What do you do if your husband doesn't want to have sex?

Question

My husband and I have had some pretty serious problems (suspected cheating by him...almost separated) in our marriage over the past year or two. We ended up working things out and have been doing really good for the past few months, but I'm still very insecure about our relationship. Now, he doesn't seem to be all that interested in having sex. He used to want sex all of the time, but now I'm lucky if he wants it twice a month. I don't think he's cheating on me now and I don't want him to do anything with me that he doesn't want to do. I just don't know if I should be worried about our marriage.

By the way, we've been together for 14 years, married for 8, have 2 small children and both work full time jobs.

Answer 1

Well, as men get older, age coupled with various things such as stress and such can have a negative effect on his sex drive. Chances are if you try something new and exciting, it can hopefully spark things back up. Go out on the town, and do something risque in the car or something. Its up to you, just exercise your imagination, and the sky is the limit. Try being dominant, don't let him say no.

Answer 2

Judging from what you two have been through I'd say that he has not come over the problem you had together yet. Such wounds never heal... that does not mean that you cannot go on loving each other and living together and enjoying your life - but your hearts have been scratched and as I said, the wound will never be healed...

I think you should give him some time to get over the whole awkward situation now... I mean, since your problems were based on suspect ion of cheating, he now has developed a negative attitude towards sex. Maybe he doesn't even know that he has...

So as I said, give him time...
And also, try to make sex more exciting after giving him some time... by wearing new stuff, perfume... being the one to take the initiative sometimes... doing it on the sofa... I mean, add some excitement to it, and I'm sure that you know him well and you know better than me what's exciting for him.

I'm sure you'll be able to get over time problem with some patience, time, and a little tactics from your side.

Answer 3

Keeping it alive in the bedroom has its challenges. He may be having periods of low self esteem and could use some encouraging words or action by you. Do not force the issue of sex. Work on your intimacy, a call during the day to say I was thinking about you and how is your day. Take a few minutes behind a closed door as soon as you both get home to show him that you couldn't wait to see him. Talking can be hard to do if you both are not willing to step up to the plate. Take time outside of the bedroom and tell him how you feel and ask him what he is thinking about. Be gentle and go slow. While he's eating walk up behind him and rub your fingers through his hair and then whisper that you have a surprise for him later. Be open minded to new positions in your lovemaking. Rent an X-rated movie and watch this with him, I doubt that you will finish the show. Be spontaneous, flirt with him and I can hardly imagine that things will start cooking for you.

Answer 4

Though not vulgar or obscene - the following is adult.

This may sound unfair and one-sided toward the male, but it may save your marriage - are you prepared for that?

Depending on how old you were when married, you're 14 years older and you've had kids and you work and you're tired. I'm not trying to be cruel, just stating the facts. Men are very visually driven. Women are more spiritually driven sexually. So, stand in front of the mirror naked and what do you see?

It doesn't matter to him if he's gained weight - but it will, if you have - and, unless you're a yoga instructor or something similar, I'll bet you have.

Do you still flirt? Dress up? Surprise or tease him? Are you always in a good mood, or has all the BS gotten you down? Have you ever told him you've rented a movie and then, when you turn it on (after the kids are at a neighbor's or gramma's for the night), let him discover it's a racy movie? Not gross, but adult enough to raise the dead ;<)

After 30 years of marriage, I did this one night and my wife admitted, though she initially didn't approve, she stuck it out and it sure worked ;<) And she didn't get up and stomp away. She watched it and we made love like we were kids again. A couple of drinks didn't hurt. We did it more than once.

Unfortunately for us, that wasn't the only problem, two more years did our marriage in. But you've still got time. Time to get in shape. Time to improve your demeanor and time to try things you might not have considered before. Check with the older sales gals at Victoria's Secret for outfits that will cover any less-than-perfect areas, while revealing and emphasizing the good stuff. Get a haircut, rinse and maybe some short-acting highlights - get a wax, your hair dresser will know what you're talking about.

Check out Cosmo.

Get squeaky clean and groom yourself head to toe in the bath or shower and let him watch (you know what I mean - maybe ask him to help in a hard to reach area - especialy if you couldn't afford the wax). Use rouge somewhere you've never thought of before. Then insist he do the same (well maybe with an exception or two - no rouge and "just a trim, please!"). Help him into the bath then massage and wash him.

Sound all driven toward the male? It is, at least until he falls in love again, then perhaps the flowers will come, the sparks will fly (with or without the visual help), you'll start an excercise program together and you'll keep "it" together, too. If not, you've learned some things for the next chapter in your love life. My Ex's boyfirends are benefitting from what I taught that Baptist girl.

BTW I can speak from experience that Viagra and Cialis work. Ask your doc for a sample and let him (your husband, not the doc;<) try it. Don't hurry. If things happen too quickly for him, wait a bit, then go for it again (esp if you've got the Viagra). If not, try the following night. Don't be angry with him - it's been a while and he couldn't help it. But you might show him how to fulfill your needs manually if that happens. And, if that happens, you never know what else might crop up -again.

I'm trying to be discreet, I don't want any problems with YA, but ths is all legitimate husband/wife stuff in the right category.

Remember the visual - and the attitude. Just because he gets all excited watching younger women in an X-rated movie doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Study those younger girls in the movies, don't try to BE them, but emulate some of their sl*tty activities.

With a Viagra and a shot of tequila in him, you may have the most exciting night of your life. Then go from there, thanking those young "movie" stars with all your heart.

From the male perspective ( I feel like Dr Ruth for crying out loud), good luck, sweetie.
-a guy named duh

Answer 5

I have sent you a site you can go to. Sexlessness is getting to be a very serious epidemic in a lot of countries. There are so many reasons and sometimes it is going to take a lot more than sexy clothes or romantic weekends to get to the root of the problem. When you have been with someone for so many years, it gets very difficult to leave simply because the longer we are with someone, the more intertwined our lives become. I was surprised at how many men are sexless with their wives. Life becomes an emotional rollercoaster. As I have said before, the reasons are way too numerous to type here but there are many different groups on-line that have wonderful family type people to talk to. If this helps just one person, then it has been worth it.

Been there, done that.

Answer 6

As a male i can say, if he doesnt want sex anymore he is interested in someone else or already with someone else.
There are exceptions, but c'mon.. who doesnt want sex? Especially if he has been so active in the past.

He could be falling out of love and does not have the balls to tell you. He may figure if he does less and less that you will end what he can not do for whatever reason.

I guess you should come out and ask him what bothers you. You can tell if he is lying, cant you? I for one have never cheated but i have fallen out of love. Those symptoms have applied to me but i didnt stay in the relationship and let her suffer because of me.

Once a cheat always a cheat.. That saying is so true.
Kids in the mix makes it harder. But it only makes it harder on you if he is unfaithful and staying around because of his own needs. I think a straight forward talk is in order.

Answer 7

I was in a similar situation. I would suggest sitting down and discussing it. I mean there is always a solution to your problems. Maybe he doens't feel like you are really ready, and maybe he thinks your sill uncomfortable. Or you could always just plan a getaway weekend, or just get rid of the kids for a night....plan something real romantic and get something new to wear....if your not used to dressing up and being sexy...maybe that's all he needs. Then if nothing works.....I highly suggest counseling...It worked wonders in our marriage..They also have once your marital problems are worked out...Sex Counsling. It is to be open about what you want...but my husband wouldn't go to that. But Honestly...Good LUCK!!! I hope everything works out okay...honestly is always the best policy!!

Answer 8

I would sugest jsut giving him sometime. He may still be stressed out over the strain you two had in your marrige in the past. Men can also tell when we are unsure of things, you need to show your man you are happy you guys worked things out and that you love him. Also try to help him relax, I mean I realize you work all day too but maybe he has something going on at work that is stressing him, try asking him about his day and ask him if you can do anything to help him relax a little.

Answer 9

Give him the benefit of the doubt. working a lot and little kids sex doesn't happen everyday. He might have a good reason y he isn't in the mood. However if it continues than you might wanna confront him about the matter and if he blows you off he might be cheating. So keep an eye out for anything else strange in his behavior.

Answer 10

You should talk to him about it. Be gentle so he doesn't feel like you are attacking him and don't push to hard. It may just be that he is tired or stressed from other reasons besides the problems you have had. Maybe there is a medical problem that he is afraid to talk about because he feels less like a man and needs you to breech the topic. But in the end asking us will not solve the problem you need to ask your husband.

Good luck in your marriage, and I hope your sex life improves.