Does his wife know? Should he leave her for me?

Question

I have been seeing this married guy for 7 months now, he has introduced me to all his friends, we go out together, we see each other everyday and took a few weekend trips too. He spends as much time as he can with me, he says he loves me. His wife is driving him crazy (so he and his friends say), he married her because she got pregnant right after they started dating. He says he can't get a divorce cuz he doesn't have enough $$ to pay for child support. But he recently got a new great paying job.

With the amount of time we spend together, do you think his wife knows?? or she does not want to face this reality?
If he says he loves me and spends so much time with me, and now has a great paying job, should he finally leave her to be with me?

Answer 1

Do you care if his wife knows? Would it make a difference? Face what reality? That "she" got pregnant (obviously he had nothing to do with it) and tries hard to create a life for her child. Now she is frustrated and in a no win situation but probably lacks the funds, education and or self esteem to get herself into a better situation.
I am not going to bad mouth your man. He is entitled to be whomever he chooses in life...what is he choosing? To step away from responsibilities. He's a guys guy and when you're not the "new toy" in his life and going out with the guys looks fun again, I sure hope you haven't decided to have a family with him. Sounds like that might drive him crazy having to be home with kids and wife.
As far as not being able to afford child support...right! It is based on your income. I know people who don't go out, take weekend trips and pay for a girlfriend and they can still afford to take responsibility for their decisions.

Finally, "should he finally leave her to be with me?" That's just not any of your business. You signed up for this ride with a married man. You have no right to put any pressure or be part of any decision regarding their family life. Him leaving his family...family, is a completely different subject than him THEN choosing if he wants to commit to you.

I feel strongly because I have been in this situation. I'm sure based on my response you would assume that I was the married woman and my husband cheated. WRONG! I was not responsible and chose to enter into a relationship with a married man. They had a very unconnected marraige and my story went much like yours. Everyday, trips etc.
I feel so bad just writing this! We are actually still dating, they are divorced, she is remarried (5 months after the divorce) and miraculously we are all kind to each other.

My advice to you my dear, Keep your head above water...do not get too dependent on this man...be able to provide for yourself...show some empathy to his wife there are two or more sides to every story...Do not let his situation determine the outcome of your life.

Things will change when and if he gets divorced, really.

Best of luck...you, as most of us, will need it! You sound like a nice girl...be true to who you are!

Answer 2

This is an unfortunate situation, but clearly you have fallen for one of the most overused lies in a cheating married man's life. (The things I'm about to write are not meant to be offensive or hurtful, but are observations that I have made through life.)

Most of the time a woman who is with a man who is cheating on her knows what is going on, unless the man is going through great lengths to cover up his infidelity. What you describe: he's introduced you to his friends, you go out together, see each other everyday, weekend trips, he says he loves you (the worst part); are all common for a man who is cheating. Your situation is no different than a million other cheaters' in the world.

This situation is at a different level because of how public he is with his cheating. Yes, there may be problems between him and his wife, but guess what? You will always be the woman he cheated with while he was married - a mistress. His friends know you as such and, at this time, that is all you are. No amount of love in the world can change that. Men have a very narrow view of cheating, they can do it, but a woman can't; plus, the woman who cheats with a married man doesn't deserve respect.

You write that "he can't get a divorce cuz he doesn't have enough $$ to pay for child support," but understand that he can be married and still be forced to pay child support. If his wife gets fed up enough with what he is doing, she can go to family court and get an order for payment right now. Child support must be paid whether or not a person is married or currently with the mother of a child (unless the father of a child is dead, where the child would get social security).

You wonder whether his wife knows or if she doesn't want to face "this reality." I would bet she knows, but you're probably not the first nor the last. So, being married to him and living through his disappearances and infidelities, she knows what her reality is. You should be wondering about your own reality. Your own reality is pretty much your last question - "If he says he loves me... and now has a great paying job, should he finally leave her to be with me?"

If he was really that unhappy with his wife and wanted to be with you, he would have left her already. They would be legally separated with a divorce pending while he was creating a new life with you. However, with your description of events, you're still his mistress waiting to become more.

I wish you the best of luck with this situation, it's a hard one. There are not easy answers for you because you seem to have fallen in love with someone who should have been off-limits to you from the start.

Answer 3

Do you want to be responsible for a break up of a marriage? Listen this guy wants his cake (you) and he wants to eat it too.(her). Don't listen to the BS about he doesn't have the money to divorce. If I were you, end the relationship now and tell him when he decides what he wants to do regarding his marriage, then and only then will you see him again. If his wife knows, she may be in total denial, but don't fall into that trap that all mistresses fall into...of thinking that your lover will leave his wife, becaue he isn't going anywhere because he has children.. Dump him fast till he makes a decision, and tell him you don't want to be a part of the breakup of his marriage. If you don't he will keep you hanging on for years and years till your biological clock will run out and you will be too old to have kids and a family life.

Answer 4

He Doesn't WANT to divorce his wife and pay child support because he doesn't want his wife to get half of everything they have built up over the years as well as her getting the house. He says he loves you because that is what YOU want to hear and it keeps you from leaving him so he can continue to use you as his whore. I would say that she more than likely knows about you but she isn't going to give HIM a divorce because she is sitting back laughing at you...you who obviously have no self respect that you would turn yourself into a whore and accept sloppy seconds of a disrespectful man (using you as a whore is NOT respecting you). Whether you think he should leave his wife or not is not something for YOU to decide. He already has by using you from the beginning rather than getting a divorce BEFORE he became involved with you. IF he cared anything for you he wouldn't use you. IF you cared anything for yoursel f you wouldn't ALLOW yourself to be used.

Answer 5

you do know that the married guy usualy stays with the wife, no matter how bad the situation right? And if you pressure him the excuses will start to fly, like "I cant afford it" realy if he cannot afford to pay child support how is he affording to have a child in marriage? It still costs money, and is he going to care for this child? would you want a man who does not care about his child? If you got pregnamt whats the chance he would dump you, sounds highly likely to me. You are in a bad place.
without even going into the whole cheating mess, you should find out who he is going to choose and tell him you want a decision, not him sitting on the fence getting double booty, because no matter what lies (and he is a lier, because he is a cheater, cant have one without the other) he is telling you you can bet his sex life is pretty good for him right now.

Answer 6

u need to back off and let him take care of things with his wife first. i really am appalled that u would b dating a married man in the first place. but if he says he's going to leave her for u, then let them get the divorce final and everything straightened out, the go after him when he is single.

u r a very selfish, ignorant, no good person for dating him in the first place and he is a no good, selfish, ignorant piece of sh*t for cheating on his wife. u two deserve each other, because neither one of u care about someone else's feelings and u never will. that is the lowest anyone could go, i mean come on, think of what ur doing.

i really hope she does find out about u two and kicks both ur a*ses, u both deserve it. tell him to get a divorce that way u two pigs can have each other and his wife can go find someone that deserves her love and time. she deserves that much, to know about her husband so that she can go on and have a better, happier life with someone that will not take her for granted and so she can find someone that will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. i really feel bad for her (his wife), but i do not feel bad for both of ur sorry a*ses. once a cheater, always a cheater. once a hoe, always a hoe.

Answer 7

His wife is driving him crazy? Imagine that; he is away from home much of the time and on weekend trips with you. Of course his wife knows or suspects his affair with you and questions him, asks him to spend time with her, etc. which is his definition of 'driving him crazy'.

Some catch there. Abandons wife and child to go out and get his jollies with you and then blames her when she objects.

Hope this man does get out of her life; she deserves much better than the way he is treating her and his family. Loves you; no, this man loves himself and is totally irresponsible. No one held a gun to his head when he had sex with her or when he married her. He is running from all his responsibilities and blaming them on others.

Don't think this type of man is one worth spending any time with. But you won't listen as you obviously care more about yourself than hurting others. Just another brick in the wall.

Answer 8

First, I would suggest that if the wife doesn’t know, then it is because she doesn’t WANT to know.
Second, if he is using that old excuse about child support, then he is an ***, child support doesn’t come close to supporting a child.
Third, leave him until he is in his own place and has started divorce proceedings.

To humanbef

Please give a source for your 90% statistic on the longevity of relationships that stem from adultery don’t work out.

Answer 9

sweetie let me tell you something...women aren't stupid I'm pretty sure is thinks something is up if he spending that much time with you....and if you guys are seen together i bet someone has said something to her about it now...

and if he doesn't have enough to pay for child support now ,if he gets a divorce then what makes you think if he leaves her later that he will have any money to pay it....honestly it sound like to me he wants to stay married because he is comfortably where he is now but he still wants to mess around with you....

and another thing...he is showing you just how trustworthy he is ....why do you think that if he leaves his wife for you that he will treat you any different after you two get together.....he is a cheater and once a cheater always a cheater...and i bet sooner or later he will cheat on you too.

you need to get out of this situation.....because you guys like that will only end up hurting you.

Answer 10

Honey I hope you're prepared. People are going to fillet you over this question....I'm not one of them.
It's good that you think you've found happiness but you must ask yourself at what cost? This man is not a free man. Look at the obvious before you even consider attempting to make a life with this guy, please.
This guy is not free to pursue a relationship with you. He is cheating on his wife ANY way you look at it, which shows that he does not take commitment seriously. It makes no difference WHY he married her. The fact is that he DID marry her and therefore that marriage IS his responsibility until it's dissolved.
He is lying to someone. Whether that be his wife or you we don't know. He could be promising her the same things he's promising you...you just have no way of knowing.
What does it say about him if he stays...not because of the commitment to his wife...not because of his love and devotion for his child....but rather because he doesn't want to have to pay??
Consider also that all of this time he spends with you he SHOULD be spending with his child..yet he isn't?!
Try to put yourself in his wife's place. How do you think you would feel if YOU were his wife and this was going on?
Rule of thumb is, if he cheats on her WITH you then when he tires of you he will cheat ON you as well.
Please reconsider before you get your heart broken. He is not free to give himself to you until he has freed himself from this marriage. And consider that this woman is the mother of his child. She is going to be a part of his life in one form or another for life and she will never forgive you for helping to wreck her marriage regardless of whether or not you are responsible.
You are the "other" woman and most of the time there is a reason for that. You only know what he's telling you. You don't know if he's 'with' you and then going home 'to' her or not.
Not many women "refuse to face reality" when they suspect that their husband is cheating on them. My guess is that if she knew, you would know it.
Tell him that you are tired of playing second, you want everyone involved to know where they stand, and tell him that you intend to confront her yourself. If he hits the ceiling and makes excuses then send him home to his wife. If he wants to be with you then he should be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen...apparently your happiness hasn't been that important. If he respected you then you wouldn't be the "other" woman.
All of this WILL come to a head...but I seriously doubt it's going to end quite the way you're being told that it will. Chances are it will blow up square in your face, he will go home to his wife and you will be sitting there alone, nursing a broken heart.