What do you think of this revised poem, Death time relevance....?

Question

no title really....but revised, thank you Chie for the wonderful advice.


Sitting alone with death

Who came a-knocking at my door

Just a bit ago

To bring me a package that enclosed something I had lost

Long, long ago


You see, that red ribbon flew out of my hands

And time became irrelevant once again

Because this is not the first

And last time

Death has visited me to bring me that ribbon

That might have put things,

In…out of place


Death’s yielding fingers tie the ribbon around my neck

then gallantly exits

Ready….set…go…


I untie the ribbon and with a snap of the wrist

Its gone…

I gladly watch the ribbon stream through the sky

So I may feel deaths brief touch once again

Answer 1

I like it for it's use of colourful grammar, however it is to subjegated, and a little tiresomet o read, overall though well done.

Answer 2

death/Who came a-knocking at my door
Death has visited me to bring me that ribbon
Death’s yielding fingers tie the ribbon around my neck
Ready….set…go…


hauntings .... chronic affliction....fear! Praise the Lord

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