easier
2007-11-23 12:31:54 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
I can relate to this question, because I found out it was the cause of my anxiety. It was also why I chose the survival strategy of being a perfectionist and relying upon intellect or gaining wisdom. I can see that my father played a large role in giving me my feeing of low self-esteem. But I don't blame him for it, it was the same thing he learned from his father.
So I think people get conditioned with low self-esteem when their parents don't give them confirmation that they are good, valuable, etc. The children are so used to the parents telling them that they won't amount to anything or are stupid, it is why they are so super sensitive about how other people talk about them. Because their parents were always giving them negative messages, then they assume that everyone else is doing this as well. Because of this it was also the case, that it was always very hard for me to accept that I might not be stupid or might actually have something of value to contribute. It was very hard for me to accept any kind of compliment or confirmation that I was doing good or had done a good job. I could never see that in myself.
Thus you can see also why the person doesn't feel they matter very much to anyone, because the parents never relayed that to the children. The only kind of confirmation I got when I was growing up was mainly through the words of my parents, thus it came from the outside. As this was nearly always critical, then it's natural that I assume everyone else is being the same with me. Later on, this resulted in me becoming anxious around people, and super self-conscious in a room, thinking everyone was giving their critical assessment of myself. It took me quite a bit of self-probing to find that out, but once I did then the anxiety slowly lifted after the insight.
I don't see it's such a strange combination, because I start to see why I feel that way. I've done quite a bit of transpersonal work over the years, and most days I don't feel like I have low self esteem neither that people are talking about me. But sometimes it does pop up again, especially triggered from people that are highly criticial of others, when I read something someone else has wrote or said to me. It's easy for me to take things 'personal' in a conversation, believing they are giving me some kind of criticism, and then I react strong showing the full force of my intellect, which is my childhood strategy to protect myself. This kind of reaction I know to be 'me' giving myself a dose of confirmation that I feel I need to convince myself that I do have something to offer. I get a good feeling by showing my intellect, thus also this good feeling convinces myself I have high self-esteem.
Well, I know this is a game, but I'm aware of it and seek to find a more authentic way to express myself. My mistakes show me the way.
I'm reminded of the phrase I wrote years ago:
Insight seems to lead, feet follow later.
So it's a growing process...
Betsy
2007-11-23 12:47:16 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 9⤊ 0⤋
been there done that! got the t-shirt. I would say there's nothing you can do and i think i would be right in that. Its up to the person with low self esteem to sort out.
tough one
2007-11-23 16:55:06 · answer #4 · answered by wave 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Because they lack self confidence. So they star imagining all the negative things others would say or talk about them.
2007-11-23 12:22:06 · answer #5 · answered by Snowy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
In their inner thoughts, they are harshly criticizing themselves all the time. Then they project the same harshness into everyone else.They're so focused on their own negative qualities that these bad qualities become incredibly exaggerated in their minds. And they feel everyone else notices them as well.
2007-11-23 12:31:40 · answer #6 · answered by Marina 7 · 10⤊ 1⤋
I always thought that it was that no one is actually interested enough to talk about you. So why would anyone want to talk about you if you don't exist.
2007-11-23 13:10:11 · answer #7 · answered by : 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ears bending?
The messages are called "ideas of reference". Do not tell the shrinks because they will call it "delusions of reference" and lock you up.
2007-11-23 12:24:25 · answer #8 · answered by Perseus 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think we must share the same friend.
2007-11-23 18:18:12 · answer #9 · answered by resignedtolife 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
thats why i packed up playing rugby?
at every scrum down i thought they were all talking about me..
2007-11-23 12:27:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋