Am I crazy to leave my hubby b/c of a past haunting?

Question

My hubby use to raise his ex's little girl til she was about 6.She moved away to live with her real dad but is now coming back to Seattle.This girl has contacted his family and spent Thanksgiving w/them. I have alot of bad memories about her and her mom and the hell they put me through. Not leaving my husband out b/c he usually took their side(dont know why I stayed w/him!stupidity I'll admit!)He even put that little girl before our own daughter who is a year younger. Since hearing of this, I am haunted by my past. There is alot of anger I have towards him for our past and what he did to us.Its been bothering me so much that I dont even want to be w/him anymore. We now have more children and I know he loves them with all his heart and they to him. Thats whats been stopping me from leaving him. I hate him so much right now that these memories are on my mind and I want OUT!!

Plz dont suggest counseling b/c even though hes says Im crazy, I know in my heart that once he sees one of the two,he will just be the person he used to me and side with them! Its been 9yrs but its just a feeling I have!

Well lets just say that he was NOT ready to let her go and would run to her everytime she called him. I was just a stupid rebound! And no, she had this little girl from cheating on him.

Answer 1

You may not want to hear this...but you should see a counselor or therapist so you can deal with the feelings you have....evidently you have let these feelings fester and they are coming to the surface once again because his ex and her daughter are coming back into your husband's life.....If you really don't want to seek outside help...then you probably should leave him...

Answer 2

If he raised that little girl until she was about six..then he was probably the closest thing to a real dad that she had..and she was "his" child regardless of sperm donation.

I have a nephew that I raised...he is 25..and I did not give birth to him..but he IS...MY ...baby!

You don't say what kind of hell they put you thru at all. Maybe you were the reason for him and his ex's breakup? Maybe she was just a nutjob that you had to deal with.

Either way..it is NOT this little girls fault. She was a child...and if she was evil and horrible she was what the adults in her life made and allowed her to be.

She must be at least 15 now...give her another chance and wash away her sins..because she didn't have any. Six year olds are horrible rotton people to start with when they live in the best of circumstances.

You have more children with this man...I think you need to look at the BIG picture...how this decision would affect your children. how you would feel to know that you left over a problem nine years old.

Over the years we mature. The decisions we make when we are 25 are almost always not the same ones we would make in the same circumstances when we are 35.

Examine if your husband has matured. If you have matured. How you treated this child when she was an innocent little girl. How he treated your children over the years. If you would have expected your husband to have treated you and your children if you had been in this little girls and his ex's position.

I understand having hauntings. I have more than my share. But you cannot kneejerk at them..or you will be the only one hurting.

Answer 3

Why would you go against counseling just because of a feeling? People change and you're not giving HIM an opportunity to change and correct his past mistakes and possibly your own if you shut out counseling. What do you want us to tell you then? It almost sounds like you asked this question to valdate your own feelings.

I think it's very sad in your question how you claim that a 6 year old child put you through hell. The mother situation I can understand, but the child? At that age children are still figuring out right from wrong, I find it very hard to believe that she would intentionally do you any harm. Don't blame a kid for your husband's and his ex-wife's mistakes. If you're still angry about something that happened in the past then you need to do something to let that go. And I have a feeling that even if you leave your husband, you still won't let go of that anger. So why not figure out what's eating you up inside and fix that? Something had to have made you love your husband and when you take vows to marry someone it's supposed to be through thick and thin. Even if your partner makes a mistake. The fact that you seem so unwilling to make it work is very sad, for your marriage and the children you both share.

Answer 4

So are you saying that this child is not even his child?

He hasn't seen her in 9 years?? So she'd be 15 years old now??

Do you think that she is just thankful for having him around when she was younger - with no other daddy in sight? He'd been a part of her life for the first 6 years - that is huge! Of course she doesn't want to totally forget about him. Don't worry so much this time around though, she has been apart from him for a long time. She is probably not looking for the same type of relationship, more just like a reunion.

What happened in the past would bother me too, there is no need for an ex to be still in the picture, especially if they do not have a child together, just remember this little girl was like his child. He does need to put his wife and children first though. I think you should really talk to him about how it made you feel last time and tell him your fears about it happening again. Don't get upset with him, stay calm and let him know exactly how it makes you feel. Of course the thoughts of her coming back into your life are going to bring up all these terrible emotions, you and your family should be stronger this time around to deal with them better.... don't let it get the best of you!

Answer 5

Good work.

Nothing quite so disgusting as being told that your wife is leaving because of "feelings" based upon memories from years ago.

I will not suggest couples counseling. i will suggest that you go get some individual therapy in order to determine where your head is at.
You really need to figure out what the source of this anger is because you are carrying around a significant grudge regarding this child.
You have essentially said that he agreed with his ex regarding her CHILD, you did not agree and have been pissed off about it for years. Yet you stayed with him AND had more children with him. NOW you are leaving because she is moving back nearby? What exactly is he supposed to do here? What has he done wrong to make you hate him today? Why do you suppose that he will change "back" into the person he was? Is that because you are a person who is carrying some kind of unresolved issues around in your head for YEARS?
Your husband may be right, you may be crazy.

You have some serious problems. Get some therapy soon.

FYI stupid rebounds do not last 9 years. It is well past time for you to get over it. He left her and went with you. You apparently have never taken that rebound chip off your shoulder. Don't you think this is a little past due?
Do you not find it more than a little unfair to say he was not over her after he left her but continued to try to take care of her and his daughter for a time? All of that when compared to YOUR not getting over something from 9 years ago? That would be something that was not really your problem in the first place. You have ended up with a longer marriage and more children with this man than she had. I fear the only person still affected by this past is you.
Really, get some therapy. You really need a disaffected person to tell you face to face how seriously off base you are.

Answer 6

I know how it feels, in fact many of us do. You are in a blended family situation and it is really the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I am doing it though. First you need to educate yourself so that you fully understand what you are living with....believe it or not your husband is the same as many who have remarried with children...he is stuck in the middle of this whole thing and doesn't know what to do either. Read about blended family issues...find all that you can on line...the book Divorce poison by Warwick is great and then finally....I found that I just could not handle it by myself...I have started counseling with a blended family counselor...I can't tell you how much this has helped my husband and I....her email address is [e-mail] I highly recommend her.

If you just don't love him anymore then you should leave....if it the pain of this one thing that is driving you away...then you prpbably shouldn't. Even though it is not a child by him and she came to him through his exes affair...although I think it is weird also....they bonded and he loved this kid.....it was just a kid after all and for some reason he really liked her. this would freak me out too.....email this therapist, put it all down and see what response you get from her.....good luck...I feel sorry for you right now, I know that there is no worse feeling.

Answer 7

Nine years is a long time and his feelings could have changed. In addition, his kid is now 15, nothing at all like a 6 year old. She might be a hellcat or she may be a very mature, sensible young woman. However, he shouldn't have put his kid before you or yours. In fact, he should put you ahead of ALL the kids and you do the same. Why? The kids will eventually leave the home leaving just you and him to at the supper table. If you two have put the kids first throughout the marriage, you two won't have any kind of relationship at all to fall back on. In fact, you probably won't even be able to carry on a conversation that isn't kid, job or household related. He needs to be given an ultimatum, either you come first or you leave and he'll be paying child support out the wazoo. The money thing should wake him up. But remember, if he agrees you in return must promise to put him first. If you can't do that, don't expect him to and you might as well call it quits now.

It's obvious you're still bitter/hold a grudge/won't let bygones drop/are obsessed with it and may be directing anger and resentment you have/had toward his kid onto him. If you were doing that when the girl was young and living with you, his actions may very well have been in reaction to yours. It's VERY common for the new wife to resent or feel threatened by the guy's kids from a previous marriage even before the kids have done anything to warrant it. She's afraid the new husband will put his kid before them and the woman's consious or unconsious behavior causes the guy to do exactly that. Does that sound familiar? For just a moment, you may want to reflect and consider the possibility you resented his kid from the very beginning. However, after so many years of seething resentment toward him, it's doubtfull you can even begin to see any faults of your own. If he truely did act the way you say he did, he's never going to treat you or yours fairly and that's what you have to look forward to for the rest of your days. But before you jump off the deep end and split your family wide open (take my word for it, kids are the ones who suffer in a divorce, not the parents), you might want to at least talk TRUTHFULLY to a counselor and consider the possibility you may be focusing unwarranted anger toward him and his kid. You could have some clinical depression issues you don't know about and no, you won't be able to see that from your perspective. Depression blinds you toward seeing your own faults. I know from experience (my dad) that long term depression causes the sufferer to make mountains out of molehills and to focus that anger and resentment toward the person closest to them (my mom). Just out or curiosity, did YOUR dad have a favorite child that just happened to NOT be you? If so, way down deep are you still angry toward him or that sibling? If so, you're NEVER going to feel good about yourself until you get that resolved. Good luck.

Answer 8

And your battle beings!
1st off she isn't 6 anymore it might not be so bad, but then again it could be the end of your marriage.
You & your husband need to make some ground rules, before she shows up, you know what you went through the last time so you also know what to expect.
Also you need to figure out how to get past the anger, it will make you bitter [if it hasn't already] it will cause you not to trust him or have respect for him.
You also need to tell him straight up, what you will not put up with this time. Yea he is going to get mad & definsive & try to make you feel like it is just in your head but he will only do that so that it makes it okay for him to do what he wants.
Another thing you could do when she is around is make sure she spends all her time with you even if you cant stand her, that will keep them from getting close and him wanting to do everything for her.
Good Luck with this it is going to be a tuff road to ride on.

Answer 9

First of all, you HAVE to let go of the past. I know that you are hurt by his behavior, but you have to remember that she is just a child. And while it may seem that he is putting her before yor children, just remember that she will not be there forever and that she wants to enjoy the time that she has with him. Let go of the hate and anger. You may see that you enjoy being around her, after all it isnt her fault what her mom did in the past.

Answer 10

I don't think that he would love that little girl more then his children. He might be feeling very sorry for that little girl because of her having no one to give it love and attention. In your case you should get over your bitter feelings. I am sure that he loves his immediate family very much otherwise he would not be with you.