How do you tell your mom that her husband is cheating on her?

Question

I was at my mom's house for Thanksgiving tonight and her husband let me use his laptop to look up some stuff online. When I started typing stuff in the address bar it auto-filled "marriedsecrets.com." I clicked on it and found his profile with loads of messages asking women to meet him for dinner and drinks. I copied and pasted his profile and all of the messages into emails to myself so I have proof.

My dad died on Thanksgiving 11 years ago, so it's already a really hard time for my mom. I don't feel like I have any choice but to tell her about her husband, but I still have reservations, and I don't know how to broach the subject.

How do you tell someone you love something so devastating? Should I not? Should I wait until after Christmas? I need advice - please!

I'm almost 30, not a kid, and closer to her than anyone else in the world. There's no one I can think of who I'd ask to tell her instead of me having to do it.

I'm not making excuses for her husband by any means, but I don't think he's an inherently bad guy or a serial cheater. I think he feels like he can never live up to her expectations, and that she's always comparing him to my deceased father. There may still be something to salvage. But cheating is wrong in any case and obviously he's not trustworthy. I guess my heart is just breaking for my mom and I'm groping for a way to soften the blow.

Answer 1

Situations like this are never easy. But I totally agree with you, she needs to be told. She, like anyone else, has the right to know the truth. To wait is not going to make this any easier on her. If it were me, I'd want to know ASAP, so that I could get it over with and move on. Certainly it will be devastating for her, it would be for anyone. She is very lucky to have a daughter/son like yourself. You can't make this go away for her, but you can give her all your love and support. Good luck, I do not envy you in this situation.

Answer 2

You could send her the stuff you copied and pasted anonymously and then just be there for her if she chooses to confide in you. This may be embarrassing for her and she may want to deal with it on her own until she comes to terms with it. But no matter how you do it you MUST tell her. You have a moral obligation, she is your mother. It is a tough spot to be in but can you imagine the guilt you would feel if he would go meet one or more of these women and bring back a STD to your mom?? Especially if it were like herpes or AIDS?? You would feel so bad because you would know that you could have done your part in preventing it by telling her. For her health you have to tell her. Wouldn't you want her to tell you if it were the other way around??

Answer 3

Whenever I've been stuck in a bad spot like this, and torn between telling a person and not telling someone, I usually ask myself if I would wanna know if it was me. In this particular situation I would print out what you found and just tell her as soon as you find the opportunity. Why drag it out until Christmas? So her cheating husband can carry on with the holidays and act like the family man he IS NOT! I would tell my mom asap and pray that she leaves him. Nobody deserves this. And this is just my opinion, but I have no repect for women or men who forgive their mate for playing these kind of games. If it's happened once it will happen again. People like your moms husband clearly have issues!

Answer 4

You're in a really difficult spot. Why don't you confront her husband with the proof you have? Tell him he'd better let her know what's going on or you will. I'd give him until the new year so she could have some peace during the holiday.
Normally I would say to stay out of this but your poor mom doesn't likely deserve to be stuck with such a creep.

Answer 5

awww im sorry. i think you should tell your mom just what you told us now, or write her a note that says what exactly happened and how it was all accidental. I think you should do it soon because if you wait too long, it might be more hurtful to her, knowing that she spent so much time with him. I know itll be hard, but in the long run, youll be doing your mother good.

Answer 6

wait till after christmas. u have to tell her and its gonna be a huge blow, so if christmas is important to her...let her enjoy it.

My dad cheated on my mom throughout their whole marriage. We didnt know until after they seperated. She said it was the worst feeling in the world to think you know someone and love that person, and it turns out their not who u thought they were and dont luv u back.

Although it will hurt her, she will rise above it eventually. and she will be gratefull that she knew now instead of 10yrs from now.
good luck.

Answer 7

Yikes!

I would tell her after the holidays. No sense in ruining them for her and the rest of the family for all time.

But in the mean time, as you already have the evidence, I'd let this assbag know that you know and make him squirm for a while.

Answer 8

If your mother's husband is good to your mom, you need to let him know that if he does not tell her, you will. Be very cautious since you do not know how he will react, some people go crazy when caught. If you feel he may, I would find a way to let your mother know as gently as possible. You may need more family support.

Answer 9

Marriedsecrets

Answer 10

I think you should tell her exactly the way it happened, just like you told us. Do you think she suspects anything at all? Waiting until after Christmas will have to be your call...whether you can live with it that long or not. But you have to tell her. I know that would be ridiculously difficult, but you have to tell her. Just like you would want someone to tell you, you need to tell her.