How can parents be so cruel?

Question

i don't know how parents can do it to be honest

im not even a parent, (let alone a woman/mother) and my heart sinks to watch someone cry or hear them cry, let alone a baby. i just wanna go over and give em a hug.

Letting a baby cry is cruel, all they want is a hug or some milk, whats so wrong with that.

how can people become so in-sensitised to allow a little baby to cry like this?

in times when people can be so angry, and so spiteful, how can they risk allowing a contribution to such a world, by not showing their child the love they need?

maybe i just have stronger paternal instincts then others,
i kept getting told im good with kids and would make a good dad, unfortunately, not by any single girls, lol.

Anne, why would i need to be a mother?

Child raising is a thing that PARENTS do.

its my business to be hearing my child cry as much as its my partner, and if im not happy with the baby crying then its obviously not right.

pat m

it is never right for a child to cry, crying is a sign of something, such as being scared, being hungry, being uncomfortable, or in pain.

how would you feel to be ignored, waiting at a hospital with a stab wound? its basically the same thing if you think about it in a broad way.

Joey, what brought this on, is the current state of the world, and how people behave,

i've made a comparison between several families and found that children who are attended to when crying, grow up to be more stable teens and adults being confident in themselves and what they do, where as children who are ignored tend to have dependance issues, as well as having a harder time in general due to lack of confidence or on the flip side, become abusive, abrasive, and if male, more likely to treat women badly in general.

louie, being a parent will not change how i feel on the subject.

i have nieces and nephews who i've had to look after at times and whenever they cried or needed something it was top priority, i doubt becoming a father would change how i feel at all.

you don't just turn it off, and its rather heartless to say you can.

Lena

the point is, you ARE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM ATTENTION, that's part of the role as being parent, you can't just choose to take up some parts of the role and not others.

you want to know what happened to a girl i know who got no attention at all from her parents, as a baby and growing up.

she now sleeps around, does drugs and has been pregnant twice with different guys.

Attention is a necessity for the emotional development of a child. All the child rearing books say so, so why do Baby books, and so called experts say otherwise when its to do with babies?

ViolationNation

wheres the harm in sitting in a chair relaxing while holding the child? you fail to provide a reason against that.

louie

thats one of the tasks to assume becoming a parent.

A person who knows the support is available for them when they need it is a more confident person, basically your teaching them that if they need your help, you won't be there. hence the reason for so many people lacking confidence these days. and this education starts from birth. Crying is the only way a baby can communicate and at times one of these reasons is just to know your there.

Do your own thinking!

Lol, i knew 100% that you would get where I'm coming from, stable, emotionally developed child is one who has the support readily available from them, from birth, up until they are ready to enter the big bad world.

im personally used to running on -10000 charge and dead tired, so i doubt waking up to hug a crying baby will worry me that much, infact i could just snooze with the baby in my arms in a rocking chair, (1 thing my mother taught me about babies that i like to pass around with parents)

Ny_Attitude

Your story touches me, i hope your son continues to thrive in his physical and mental development and i hope he overcomes the stigma'd limitations that many overrated experts believe.

it is choices we make from the start that affect the full potential development of our children, and i would be assured that your Son's transition to his bed would be the result of his own confidence in himself, and that you are there should he need you, and when ever he needs you.

i have confidence in myself, knowing that if i fall down, i have someone there to pick me up, and that if i ever get injured (which i have talked about my own mauling before) i have atleast one parent who can get me to hospital, without falling to pieces.

another belief of mine, is that boys who aren't left to cry, grow into men that are supportive, and caring, rather then those rack up another notch on the bed stand types.

butterfly02012001

i understand already,
some parents just aren't willing to take on the full responsibilities of their role.

Thanks for raising a ill adjusted, self-confident, child who will end up being a burden on society.

Lol, i just showed this to a friend, and he nearly cried.

he said that he never let his son cry and agrees that it is cold and cruel for anyone to do so.

I'm glad to find that I'm not the only male of the race with compassion.

@K

lol, your words make me laugh, especially since its obvious you didn't even read the post.

im a guy, for starters, you fool.
secondly, you have absolutely no idea how to raise a child do you? a baby has no concept of jealousy, or spoiling, and is hardly in the position to manipulate anyone into anything. let alone your ignorant view that crying never killed a child. there are as many as 100, cases reported a year where a child has had to be resuscitated following an extended period of crying.

and to be honest, which is more tiring, listening to a baby cry and cry and cry, or picking it up, going and finding a chair and sitting down with it for a few.

get a clue, you are not fit to be a parent.

for the ignorant
read these and learn instead of remaining ignorant, and therefore wrong.

http://drbenkim.com/articles-attachment-parenting.html
http://community.channel4.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/8280090101/m/7500023429/p/2
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Plains/7503/NOCRYOUT.HTML
http://books.google.com/books?id=crW6348Iw_wC&pg=PA260&lpg=PA260&dq=the+dangers+of+the+cry+it+out+method&source=web&ots=H-5s9LOY1t&sig=4m_Zqio3vc2e1hq73FMkBY3Xamo

@ louie

a smack on a toddlers diaper padded rump isn't likely to even make them cry, its more the shock value that teaches them then the pain, though other parents actually do hug the child when its all said and done and that is just as effective.

the problem is, you people are all looking to a method that has been linked to CAUSING SIDS, cases the child to hyper ventilate, causes the child to vomit, causes the childs heart rate to sky rocket to the point of arrest., a babies heart beats at a faster rate then a childs or adults and the added rate isn't at all good for them.

@I'm a goofy goober yeah!!

your make me laugh.
A BABY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF SPOILT, THEREFORE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR IT TO BE SPOILT.

A baby cries because it needs comfort, as EXPERTS have pointed out, such as William Sears.

to be honest,
none of you have given decent, and fact backed answers to this, as to how you can condone doing this, it is based on your own ignorant and uneducated false opinions such as
*it creates a spoilt child
*the baby learns to sleep by itself
*the child learns to comfort itself

I'll give you all a chance to edit your posts, and come up with some facts, otherwise I'm giving this one to either DYOT or NY_A as they have actual proof that it has benefited their child, where as you have all only proved that it benefited your own selfish life styles.

Being a parent is not about what is easiest for you, it is what's bests for your child, and all the facts so far indicate that the cry it out method is not only wrong but has health implications.

@wesjen,
i see that as an exception, especially if a parent can't be in the back with the child during the trip, cars are scary things for babies,
i have it on good word with friends of mine who have found that the first few times it helps for mum or dad to ride in the back with them. its not so scary then so they learn that its safe in the future :)

@I'm a goofy goober yeah!!

the word is Spoilt in any country outside of America, its not my fault you live in a country that can't spell, so decided to warp the oxford dictionary to its own whims.

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070208124921AAWYEyM

try learning abit about the outside world before making yourself look like a fool. k.

Answer 1

It IS sad. No, we do not practice it nor have we ever.
Here's our story- and it could get long.
Our son was born 11 years ago and had severe colic. He was switched from breastfeeding to formula at 8 weeks of age. We were told breastfed babies don't get colic. Guess what? The doc was wrong. They can and usually something else is going on. I was young, married and didn't know any better. I also didn't have the benefit of Yahoo Answers or a home PC for that matter. So, he went to formula and cried for 18 hours a day. I was told to place him in his crib and let him cry. I was told to put him in his swing and cry. I was told a lot. I listened only to our baby. I wore him, held him, comforted him and most of all- I danced with him since that movement seemed to calm him. I lost a ton of weight too! *giggle*

At bedtime, he had cried so much that I thought he needed to know he was loved- and chose to sleep with him. I caught Heck for it- but I persisted. He slept better than ever. His last bout with the colic ended at 2:30 am each morning, I would change him, feed him, and snuggle him down.

Fast forward: 2 years 3 months later- he was diagnosed with autism. What would have happened if I had left him to cry? The thought frightens me.

Babies who are left to cry grow insecure.
http://childrenneedlove.wordpress.com/category/cry-it-out-and-controlled-crying/
http://askdrsears.com/html/10/handout2.asp

Our son is thriving now- and his doctors and therapists credit it to our parenting style- Attachment. It works for us. We are now using it with our 15 month old who is still breastfeeding, who also has never spent the night alone, and who is just as happy as her brother.

When our baby was little, my mom had said during the dinner we were having, "The baby is fine, she can cry for a bit while you finish your meal..." Our son piped up: No grammy, we don't let babies cry. I got up to get her, popped her into her sling and nursed her as I finished my meal.

Our son was in his own bed by the time he was 2.5 years of age- and with autism. Not difficult at all to transition him. Change and our son is difficult- but this he did over a period of 6 months. With our children we have learned as they have taught us that it is easier to teach a 2 year old to sleep alone than it is to teach a baby to sleep at all. Our 15 month old does not even own a crib. We opted not to get one as our son's became a cat bed- and a rather expensive one at that.

I hear on here and in real time:
-Crying it out will allow them to learn to self soothe- wrong- they will shut down.
-Crying it out and going in is controlled crying- have you ever felt in control when you are crying??? I haven't.

Babies are only babies for the blink of an eye. Their way to communicate is to cry- they need something. So what if it is only a snuggle? Don't we all crave this?

I realize I am clearly preaching to the Choir here but I am very passionate about this topic.

Why worry about bedtimes, babies not sleeping, baby getting up too early or getting up at night? They do this...and it is up to us as parents to care for them. Parenting does not occur when it's daytime- parenting is a 24 hour job.

I also don't think this is just for mommies, daddies are just as important- at least my husband is.

I hope one day you will have a child of your own as it sounds like a child will be so lucky to have someone such as yourself parent them.

I love my children with every breath of my soul and allowing them to cry is not ok. EVER! I don't care what a doctor or anyone else says, it has been proven to be unhealthy.

Good question!

Answer 2

I agree with you for the most part - I had a very fussy newborn that cried most of the day and much of the night. We always held her and tried to make her feel better. After 5 or 6 months she was waking 6-8 times a night. By letting her fuss a little bit 2 to 5 minutes when she woke back up (not a long time) she would put her self back to sleep. If she cried really hard or something seemed off - not just a tired little girl waking up - we'd go in. I think we can allow her to fuss and cry just a little without de-sensitizing her. It is not completely black and white. Besides, parents that get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night (if it is possible) are less cranky and able to love their child more. I am a much nicer person now that I get a little more sleep. I never realized until i was a mom just how tough the lack of sleep is.

EDIT: I hope you read this last thought. Our baby SCREAMED every time we put her in her carseat. She hated it. We did not take her in the car very often because of this, but sometimes - visiting family or many doctor appointments - we had to put her in the car and were forced to let her cry. There was nothing we could do. I don't think we were wrong for letting her cry - we had to take to some places and we had to be safe. I think you are being unfair when you judge parents for letting their kids cry in any and all situations, it is just not that simple.

2nd EDIT: I'm not sure you've really been around fussy babies before. Our baby cried and cried and cried, regardless of whether we were holding or rocking her. She had a mind of her own. Now, we did try to soothe her all or most of the time, but it is not always fruitful. Since you are not a parent, I don't think you would understand that. Also, during the several months she screamed in the car, we would often ride in the back, trying to soothe her, it only made matters worse. There is not a clear solution to every time a baby cries.

Answer 3

When I was 13-15 I thought my parents were dumber than rocks! As I grew and knew more I got it a little more.Then I baby sat and thought I know whats best for these kids and they are brats. Then I had my own children,It is a hard job 24/7. Always wanting or needing something and up to me to keep them safe ,fed and clothed .Know who their with and where they are.Plus work cook clean help with homework. Then I knew all the rules I learned at home I used in my grown up life. I learned to make good choices/and when I didn't my parents were there for me.When I liked a cool guy and they didn't the reason became clear after a close call.There are some awful parents but if you are ask to help or do choirs know they are teaching you to be an adult some day. The more you learn under their care the more prepared you will be later.They love you Like no one else ever will.

Answer 4

I am not personally acquainted with anybody who does this.

But Yahoo! Answers is full of -- as one person put it -- "garbage moms," for whom child-rearing is a get-it-over-with deal. I am not sure why these women actually have babies; certainly they don't seem to like them.

You can confidently ignore all the "Oh, obviously you don't have a baby" stuff. I am typing with a baby napping on me right now, and I promise you that babies need not, should not, be left to cry.

However. To be a bit more kind about the whole thing: these women are listening to a century's worth of accumulated bad advice.

Cooking and keeping house became "domestic science" when men got hold of it. Babies became similarly engineer-able around the same time, best I can tell. And baby instruction manuals have been churned out ever since, and most of them are selling what sounds like an easy fix, viz: the lie that babies need to cry, or cry for "exercise," or just because, and that it can be ignored.

My daughter does sometimes cry for no discernible reason. But to say a baby is crying for NO reason is ridiculous. Being a baby is very, very hard indeed. It looks to me to be the equivalent of getting a new degree and a new Olympic medal every month. Of course it must be frustrating. Of course cuddles are required.


re. "CRYING has never killed a baby" -- oh, I would beg to differ. Read up on the mortality rates of old-time orphanages where babies were fed, changed, bathed, and that's it.

And as for that "sometimes, you just have to get something done" jazz? That's what slings and carriers are for! But instead, Babies R Us has told mothers that what they need is a bloody "Pack N Play"...

Answer 5

I try to use empathy in caring for my babies. The world must be a scary place when you're first born, can't feed yourself, don't understand the language, your tummy hurts, your teeth hurt, your muscles hurt, and there's nothing you can do about it but cry and hope someone helps you.

I hold my babies a lot. Sometimes that doesn't fix what's wrong, but at least they know that I care enough to try.

Answer 6

ever been a parent? the answer is no so there fore you do not know what being a parent is like. If the parent is just letting the child cry with out trying to find and fix the problem then yes that is cruel however if the parent has tried everything from changing to feeding to walking around the room making up silly songs to try and calm baby than that's when you lay them down and let them cry but not for more than 10 mins at most ( i always did 5 to be honest) and some times that fixes the problem. if not that's when you call backup (a.k.a. grandma) and hope she can suggest something. When you become a parent you will know what the parents of the world are dealing with until then stop criticizing something you do not fully understand.

Answer 7

I think parents think that if you let the child cry instead of meeting his needs the child will grow up to be a needy adult. It does not mean that such parents are cruel - it just means they do what their parents did to them or they do what someone told them...
This is not true at all. If you want your child to grow up to be a responsible adult that can meet their own needs, it is essential that you meet their needs while they are small. This means being availalbe to the child emotionally as well as physically.

Answer 8

louie you are dead bang!!!! I could not agree with you more.... Diceman, A crying child can be upsetting i understand where you are coming from But with everything you do in this life there is always a point when enough is enough. Anything done in excess can be harmful.I'm not trying to be mean but if you ever have children i feel sorry for whoever has to take care of them while you are at work or have to be away. Your child is going to be spoiled rotten, and that is NOT something you should be proud of.Children start to learn at a surprisingly early age that there are certain things that they can do to get what they want. Have you ever seen an overweight child or baby?? That is a prime example. More than likely that child has parents who pacify them with food, meaning that everytime that child or baby cries or is upset, they come running with a bottle or a snack to quiet them down.Another huge example which i know everyone here has seen is that screaming child in the grocery store.They scream cry and show out until what happens??? Mommy or Daddy hands over what it was they wanted.You can't be serious to say that a child like that is better fit to survive in today's society than a child who learns at a young age that the world does not stop when they are not getting attention??? C'mon now lets be honast with ourselves here!!! I have a co-worker who is an only child.She has parents who are similar to how you see yourself as a parent Diceman, and do you know what kind of person she is??? Everyone hates to see her coming, she looses her mind when nobody is paying her any attention, She is one of the most annoying and selfish people i have ever met, and i am willing to put everything i own on the fact that her parents came running everytime she cried or pouted.You mean to tell me that you want to raise a child to grow into that type of an adult???I feel sorry for your kids they are going to have a hard way to go in life!!! I'm about to be a mother for the 1st time in march. One of my biggest concerns is how will i know what my baby wants when she cries? My mother gave me some wise advice. She said you will know what to do when your baby cries, but there will come a time when your baby cries and you will find that she is neither hungry, sleepy, wet,or lonely and the best thing for you to do then is to let her cry. This is something that she practiced on me and my brother and neither one of us has ever commited a crime, or been abusive toward anyone or anything. We have both grown into law abiding citizens and in fact my brother is one of the most charitable people i know, he'll move a mountain if he could just to help someone. So you tell me who really contributes to such hateful world!!!!!

let me just say...in regards to DYOT and NY_A , i'm sure what worked for them is not and will not be the answer for every other mother. I have an Autistic cousin so i'm particularly sympathetic to NY_A i've seen that struggle 1st hand. And I'm not judging them i'm sure they have lovely children. But, they are just 2 people. If you want to go and base your "theory" of how to deal with a crying baby on just 2 people's experiences than you my friend are the ignorant one.Where is your real proof???? Letting a baby cry for a selfish reason is cruel but letting a baby cry after you have broken your back to soothe them is not cruel. Also no one here ever said that cuddling a baby for no reason was wrong. I can't wait till my baby gets here, i dream about cuddling her in my arms and kissing her face and talking to her. There is nothing wrong with that, but just like adults babies need their time too. Do you want to be cuddled all day long???? Would you like it if somebody was in your face 24/7??? Letting a baby cry may not be your choice but don't knock what you dont' know....and obviously you know nothing about kids!!!!! I think once you get out of your la la land of text book parenting you will understand where some of the other people are coming from. Oh yeah by the way you should pick up a dictionary because there is no such word as SPOILT the word is spelled SPOILED.

Answer 9

I'll be short on this one:

Some parents think they bring a little manipulative person into this world (not a baby) who needs to be treated like a soldier in order to be raised as a well-rounded person..

I feel sorry for those babies.

Answer 10

It depends on the situation. If someone is just ignoring their baby then yes I agree with you. But if, for instance, a mom is by herself and needs to get something done, and has tried everything, then sometimes you have to let the baby cry and get done whatever you need to get done...really fast. I have only had to do it a few times, but when my baby needed tylenol and I was by myself and he had a fever. I had to hurry up and get it, for his sake.

Try to not be so judgmental unless you know the exact circumstances....unless you would like to tell us what brought this on?