I recieved an obituary last night. My childhood abuser finally died. What should I do now? Tell the world?

Question

I kid you not, got it last night after I signed off. It's a good thing I don't celebrate holidays, or my dinner would have been a flop. I waited for this news my entire life & thought I'd be happy when he died. How does a person deal with the death of a person who has wronged them as a child? Anyone else ever go through this type of a thing? It IS a serious question. This monster was born on an 8 day & died on an 8 day, so I know he's coming back again.

I just wish I could dig up his grave & stomp on his dead body until I have a heart attack & then track down his soul & bind him like the vermin he really is. The "family" waited until now to tell me & he died Oct 7th. Talk about enablers. This one takes the cake.

Yes, after a pricey long distance call, I DID find out that he had a MISERABLE LIFE for the past 25 years & has been in & out of hospitals. This time he got to die at home & the remaining members of his family didn't seem to miss him because he made their lives a living he// too with his constant demands & abuse. I only hope the children didn't have to go through what I did. I have never told them their Father was a monster. I just stayed away. They are all past 50 now. I doubt we will ever talk about this. Just like so many other families...........RUINED BY ABUSE!........and often the abuser is never known to anyone other than their victims.
Communication is the key to freedom in life & on Yahooo Answers.
We need to be able to hear all sides of the issues from everyone or the abuse will only get more hidden & our rights to speak of important subjects will soon disappear from our lives completely.

CJ & Geniepip were my only thumbs down. Condemnation helps no one after abuse has taken place. Thanks for giving it your best shot though. By posting the question, I WAS able to tell the world & today I feel better about life.
All of the honesty made me realize that many of the people that I thought were mean, really had a heart after all! It appears many of us have broken & mended hearts the sometimes spring a leak or two! Thanks to all...even the thumbs downers. I'm glad you shared too. I may not like what you said, but I thank you for your input as it might help someone else with a related problem in their lives. I'm never gonna be perfect & that's fine with me.

Answer 1

hello sheryn.this is a hard question to answer.i did not tell anyone for over 50years & have been ignored ever since.it does'nt matter if this person comes back or not but,if they do there is a great belief that they have a lesson to learn.i have several ways of dealing with very hurtful memories. 1 way,write their name (large print)THEN take it outside and jump all over it, when you feel a little better rip it up in to little pieces put all the pieces into an old saucepan or something safe and set light to it, do it safely,2 find a really large wall or blackboard, wall is best.that really needs painting go off and buy a tin of paint in acolour you really love + a small tin in a colour you hate, write the persons full name D.O.B.in the colour you hate then,paint the whole lot over in a beautiful colour.and they have totally gone....it really works tho.it sounds a bit daft.be happy.

Answer 2

I'm so very sorry that you had to suffer the ills of this person. I do understand your situation, as like alot of others, I too suffered the same childhood fate, as did all of my siblings. It is a difficult emotional situation that is hard to process, especially as a child. Their is fear, anger, hate, guilt, frustration and distrust that has to be worked through. The biggest question to be answered is how someone that you are suppose to love and trust, can violate you and rob you of your happiness. I found that I could not answer these questions on my own, and sought professional counseling to help me work through this emotional baggage. Unfortunetly, I waited about 35 years too long before receiving counseling, but I am still grateful that I did ask for help, so please, do yourself a favor and "do" seek counseling from a professional who deals with these type of situations. I would suggest also, that as painful as it may be, I would make a written record of what happened and if you don't want to share it with family members at this point, put it in a safe place for now. I would assume, as with most abusers, that if this person did something to you, he also has other victims out there as well who may be going through an emotional roller coaster as well. It is time to take back your life and not allow this person to hold power over your emotions anymore. God bless you and please seek counseling. You deserve to start healing and to live a happy life.

Answer 3

This is such a sad thing to hear. I'm so sorry to hear you suffered abuse, and I'm sorry that you never had the means or opportunity to overcome it. (I thought you were doing better, because you've seemed less stand-offish.)

If it will make you feel better, go to the cemetery by yourself and jump up and down on the grave in stilettos. Just don't do anything that will get yourself in trouble.

My first husband was an irresponsible cad, with a winning personality. I resented the fact that I was the only one who seemed to see through him. We eventually divorced and we eventually married other people. He died almost 10 years ago, and I visited him at the hospital and attended the funeral -- not from hate, but because it was now a closed chapter, and I wanted to show respect for my (and his) children and for his family.

Time heals most things, and I hope you find healing.

EDIT: Silkie, my ex-husband was 08/08/38 !!!

Answer 4

I think you are very brave speaking out, when abuse is hidden it can go on and on. Maybe you will help others who have gone through this know they are not alone. It's a shame he didn't admit what he did to you, but don't let him have one more minute of control in your life by continuing to hold on to the pain. I hope you will talk to a professional, so you can start healing. Get it all out, try to let the hatred go, and be free and happy the rest of your days, never forget that is what you deserve!

Answer 5

Oh, my. . . . I feel like the only one who is going to say this, but believe me, I've been there, so here goes. . . . this abuse has obviously haunted you for a long long time, as mine did. My abuser called my home about seven years ago and it was the shock of my life. He got my phone number from my unsuspecting dad, who was his best friend. I never told anyone about the abuse. During the course of the conversation I told my abuser the effects of his actions on my life as a child and as an adult. I also told him that I had forgiven him a long time ago. He cried and cried and apologized over and over again. A year ago his son emailed my brother to say that "Joe" died.

I learned early on that forgiveness is freedom. The one forgiven may not even know about the forgiveness, but the heavy weight of resentment and anger leave the one who is forgiving. May you find peace.

Answer 6

Yes Sherryn I have been there and it is one reason I haven't learned to forgive. I know the only one we hurt by this is ourselves but at least when they have gone there is the relief that they can't abuse anyone ever again. They may come back as an ant for us to step on. The thing that hurts more is when you try to tell someone and they don't believe you. My own brother told me "you are just trying to cause trouble" . I haven't seen him since my mother died in 1980.
I've put it behind me now but there are so many still suffering even now . Who will save them?

Answer 7

OK I am going to say something that is going to get a lot of thumbs down now although before I do, I would like to acknowledge that I too was molested as a child and my abuser is now dead, so I have been through it, but...

If you were ever going to speak out, the time to do it was when he was alive... everyone has a right to face their accuser and you might have prevented someone else from being abused, but now what is the point...? The man is dead. Cannot hurt anyone else. Coming out with it now will not accomplish anything, but cause more pain. And you will not feel one bit better.

So what do you do? Get on with your life and have a good one.

Answer 8

Sherryn... he's coming back again??? I don't understand this at all... the memory of him will always be with you... that is something that won't die, ever. This is something you need to workout within yourself, by that I mean you need to heal yourself from the inside. I'm not saying that you have to forgive, as some things are unforgivable, but you do need to learn to live without rage in your heart. Someone sick did something very bad to you, it's awful, I'm sure many of us feel your pain and can empathize with you. I'm very sorry that you or anyone else has had to deal with this kind of thing at all, it's just tragic. Be at peace with yourself, do your best to control your anger... Holding anger is a very bad thing and will do nothing but hurt you in the long run. It will taint you in many ways if you don't learn how to let it go!

Best of Luck, know you are not alone in this...

Answer 9

Sherryn - do not post all of your pain on this site! Seek out a professional so that you can erase this monster from your mind in an unbiased and friendly atmosphere! I am truly so very sorry that this happened to you and will pray that you find the right kind of help for your situation. Keep the Faith.
Hugs CJ

Answer 10

I really can't add anything to what the others have said, but I understand. My abuser was my husband, & he's the only one I've ever wished a slow, painful death on. The things he did to me will be with me the rest of my life, and I can't imagine how much worse it had to be for you. Have a party, or at least a drink on me.