a serious question on abuse?

Question

I was sexually and mentally abused by a close family member when I was little. It went of for years. I now have a little 6 month old girl and can't help but be extremely protective of her. The thought of her going through anthing like I did terrifies me. My partner says I have to trust somebody and give her some space when she is older, but I know first hand that abuse is rife and it is usually the people you least expect doing it. Once it happens its too late, the damage is done. How can I stop myself being too over protective whilst ensuring she is safe

hatem - that is not constructive, go away u silly child

Answer 1

I have been through the same thing that you have and I now have a 3 month old daughter. No one will actually ever understand you unless they have gone through it to. Never let your gaurd down no matter what any one else say's because how would it make you feel if the same thing that happened to you happens to your daughter. In my case though I am lucky to have an Aunt who is a babysitter and is willing to watch my daughter for me and that is the only person that will be aloud to watch her. I recommend that you find someone that you really trust to watch her for you.

Answer 2

Have you actually had any 'closure' on this time in your life. I know that it's a cliche, but it really does help. I would consider talking to your doctor about councellling of some sort, as it is very natural for you to be over protective of your daughter after what you have been through. Maybe being a little more open with your daughter about abuse. e.g. as she gets older you can tell her it ok not to keep some secrets, that no-one should touch her if she doesn't want to be touched, and that some adults do and say things that are wrong, these things talked about in a relaxed and calm manner should help to reassure you that your daughter is as equiped as she could be to do the 'right' thing and stop any abuse as soon as it should start. But I have to say that I think you are wrong that abuse is rife. Some children and adults are abused in severe and horrific ways, others have more minor levels of abuse, but I think your life experience means you feel this way about it ( but I understand that you could say the same about my own life experience), so I think that this is an area in which counselling could potentially help a great deal, so please speak to yyour doctor as soon as possible

Answer 3

I am so sorry you had to go through that. My boyfriend, the father of my son, was also sexually abused as a child and he felt the same way. As a couple we made the decision that he enter into therapy and it has made a huge difference. He now takes anti-depressants and he really feels more liberated as a person and a parent. Get a list of therapists from your insurance company and meet with a few before you make a decision. Good luck with everything, having kids is such a fun, rewarding experience.

Answer 4

There is a difference in being overly protective and just cautious. It is reasonable to carefully check references of day-care providers and make unannounced visits to determine what care your child is receiving, or to use a "nanny cam" to check on the activities of a home care provider, but don't let it become obsessive to the point that you are afraid to take your eyes off the child. Your partner is right you have to allow some independence as the child ages, you can still be careful. What you must watch for is when teaching your child what to be wary of when she encounters improper behavior from adults. You want her to understand what is acceptable but not be afraid of everyone she meets. Kids can fantasize also, and may create or embellish harmless adult behavior if they think you expect adults to behave badly. Why don't you talk to a counselor who works with children and find out how to best protect your child?

Answer 5

hiya i did not know what to say when i saw this question but i thought i would answer. i know excastly what you are going through. i did the same to my little girll who is 6 next year. well now she has been abused physically by my ex partner who i thought was good to her, he was hitting her, i still have not forgiven myself for it. Anyway the only answer i can really give is like your partner has told you, you need to let your little girl grow up with out you being there for her all her life, stop molly coddaling her. i know this will hurt to hear but you will do more damage then good i did, my little girl gets scared now when i am not about for her and struggles making friends her own age now. see your gp they will help you with suggestions on what is really best to do. i know how hard abuse is to deal with i was too sexually abused by a very close relative when i was little, i was also physiccally abused by my dad. look i wish you all the best but we cant protect our children 24/7, just let her groww up in the best way positive i really hope this can help you some way. good luck my dear.

Answer 6

I not sure you can be over protective these days.

I see far too much neglect of children to criticise someone who is looking out for their kids.

As far as leaving her with anyone. People YOU trust to be safe should be ok. Look into other people/ organisations before you choose to trust them and again you should be ok.

Gut instinct is an underrated tool. If you arent happy with the look / feel of a nursery / playgroup / club then dont use them. Any reputable club / nursery wont mind you staying for a wee bit when you first enrol junior to see what goes on.

Good luck.

Answer 7

You are projecting your issues and anxieties onto your child which isn't fair. Any abuse is apalling and has devastating effects on victims, however you can come to terms with what happened and get some perspective, through counselling if necessary. Your partner is right she will need her freedom, the best thing you could do for her is to teach her to keep herself safe and to be assertive.

Answer 8

I know this sounds trite...but you need to take some counselling and also any other advice you can get from people who understand your 'trust' and 'loyalty' issues.

It is one of the most horrible things about abuse that the partners and children who come after can be the ones who pay the highest price...and they may never know why.

I wish you every good fortune, but you must work to explain to your partner what has happened and what the consequences are. He is under no obligation to understand just because he loves you...you must help him understand. I know you are the one who needs help but, you must help those who can help you! Daft sounding isn't it!

My life and the lives of my two darling daughters have been destroyed because their mother was abused by her uncle when she was 9 years old. He abused us every bit as much as he abused her. You must face this as soon as possible, otherwise it can destroy your family.

Answer 9

Talking with your children is always the best way. Not just "sitting down" and talking with your child but while playing catch and talking with them or playing a board game. Open and honest communication is always key. Let your children know at a young age what is appropriate touching and what is not. Let them know that no matter what happens, you will never blame them for what happened for it was not their fault.
Just talking with your kids while making dinner or even eating dinner can open the flood gates of communication.

Answer 10

im sure there must be books on the subject of 'letting go' as a parent, maybe read those.

try to ask yourself this every time you do something for your daughter - am i acting in her best long-term interests?

the most important job as a parent is to prepare your child for life as an adult vis a vis standing on their own 2 feet and being independent.

a child that has been molly-coddled all through their childhood will have problems later in adult life.

hope this helps =)